More Words from my Inferior Female Brain

After 43 years of experience, discussions, and observations, I have concluded that it is incredibly rare for men, and for some women, but especially men, to be faithful to one another and commit in a real loving and trusting relationship/union/marriage. Which is sad and why I have to continue to ignore my senses and emotions for men that I feel drawn to. I cannot be with a man beyond a friendship who is unable to be faithful; therefore I have to keep that aspect of myself locked away. I can only commit to & and be loyal & faithful to one man in a relationship—yeah, that's legitimately 100% fucking true—I literally can't "date" or treat sex as casual because it doesn't feel good or right to me—never has & never will, despite "encouragement" from certain friends and acquaintances that it's "not a big deal". And maybe sex is not a big deal for them or something they consider beyond some biological self-fulfilling and purely "fun and pleasurable adult act". Sorry I am so uncool and prudish to want a commitment surrounding sex. Guess I am very old-fashioned and "idealistic" and stupid about relationships. Anyhow, guess that means, as I suspected, I will never have another relationship beyond a friendship. Which is 100% ok with me, but where can I find friends to hang out with? Do friendships exist in this world? Anyone interested in talking to me or doing something? Idk dudes... I guess I walk alone and that's just the way it has to be for me. But if anyone ever is interested in coffee and conversation with some old ugly wrinkly white chick, hit me up IRL or even just chat with me through online messages. I'm not some stuck up white woman. I'm pretty chill and open to lots of discussions. 🫶

Maybe in my next life, I can be reborn as some perfect female figure—perhaps then I might have a fighting chance with actual "romance". Until then, I will take my place as the ugly old woman sitting next to the gutter begging for change—as is befitting for someone like me born into such a disheveled family tree. Should have tossed me into the river and erased my miserable existence before it ever began. Yes, I must be sarcastic about this shit because it helps me from being "sad". 😊

<random notes while wandering around>
Area around Central Brooklyn library reminds me of the movie: Edward Scissorhands. Waiting for everyone to come out of their house at the same time and start mowing their fucking lawns. My ex would fit in with these pompous stick up their asses holier than though, pansy ass, mostly gay muthafuckers perfectly, lol!

March 30, 2024

Do any restaurants here offer salads with their damn burgers instead of their endless fucking fries and rice?? It's just like Canada. Full of lies and bullshit about how you can make something of yourself if you just keep trying, work really hard, and get an education. I have all that, but all you want to give me is a job where I push a button and do one thing and I don't even get to speak to anyone or get to utilize all the skills that I have. It's like I'm fucking invisible here too. Ooh, got some fancy fucking award and a letter from the Governor General with a bunch of nonsense about how recipients of these medals can do and achieve great things. No, no they can't. Not unless you know the right people and submit to their B DIE rubbish, which doesn't include white "Karen's" like myself appropriating other cultures by wearing braids and a "jewish" necklace. And how dare I support other cultures and pretend like I know anything about their ways? I should not contribute or comment On subjects that are clearly beyond my comprehension. How dare I attempt to support other cultures or act like I know what it's like to be anything other than a privileged white woman? I don't know what it's like to truly suffer and be discriminated against and have to struggle under the patriarchal white colonial systems. I get everything handed to me and my hands don't know what a hard day of labor truly is.

Canada still sucks worse than here. I bet I can make a killing in the summer by being kind and asking for change. Well, not a killing, but probably enough to get me by comfortably. Especially since I don't drink, smoke, or do drugs. I spend money on food, books, and music. And sometimes I have to replace my shoes and buy a new pair of pants or a shirt. I will go to a thrift store Tho. I don't want their slave labor made designer shit. My converse are probably slave labor made too, but not sure where else I can get decent shoes. Origin Maine probably has a great pair and if I get a real job someday I will buy some. I bet the clothes and shoes last at least 10 times as long as the shit most places sell.

I got a great hoodie from Crook's Corner. It is very well made and I can tell it will last for years. Good quality. Same with the shirt I got from Eminem. Good quality that will last and if I happen to gain 5 pounds, I am sure it will still fit me ok. I have no idea how much I weight currently, but according to those height/weight charts, I am always too fat. Always overweight and my BMI is borderline obese half the time. Oh well. Guess most places think we all have some universal standard for body shape and weight even though some people have dense bone structure and more muscle mass than others.

