When your soul mate passes away

I know ill be leaving out giant chunks of things in this ramble but these are just things popping into my head on a really bad day. Sorry for the punctuation or misspellings. I only knew her for a little over 2 years. We started out talking online. Before we started to talk, we had both gone through hell in previous relationships. I think we loved each other so hard and so fast because of that. I remember everything we did the first day we met in person. There are some details that I hate myself for not remembering. Things like what she wore and what movie we watched at her place. She was so great. Pretty, smart, funny, outgoing, ambitious. Some things that I would describe myself as and some things I wouldn't. It was the perfect fit. Early on we actually had an agreement to not be exclusive to each other. I think I pressured her into it but I'm not sure. After a few weeks we had a text conversation about it and I had revealed to her that even though we didn't consider ourselves in a relationship, I hadn't been looking for anyone else for any kind of attention sexually or emotionally. She said the same thing. I think it was then that I realized I loved her. Another thing I hate myself for is not remembering the first time we said it in person. We had fights and disagreements. I definitely wasn't perfect and caused more fights than she did. I came very close to breaking up with her over the phone. I had an overwhelming feeling of inadequacy and told her I'm not good enough. That she should stay away because I would only cause her pain. I still don't know if that's what really unfolded or not. She convinced me that she loved me and we should be together. Or at least try. The following time we had was amazing. Sports games, amazing sex, barhopping at places where her friends worked/owned, sitting in and watching movies, laughing together. It was a dream. There were of course rough parts but nothing that we couldn't get passed. The cancer came out of nowhere....she had been having really bad pains. Bad enough to where she would call into worl which she never did. I of course being the way I am kind of shrugged it off and told her it's probably nothing. She even gave herself an x-ray at the local veterinarian clinic where she worked and she couldn't see any abnormalities. After she randomly vomited on a vacation we were having, we both knew it was time to get checked out. The original diagnosis was liver cancer. Covering around 1/3 of her liver. The doctor however told us that with treatment, he sees her living a long and happy life. The 2nd opinion gave her 3-6 months to live. The cancer was stage 4 bile duct cancer. Cholangiocarcinoma. Sub 5% survival rate after 5 years. Even if you get treatment. It was her sister that had brought her to the doctor. Her, my girlfriend and i were in her spare bedroom when she told me the diagnosis. They both cried. I didnt. I instantly felt that if i did, then it would be wrong. Im sure my girlfriend was dwelling on the thought of imminent death all day everyday. She would ask why this is happening now. When she had everything she wanted. I of course did cry a lot of tears for her illness. I did have my break downs. It was in my head all day and night. But it felt wrong to not be as strong as i could. It felt wrong because i knew if i cried around her every time i thought about hoe much i hated that she was sick, then thats all she would ever get from me. My girlfriend and her sister didn't talk much due to my girlfriends past with drugs and the wrong crowd. It was a completely different life that she wasn't living the whole time I knew her. My girlfriend was extremely proud of having been able to turn her life around. If there was any good thing to come out of the cancer, it was her being able to have a relationship with her sister again. I quit my job and cashed out my 401k so I could move in with my girlfriend and take care of her and the dogs 24/7. It's funny. Months earlier we were watching a movie and she had asked me if I would stick around to take care of her had anything happened to her. Like blindness. I answered her truthfully and said I honestly don't know. I don't know if I'm that dependable. Or that good of a person. She didn't like that answer haha. I can laugh about it because when she did actually get sick, I had no hesitation. I knew that this is the woman that I could do it for. I'm proud of myself for being able to take care of her. I will however hate myself forever for some things I did while taking care of her. I would roll my eyes. I would shrug my shoulders. I would have terrible thoughts of when is this going to end. I would start fights. One day I even told her I wasn't sure if I still loved her when we had a big fight. I was getting the dogs ready for a walk, she asked, I said I don't know. I left to walk the dogs. Within 5 minutes I was back in the apartment begging for forgiveness. Telling her I was sorry. I said it just to hurt her. That makes me the worst person I could possibly imagine. I still hate myself for fights that I caused. Even though there were some fights that she caused and one or two terrible things that she said, I feel like she had the right to. There was build up to them. With me it was more straight forward. It was silent until it wasn't. I feel like for that, I never deserve to see her again and I understand if she doesn't care about me in the afterlife if there is one. There was one fight we had where she said "I'm the one that's sick." And I replied with "but what about me!? I'm not going to be ok." I think that was the first time in a long time where she understood that I still loved her. At least I hope she did. I told her how I'm going to have to live without her. After having treated her so badly. I told her she deserved more. She tried to reassure me that if I wasn't there then she would have had to move in with her sister. And how that would have made her feel like a burden. And how she felt she was a burden on me. I think I half joked in my response and told her she was a burden but she was my burden and I was proud to take care of her. And proud that she wanted and chose me when we became a couple. I told her that I have to be with her when it happens. I can't let her go through this alone. I couldn't imagine living life right now if I had left her. I can't imagine what my life would be if she wasn't so strong in those moments. I can't believe I needed her to lift me up at points when she was the one that was sick. But that's what I needed. And that's how I know she was the most amazing woman in the world. She died 15 months after being given half a year to live. The cancer had spread from her duct, to her liver, to her bones, to her lungs, to her brain. We found out about the brain because she randomly had a seizure one day. Her eyes rolled into her head, her breathing was erratic, then stopped. I called 9-1-1 in the middle of it all. I was about to start CPR when she came to. She was of course very scared and so was I. The ambulance made it there quickly and took us to the hospital. They gave us the bad news within a couple hours. We actually went home that night and had no more problems. She died within a few short weeks after that. Ironically it may have been one of the treatments that rushed the process and made everything happen so quickly in her last few days of life. She died almost exactly as she wouldn't have wanted to. I think about her every single day. All throughout the day. Her sister and brother in law took care of us so much that I will never be able to thsnk them. My girlfriend got to even knock some of her bucket list items off because of them. She loved beaches and got to go to Hawaii. Her face was full of life on thrill rides at Universal Studios and Disney. I know I dwell on the bad a little too much. I know I'm not being healthy with everything going on in my head. I smoke weed vape pretty much everyday I have free. Sometimes I have a good time. Others I dwell. Like right this very moment. I have a shrine to her which takes up a whole section of wall in my living room. I hold her urn most days and talk to her while looking at her pictures and various gifts we gave each other/tickets to events we went to/pet the dogs I inherited from her. I try to be as anal about their care as she was. I tell her I hope I can see her again but understand if I can't. I tell her I miss her more than anything. I tell her I love her throughout the day. Some days are filled with beauty. But most are filled with the darkest feelings you could ever imagine. The emptiness inside me is immeasurable. I know I will never love anyone again as I did her. And I'm ok with that. I do my best not to disappoint her. But I know I'm failing. I hope I can turn it around and I feel like I will one day. I wish we would have died together in an accident. She has been gone for 6 months, 4 days, and just under 4 hours as of writing this. Sometimes it feels like yesterday. Sometimes it feels like it has been years. I'm able to trick myself into enjoying things here and there. But eventually it just pops into my head of how much more enjoyable it would be if she were still here. Going to the conventions, or watching the shows, or eating out. Everything would be better with her. If I have to go through this torture for the next 5 or 20 or 30 years in order to see her again then I will. Because anything is worth being able to see her again. I used to always tell her "thank you for being mine." I still feel like I'm hers.