I Do Know

I Do Know
By Christine Sykes

What it feels like
To seek help
But the help is out of reach.

I know what it feels like
To be told 'it gets better'
And
'You are not alone'
And to express my pain
Just for people to ghost me.

When it has gotten better
Just for it to side blind me
And feel worse again

I know the shame of
Feeling like I should be past this
But here the storms come rolling in
To think those storms are
Derived from weakness.
Unable to accept the nature of my disorder.

I know what it feels like to wait

In

Excruciating

Slow motion

As my actions cannot come through
Until there's a bed, an expert
A spot for me to safely handle my thieves.

I know what it's like to depend on a substance in order to function.

I know what it's like to want to find peace and acceptance,
Only to then the next minute feel that an abrupt end is my solution.

I am SO proud of these times I fought those resolves
That I waited that long haul
And surrendered my soul to the hands of professionals and God.

What scares me the most
How many more times could I do this with the same result?

All it takes is to loosen my guard.
Skip my medication,
Stop talking.
Stop balancing rest, fun and work.
An event of stress could sidewind me.
Or really nothing at all could change except chemicals go back to turmoil in my being and my brain.

What then?

That is why I say I'm in recovery and through my life I will always be.
I keep in check even when things seem okay.
I remain accountable for things I can help.
I create emergency back up plans for things I can't.