Anyhow:
Corner of the street with a cup begging for change, here I come in a couple weeks if y'all wanna keep acting like I have nothing to offer and shouldn't even fucking exist. Will the USA see me as human and bless me with an opportunity to show what I can do if given a chance in an environment where I can fully utilize my skills? It's not like I think I am smarter than anyone else, but I know I'm not stupid. I generally stay quite quiet in new workplaces and just observe and learn for a few months. I can't just sit around quietly observing for 3 months here on the streets. I will run out of money in the next few weeks the way things are going. Honestly idk wtf to do. Shut up and observe=broke and penniless. Speak up and try and communicate=no one gives a shit because I haven't been here long enough to know anything or understand anything.

And why are all of your toilets made for people who are like 8 feet fucking tall? My feet don't even touch the ground when I sit on it. How tha fuck am I supposed to take a shit? I'm not elderly and handicapped like the rest of you fat fuckers running on dunkin donuts and sugar and no fucking exercise.

I just want some damn pineapple. It's cheap to buy a whole one, but I don't have a knife and I can't bring food and a knife into the shelter or anywhere anyway. I could spend much less on food than I am, but I am prohibited from carrying my own food into their caring shelter environments. Guess they would prefer people like me to be on the streets where I belong—in the gutter with the rest of the riff raff, lol!!!

<aside>
This chick with her child replacement dog talking to him in a fucking baby voice telling him how cute he is makes me wanna fucking puke.

Well, $20 later at Murray Hill Market at Lexington and East 34th and I feel comfortably full and very happy. $5 on some pineapple (could've bought 2 whole fucking pineapples for what it cost me to buy 1/8 of a cut up one, lol). $15 for a salad with spinach, artichokes, sun-dried tomatoes, black olives, bacon, baby corn, and jalapeños. Note to self: 4 toppings only and 1 protein otherwise they charge $1 extra for the protein. At least he doused the salad generously with the blue cheese dressing, which has always been my favorite. I ate lots of it when I worked at the Embassy Inn on Menzies Dt with wraps. I am betting it was the bread and oatmeal that made me feel so sick and bloated and tired all the time. I think the gobs of peanut butter and blue cheese was the healthy shit, lol! And it's the stuff that actually tastes good too. 😊

It's warm and sunny and I found a nice place to sit and enjoy it for awhile in between the two giant lion statues at the library that has no books, lol! The actual library is just across the corner tho. Wish I had some gum as I don't carry around a toothbrush and toothpaste. Guess I'll have to spend more cash on gum. It helps get the shit out of your teeth after eating and freshens your breath. Works great. I only like peppermint gum. And I don't like the candy-coated/hard shelled kind. Trident or Extra, tho I don't think they sell the Wrigley Extra around here, at least, not that I have found yet. No matter. The Trident tastes great and does the job I need it to do.

The big lion statues remind me of Alice in Wonderland where one side is lying. I look at them like Dems and Reps and just figure both sides are full of shit. Independent all the way. It's this country's best fucking shot. No politicians are perfect, but I feel pretty confident that he's at least trying and is familiar with the political shenanigans from his family history. I really admire JFK (the one that was pres in the 60s and got shot in the vehicle in Dallas, TX while his wife, Jackie Onassis, was there in the back seat with him. Wasn't perfect, no one is, but he had heart and believed in humanity and tried to do "good" by all peoples—which is never easy. Can't please everyone. If you got a 60% approval rating as a mayor or politician, that means your doing a fucking incredible job! Even 50% is damn good when you consider all the people who aren't answering those polls and shit


I'd really love to work for the NY Sanitation department. I think I'd fit right in considering me and my family are white trash. Just a lowly pathetic military family. They don't value military service in Canada like they do in the USA. They think it's bad to invest in weapons and armor, but it sure is good to spend billions on fashionable uniforms that are gender diverse and inclusive. Just offer some smaller sizes for us women—especially them boots! My feet are not tiny by women's standards, but it can be hard to find steel toed boots and shoes in anything less than a 4-4.5 men's. I wear a 4.5 men's. Maybe a 5 if I am wearing a few layers of socks for extra insulation in the winter. And men's clothes fit nicely. Never had an issue at Alpine needing "women-specific" clothes. Picking up trash and working in the yard isn't a fucking fashion show, it's a job. That said, we don't all need to wear the same uniform. What's wrong with people wearing shorts and a tank top with a safety vest? If they got steel toed boots on then What's the problem? Someone sue for something dumb I suppose... ammiright?? Lol!

