8/7/22

One day you will know relationships that give back just as much as they have taken from you; your heart's equilibrium will be restored yet again. One day you will know a love without conditions, you will be seen as a whole, not just some beaten-down, overly scrutinized body. One day you will not have to worry about being funny enough, about being pretty enough, about being smart enough, about being liked enough, about being good enough. One day, you will be enough--more than "enough."
Gone are the days of trading snack foods at lunch, this is growing up. Now, you are expected to trade your body for love--no one will ever love you without getting to ruin you first--this is growing up.
Life is conditional, love feels fictional and elusive. Gone are the days of dancing in empty streets to no music other than the beating of two overworked hearts to guide you.
You long to be missed, to be needed, to be wanted. You long for attention and affection (aren't they synonymous?), yet you cowar into the shadows. You long to be loved, yet you keep everything at arms length.
You are petrified of being hurt again, of being let down again. You have been torn apart by so many false romances that you fear the real thing might kill you.
Endless vicious cycles. Like day turns into night and Monday becomes Tuesday becomes Wednesday, repeating like clockwork; you watch every relationship you build from the ground up return to the ashes.
Why must everything you touch fall apart?
Your life is a series of disappointments. You'd think you would be used to it by now, but every scar reopens with every fresh wound. And now here you are bleeding out.
Alone.