but why cant we

I kept staring at this white envelope that place in the side of my table, more thoughts about what inside on it. I've been hiding my sadness for so long but when this envelope showed up all the strength that i'm holding is now gone.

''Hey babe.. why you look so sad is there something wrong?''

Magus came at my office looking worried at me

''They send me this'' pointing at the envelope that im holding now, i still not open it ,yet my hand is sweating

''what is it?''

He didnt let me speak, he grab it in my hand and he's the one who opened it

''its an invitation about them,invitation about 1st anniversary''

''dont come George''

''But i want to know him now''

''you kidding me right? ''

''Is it bad if i want to know him?'' i asked, i look at him in the eyes trying to look for answer but all i can see is the sadness and anger
he walk beside me and place my cheeks on his palms,looking at my eyes or lets say telling me that i need to stop my delusion

''i understand that its hard for you to move on but its more than 5 years now and yet you still on your boat,...please honey just one time think about yourself''

i cant speak,,, nor move my body once again i cry, crying for my soul. How could i just let my heart break in so many pieces, Why did i stayed for the relationship that never seen my worth neither my sacrifices? And why i still longing for her, her scent her smiles everytime she see me and specially the love that she promised me.

''Magus i cant, i cant just let it go its tearing me into pieces'' it always tearing me into pieces everytime i remember that past, it breaking me thinking that shes happy now with someone else why im still here waiting, questioning myself

''but what now babe? there is no differences in the past years and now. Im here George im here all alone just for you''
After what happened to me Magus Showed up and never left me ever since. He always there for me when i needed someone he became my angel all this 5 years and until now, I also tried to love him but i cant just teach my heart to beat to someone that i never see as my future. Not because of her but because of myself. I cant love him since i forgot to love myself. He tried so many times and he still trying until now

''M-magus...'' i stutter, i cant imagine how i hurt this man for so many times, all he did is to love and make me feel safe but all i did is to disappoint him.

'' i know you cant love me but try it again, try it again and again if it did not work try it with someone else, i cant just look at you every fricking day with those eyes honey, its hurting me' Why i cant do it? and if i given a chance to love again i will choose Magus, im hurting him yet he stay

''Lets not talk about it Jo, smile''

He wiped my tears that keep falling in my eyes, i gave him fade smile but i know it still not enough. He kissed my forehead and look me in the eyes

''want food?''

''yes''


Days passed when i received the invitation and im still thinking whether im going or not.it just so hard thinking that your love once is now celebrating their anniversary while you are here wondering why she left you

im just here sitting in my backyard waiting for magus to pick me up,he made a reservation for tonight at liwouzun restaurant thats his favorite resto lately