Also, I understand how Sanitation works with other city departments from the ground up. I started on the very bottom and worked my way up. Also, as I worked for the Mayor of Langford's garbage company, I have a bit more knowledge of other city works and corporate deals, etc. Also, I worked for the government of BC so I have that base knowledge and understanding. Oh, and I learned from SimCity (the original and Up to SimCity 4) about city works and planning. And other sim style games. And I have street knowledge. That's just as important as the fancy pants education in university and college in many careers, tho people who have never lived on the street or been involved with the community like that might not understand the value in that. Oh, and I'm strong and my endurance is excellent. And I can improvise quite well with limited supplies in many situations. Pressure washing garbage compactors and scraping Grey sludgy goo doesn't phase me. I have dealt with all sorts of animal debris, waste, and even their carcasses. It doesn't bother me one bit!

And I know how the office administration stuff works—manually with paper and via computers. We used a computer program to manage our waste and recycling at Alpine called Route Manager, which was through Desert Micros. I figured out how to run all sorts of reports and utilize the system more than what it was being used for, which was super helpful for customers, consistency, follow up, and employees too. And it was fun dispatching and climbing bins and loading up trucks. I even understand stuff about composting because we had a soil mart and made our own compost around the Nanaimo yard. Also, as I lived on an island for most of my life and that's where Alpine was/is as well, we have limited space for waste and recycling and have to sell/ship out of province and country for lots of stuff. When I was with Alpine, I dealt with Seaspan and Washington state. We also had a wood grinder and worked with the pulp mills around town. We had a cardboard and paper baler for awhile too.

I also understand the LEEDS certification and did reports up for many companies: Farmer Construction, Durwest Construction, Kinetic Construction, Knappett, Chew Excavating, and others. Worked a lot with Victoria Shipyards in Esquimalt, BC and Naden and Dockyard. Dealt with environmental cleanup, hazmat, contaminated soil, shipping plants and flowers to nurseries and had to coordinate dropping trailers for unloading/switches. I worked with our truck repair shop, our welding company (Roy was basically it, and Jackie's hubby, something Price), our Slinger and landscape stuff too. I helped with thenSidney spit ferry, limo and party bus bookings. And tons more. I carried a mic phone (radio) 24/7 and was always on call. I liked it because I felt useful and like they trusted me and knew I was responsible and could be relied upon for basically anything, anytime... unless something crazy happened like a bunch of family deaths or something. They would understand that and wouldn't treat me like I was treated at Broadmead vet where they basically told me to suck it up as the lady from Cats Cradle just lost a cat, Oliver, at the same time my grandmother passed. I had to console Bev on the phone about the damn stray cat she had had for a few weeks while I had just lost my 96 year old grandmother who was my legal guardian and only "parent" from the time my grandfather died May 10, 1990.

Also, Alpine understood that people get warm when they are working and doing things that are physical or while working in and standing/sitting in the sunshine and people get cold when they are sitting in an overly air-conditioned office and not doing anything physical. That doesn't mean someone is having hot flashes—it just means they are a normal functioning human being. Also, I sweat lots. Always have. That's why I prefer tank tops. Doesn't matter what fucking deodorant or antiperspirant you give me, I sweat.
And I am not ashamed of it. Some people just sweat more than others. Some people don't sweat at all because they don't like to do anything that requires physical exertion (Like Heather Slevan, lol)

Oh yeah, I forgot, I have also done snow removal: shoveling and vis running a Bobcat (and the other Cat which handles the same but the controls are opposite) It's a bit higher of an elevation in Langford and Sooke and Metchison compared to the City of Victoria so we would get some snow in the area I live in the winter. We helped out the City of Victoria sometimes even, though I think they moved to working exclusively with Mainroad contracting, if I remember correctly.

Oh, and I have done lots of Trap, neuter, vaccinate, snap test and return with feral cat colonies and am very familiar with animals and wildlife from all my years of volunteering and with working at veterinary clinics.

And I am very familiar with poverty, shelters, food banks, illicit drugs, prostitution–though not something I did, I lived with a few and never looked down on them for what they do. I just can't do it and I know it isn't a good thing to help empower women. It just traps them in a cycle of abuse and addiction and the dudes/pimps take most of their cash (and usually treat them like fucking shit and physically/psychologically abuse them—which makes me so fucking angry!! Those dudes are NOT men, they are pathetic man children who can't fucking man-up and do their own fucking work) Anyhow, there are so many other things women are fully capable of doing, including ALL "men's" jobs.

Furthermore, I 100% believe, and I know that New York City, and many human beings, would benefit from a Picasso Cafe style program with all the restaurants they have... ❤️