Soul searching

I am on a mission to recover my soul. It has been very very painful for me of late. My journey started well enough. I was all about reflecting with the Biblical writer, " what are you doing here"? I came to the conclusion after preaching a sermon with that title a little over six years ago. I was emboldened to leave my kids and grandkids who I loved a great deal, so that I could take care of my wife who was having health problems. Her family was in Erie and it seemed the right thing to do. I was even willing to invest about 10,000 dollars that came from my mom's estate. There was a job waiting for me, so I thought, what did I have to lose.

As many of you know a lot can happen in six years. My wife's health condition got worse, at on point she had seizures and is currently grieving the possibility of never driving again. She sleeps quite a bit and depends on me for medicine and respectful help. All of this was more or less expected and yet when the COVID hit some years ago it felt like everything I came to Erie for got lost. My brother died during that time and being faced with the risk of getting COVID, I determined to continue working with the special needs population, after all Kurt was special needs and it was a way to keep him close to my heart. And then I got COVID, asymptomatic and yet I really did not understand what was happening and my wife became a part of that equation and somehow I got lost. I was lost in despair, felt anything but spiritual and after healing drowned myself in work as if that could dull the pain. Church did not help, at least not much. I gave my tithes and watched myself become more and more depressed.

Well as time went on I made mistakes. After all I was alone in Erie feeling stripped down and empty. I played my favorite games words with friends and was blackmailed by a couple women who baited me into presenting a nude picture and then asked for thousands and thousands of dollars an obvious bottomless pit of delight to them. Otherwise they would ruin my life. They were all about killing me and taking away my ministerial credentials, obviously now I proved myself morally bankrupt. They also threatened to destroy my marriage and do what they could to affect public perception, even taking away my ability to work. In a sense losing my way was complete. I was a mess and now who wanted to be there for me? Who really even gave a damn?

I talked to the police and a counselor, a pastor even my boss at work. I worked with intellectually disabled adults and I felt like a real idiot. They all advised not giving in after all there was nothing to stop them from getting more and more money that I did not even really have. It was humiliating. I wonder if anyone out there understands the depths of despair I have known.

So here I am people. Maybe God at least hears. At one time it was all about discovering the writer within me that had a soul. I remember even now people that believed in me and encouraged me. There persons like Michael Mountain and William Writer. The more I wrote the better I felt about myself. And I loved doing reviews and risked involvement in contests. Here I am looking for that soul that has got lost in a strange land. Maybe I can recover a sense that there are friends out there and family and maybe just maybe I will decide God really does love me and has more work for me to do. Yeah I am so damned tired. God take me by the hand out of this mess. Show me a new beginning. I am feeling I am finally in a place where I want to learn.