Did I cross the line?

My inner child walks along the foliage-dense path
Picking wildflowers
Fisting their stems in my tiny hands
Like my dad's hands
Grabbing my waist
Spinning me around
Our laughs filling the wind with joy
I was flying
Weightless
And I have spent every moment since
Chasing that sensation
So much in life connecting my body's size, that weightlessness, with love and connection
With an earned deservingness
Women must use their bodies to pay our rent in the world
Be skinny and be pretty
Become what that means in the eyes of every person you meet
The eye of the beholder
Their stares grope every tress of your hair, every stretch of your shirt, every pull in your pants
If I just change my body everything else will fall in to place

They promised
If I became weightless
If I paid my dues
If I did as I was told
Did what was expected of me
If I was a good girl, I would find companionship, meaning, love
Sure, I'll get cheated on, Ill be lied to, Ill be abused, I'll be hunted,
but those jeans from high school didn't fit anymore, so what did I expect?
They would rather have a thin woman with a deadly illness than a fat woman exist
So what did I expect?
My payments were overdue,
but I couldn't afford it anymore.
I am sick
Poisoned by the expectations of others
Chipping away at myself
My soul
like a marble sculpture
Where Michalangelo found a masterpiece
I found pieces
Marks of an ancient, vibrant being
Full of joy
Smelling of boisterous laughs carried on the wind
Lay bare and barren
I caressed the crumbling fragments
In my tiny fists
Alongside the wildflowers
Oh, How nature can create and destroy

Beauty
It is in the eye of the beholder
But my eyes have never been mine
Only seeing what others said made me undeserving
A collage of all our insecurities, laid out in one bleeding portrait
Only seeing what wasn't
Instead of what was
And now when I look in the mirror
All I can ask myself is
When did I cross the line?