Chapter 19

Well this morning I don’t beat the alarm, it is the annoying
sound that wakes me up. I take notice too that it is back to
my normal morning mood, I blame the alarm for bringing on my
crabby mood. But I think to myself today is Thursday, I have
today and tomorrow and then I can sleep in over the weekend.
So, it isn't too bad, but still any day that I must get up
before I am good and ready to makes it a bad enough day.
Brandi must sense my mood because she is up and off the bed
before I even sit up and stretch, smart cat.
I turn off my alarm on the bedside table and slide out of bed.
I learned never turn off my alarm prior to at least sitting
up, otherwise I will never get up or at least not in time for
work. So even though my alarm is on the nightstand I was
smart enough to move the nightstand far enough away from the
bed so that I can't reach it without at least first sitting
up. By the time I am sitting up in bed, I am in good enough
shape to trust myself to not lay back down after I turn it
off.
I decide to hit the shower first this morning and take a cool
shower in the hopes that maybe that will help to wake me up a
little bit and give me some much-needed energy. Already the
dreadful thoughts of having to decide about this weekend and
Warren snap into my mind at lightning speed. I guess I have
no luck of totally and honestly just forgetting about the
whole thing and not have to make that decision, nope of course
not. I know I should know better than to think that something
like that is going to happen, that is not my kind of luck.
No, the only thing I could see happening for me to not have to
make this decision is if I would fall over dead from some
mysterious illness, or a heart attack. I know that is a
horrible thing to think, but that is the only luck I could
expect to get me out of this whole thing. That is the reason
I do not play the lottery or gamble, I am not completely
stupid.

I jump into the cool shower and just stand there and let the
water pour over my body, until I feel like the water has
warmed up, then I turn it down even more until I must start a
slight jog in place. I am hoping this will jump start my
heart and pump some energy into me, also I think there must be
a better way to jump start your day.
I am a creature of habit usually have the same thing for
breakfast during the week, my toast and coffee. But
occasionally, I change it up, and make scrambled eggs or
sometimes even stop for a bite on the way to work. Not too
often do I decide to stray from my norm, but occasionally I
will, or fate will make the decisions for me.
I begin to think about fate and wonder if Warren running into
me was fate or just a normal accident. It is just so odd to
me how being around Warren felt so natural, especially while
he was holding my hand. It was almost like he is supposed to
be holding my hand and sending electric charges up my arm and
stop I think, just stop. It is just a freaking accident one
of many that happen to millions of people every day. You are
just imagining these things, you have too much time on your
hands. I decide I need to get a hobby and if I had something
to do to keep me occupied I wouldn’t be thinking these fucked
up things.
I accept that explanation from myself, as I sit down to
somewhat enjoy my breakfast, I mean seriously how enjoyable is
buttered toast and coffee. But it gets me started and through
the morning until lunchtime. I wonder if I would eat more for
breakfast then I wouldn't need to be eating my lunch already
at 11:00. Maybe I can start that and start eating more for my
breakfast, I mean they do say that breakfast is the main meal
of the day. They also say that you should start the day
immediately by drinking water and avoiding coffee or caffeine.
I have tried that and tried to just cut my caffeine intake in
general and let me tell you I had major headaches, and massive
withdrawal. It was crazy, that is the day that I realized
fuck this I don't do street drugs, so I am entitled to having

caffeine as my preferred drug of choice. At least it is
legal, and it won't show up in any random piss tests at work.
I am lucky and have never smoked cigarettes or anything else
for that matter, I never tried drugs. Well I don’t count
alcohol as a drug, I’m talking about the illegal ones. I was
always a good girl growing up, I guess it was because of my
group of friends. I got lucky to never feel the peer pressure
that a lot of kids must face. Well not until I turned 21 then
the guy I was dating introduced me to pot.
I must admit I liked pot, it really slowed me down and relaxed
me. Much better than any medications that doctors have put me
on to pretty much do the exact same thing weed does. The
fucked-up part is the weed worked a million times better than
the pills. I asked my doctor about legal marijuana went that
whole thing started, but I guess my mental illnesses were not
yet covered as an acceptable illness.
Oh well I just continued to try ever available prescription
drug on the market for my illness until I found the one that I
am currently taking. It seems to take some of the edge and
effects of my illness away. I know it helps because believe
it or not I was ten times worse than what I am now. It’s
pathetic to think that this negativity and anxiety shit does
get worse when I am not medicated.
Sometimes it scares me because I know I am on some powerful
shit, but it’s like it doesn’t seem to work the same way it
would for someone else. I know this is really a bad thing
that I did but it really made me aware of just how potent my
meds really are, well to the normal person anyway.
I was dating a guy and he was bigger than me and had seen me
take my medication one night and asked what it was for. I
told him to help me chill out, so I can sleep, he asked me for
one, and of course Ms. Does the right thing said no at first,
but he wouldn’t drop the subject. so, I finally figured

whatever one isn't going to kill him or, so I thought. No,
the dude didn’t croak but let me tell you what I thought I was
going to have to drag his big ass outside and call the cops to
inform them that there was an unconscious man laying outside
my apartment in his underwear. I knew he was breathing, and I
figured they would hurry and get there because I mean it was
the dead of winter.
Seriously, I could not wake this dude up. No shit I was scared
to death, I thought I killed the mother fucker. He finally
started to come around, I think it was probably like 18 hours
later and I don’t know how many after until he finally was
able to get the fuck up. He was like wow that shit is
awesome, I was like what the fuck it doesn't do that to me.
I had questioned my doctor about this, told her I knew someone
on the same meds but was on a much lower dose and they said it
worked wonders and knocked them out. She told me it is
because I have been on this medication for so long and my body
becomes immune in a way, so they must increase the doses every
so often. I was like well what the fuck is that all about, I
mean what happens if I get old and demented and must take
medication, then what will happen. Fuck my luck it won't
work, and I will be in a state hospital somewhere tied to a
chair and gagged.