It's Been a While

It's been a while since I've been intimate and my friend has offered up a girl he knows, that he wouldn't. I wasn't sure what to do, but after almost five years, I came to the conclusion that I would work it out once I got back on the bike.

Because I was feeling nervous, I asked my friend if he would tag along, so the introduction will make it less likely to be over before it begins.

And then, after the intro is done, he might as well hang around, after all, I will need a lift home afterwards...and I won't be long.

And when he sees me making rookie mistakes...things like putting her pleasure above my own, involving foreplay and making light banter by asking her about her likes and dislikes, then having my friend there will be like having my trainer in my corner shouting instructions to me.

I'm starting to panic because she may want me to choke her just before orgasm. For starters, choking might look like fun on porn, but ACTUALLY choking a girl during sex might land you in prison because saying yes, but no later is rape with violence. But by bringing a friend who films her giving her consent and signs three statutory declarations and phones her parents to voice her want to them...and I still wouldn't because I am not violent towards women and if that's my downfall then so be it. The other thing to consider is when I come, I instantly fall asleep, and in that downtime, my friend can keep an eye on her just in case she decides that now, it's her turn.

I have researched some interesting conversation subjects before we have casual sex, just to lighten the mood and show her that I am not just there for the sex...even though I am. I think you can't go wrong with a subject such as herpes.

Does she have it?

And more importantly, is she willing to share?

And obviously, if she answers yes to the first question, then she is.

Normal banter to me...but, perhaps to her, a bit too classy.

If she asks me a tricky question, like why it has been so long since I got my end in, I could start to cry and tell her about the bitch who left me and broke my heart five years ago, and pin my hopes on getting a pity fuck. I mean, five years is a long time. I did consider paying for it...that is if I wasn't such a tight ass with money or worried about how many guys she has been with before me. And if she'll compare me to the other two thousand blokes...I hate it when I first root a girl, and according to her, I'm the best she's ever had and then when it's over, I'm a dud root to all her friends.

I'm a modern kinda guy. I don't want to be known as a great root alone...cause I know when I'm alone I am the best ever. I used to have sexual prowess with other people...but that was before my ex...the love of my life...dumped me for her personal trainer.

I sometimes wonder if he does the dishes or hangs out the washing like I used to...or if he just fuck her brains out and leaves her in a puddle of her own juices before heading to the gym...not to train, of course, but to find other married sluts and ruin their partnerships as well. If he ever crosses paths with me I'll walk off slowly with my head down, being careful not to look into his eyes because dogs don't like it when you stare at them.

I know that if I really wanted to, I would be beating the ladies off...like I do myself. If I were to register at places like Tender or Plenty of Sluts Smell Like Fish I know they would be lined up...at the exit.

My anxiety is at warp factor 10, Captain. It was so long ago when I was about to root a complete stranger, but once I got to know her, she turned out to be even stranger than I thought. I've even become a stranger to myself, which means every time I flog off, it's like I'm with someone completely new.

At least if my friend is there, and I mess up completely...on the floor, the ceiling, her good curtains, in her hair and on the cat, he can point me in the right direction...the back door?

And to you sick perverted closet gays... no, I'm not going to fuck her ass, but if she's kinky and wants to tie me up then I'm all for that. You never know, she may have a friend who likes cosplay and is hiding in her cupboard...until he gets the call. And then it won't be long until I am trussed up like a pig and screaming, "Come out, come out wherever you are."

No, I don't take it in the ass...well, I almost don't take it in the ass. And my friend had better not become mixed up between THE backdoor and the back door of shame...which is the door my friend and I will be leaving through three minutes after the arrival of my penis into her vagina or, as we in the virgin again ministry call them...peepee and woowoo.

And something else that isn't just a virgin again problem. This is every man's problem and responsibility. How can we make a woman feel guilty for wanting us to use a condom?

There are so many pitfalls to do with casual stranger sex...like what if I fart and shit my pants? Or scream when I am about to come that I am falling in love with her...and the dangers of doing such a thing before I know her last name and her children to father ratio.

There ARE certain things a man needs to know about a woman before he starts stalking her. Like how much she earns from Centrelink, so he doesn't overdraw her account with the cards he copies whilst she is in the shower? And, will her Centrelink payments be affected when he starts coming over unannounced...letting himself in with the key he cut whilst he was down at the IGA buying nappies for her youngest...Knome Anaway. I swear that show is based on us. Everyone thought he had gone to live with his father, but he must have accidentally locked himself in the dungeon. Very considerate of him because of all the crying they do when they aren't fed regularly. She isn't that fussy, obviously...and sleeping on the couch is good for her back...when I creep in and crawl into bed beside her, she will be on the couch in no time and can thank me for having no back pain.

And later, after me and the girl are done by the next day, I must remember to thank my friend for being there with me, by telling him how I truly feel.

I will say, "My friend, I knew being mates with you would pay off someday...and after ten years of mostly one-sided friendship, it finally has."