Chapter 23

There have been many times throughout my life that I thanked
God that we were not created with the little bubbles above our
heads that let others know what we are thinking, like what you
see in cartoons. For me that would absolutely be the end for
me, no one would come within ten feet of me with subtitles
like the ones circling in my fucked-up head. I really wish
that I could evict the big bully in my head, the one that
makes these horrible thoughts and visions a daily thing for my
every waking minute. I mean come on now, cut me a break this
shit never ever stops, I even have dreams that revolve around
this pessimism. Oh, and let me fill you in on my dreams, they
are vivid, I dream in color like I’m watching a movie and I
remember them. Oh, it’s awesome when I am having a good
dream, I upon waking want to go back and stay in those dreams
because my reality is so bleak and dark, compared to the good
dreams that I can have. But when the dreams are bad they are
downright bad. I have woken up on numerous occasions
screaming with tears running down my face, and it will take me
a couple minutes to realize that it was only a dream. Those
fucking times suck, and you know that they had to really be
bad, because I am happy that I woke up and was able to come
back to my reality.
I always question dreams, especially the ones that come out of
the blue. Like I have had dreams about people that I haven't
seen in years. It’s not like I ran into someone from the past
and that triggered me to think about that person, so why at
night would that person then show up in my dreams. Also, the
dreams where you wake up in the middle of a dream and then
when you go back to sleep the dream picks up where it left
off, how is that even possible.
The human mind is a truly amazing and astonishing thing. I
mean when you really think about it, if you ever went through
some trauma in your life your mind can protect you and block
those memories from you. No shit, your mind can protect you I
just wish mine would evict the motherfucker that resides in
there.

I know this is true, because of some of the counseling I have
went through for my mental quirks. They believe that
somewhere in my past something may have traumatically happened
to me and my mind blocked it. The really fucked up part is I
when the counselors told me this, yes more than one counselor
has told me this, and then they want to try and find out about
it. They want me to try and talk, maybe even go under
hypnosis so I can find it and work through it. I was like are
you fucking insane, you are telling me that something horrible
enough that my mind is nice enough at protecting me from may
have happened to me and you want me to try and remember it. I
thought fuck this shit you are the one who should be sitting
where I am if you think I am going to do that. Fuck,
seriously like I don't have enough fucking mental issues
without having that thrown in there on top.
I did start to do self-hypnosis and meditation, that is one
thing that I do for myself. Every night when I go to sleep I
have a CD that I turn on and listen to, a guided meditation to
help relax and relieve stress. I guess it works, I know one
of the therapists that I went to did hypnotize me, and she was
shocked at how quickly she could put me under. When I was
leaving she had asked if anyone ever did that to me before,
and I said no. Then I told her that I do listen to these CDs
on my own and she said that that was the reason I went under
so quickly and easily. At first, I was kind of scared, but
after doing this for quite some time if I don’t do it I am
lost. Now I must have the CD playing when I fall asleep, it
is like I must have that to relax enough to go to sleep.
I mean if you look online there are so many things out there,
and I have yet to try some of them because they sound kind of
dangerous and scary. Like there is one way that you can leave
your body when you sleep and explore it sounds intriguing.
But I was like knowing my luck I would explore and would never
want to come back to my body or get lost and not be able to
find my way back. A few days the neighbors would be calling
the cops for a horrendous odor coming from my apartment, and
they would find my dead half eaten body that kept Brandi alive
until I was found. There it is, my wonderfully colorful

thoughts that complete me. I say sarcastically, as I turn my
attention back to the tv and say well at least I have an
imagination even if it is sadistic.
As I yawn I realize that it is almost 10:00 already and that
is the reason why my body is telling me I’m getting so tired,
plus all these thoughts about sleeping I guess aren't helping.
Brandi had snuggled up next to me after I finished eating and
has been lying next to me getting a wonderful long kitty cat
massage. She is knocked out, I say to her lets go to bed,
mommy is tired and feel so guilty to disturb her. I get up
and take my dishes over to the sink, rinse them off and throw
all the dirty dishes in to the dishwasher and start it.
Casually I walk over to my phone, as I am trying to convince
myself that I just want to be sure I plugged it in. Not that
in the morning I find out the hard way that I never did and
have a dead phone. But, I know fucking well enough I am
checking to see if I got any kind of response back from
Warren, deep down inside I am hoping to hear back from him.
But there is nothing, I sigh and again say I gave him too long
to respond back, fucking dumb bitch. I think out loud to the
bully “maybe you are right and were right all along, I am just
setting myself up like the dumb bitch I really am". As I turn
everything off and go into my bedroom, hoping and praying
silently that I am right with this whole Warren thing and the
evilness is wrong this time, a girl can dream, can’t she?