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I am starting a new chapter in my life..... |
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I started job hunting today...... sort of. I am working with my new friend Audrey (employment specialist) to get ready to go job hunting. We're going to be redoing my wardrobe (somewhat) and doing practice interviews and such. This is where the journey will be documented for posterity. I also will throw in news about my writing now and again as that is what the site is for. |
| Let me finally spell out the problem I've been having for almost two months now. I started not just having periods, but basically hemorrhaging after having been in menopause for six years and not having any. at first there was nothing, just bleeding a lot, which was enough. Then I started having off and on cramps which sometimes knocked me off my feet for the day. Then there was not just pressure, but pain with a capital P. With the pain I started passing clots. I went to the ER the first time the day I had my first gynecology appointment and all they did was schedule me for bloodwork and an Ultrasound (which they did when I went in that night) which by the way was Halloween night. That was when they said I had a cyst on my ovary and to follow up with Gynecology. Gynecology decided the records they received from the ER were "inconclusive" and they would call me when they could get my insurance to approve an MRI. Cue the long silence. I went back to the ER today because I was having to change my pullup every hour and was passing clots the size of golf balls. (ended up taking an ambulance there this time) Spent six hours there for them to do a CT scan and a pelvic exam. All that and all they would tell me was to follow up with Gynecology............ And, oh, by the way, the CT scan showed a spot on your lung so you need to follow up with your primary care as well.... I am at the point of "Just tell me my body is riddled with cancer so I can just die"...... I don't even care if I write another word ever tonight......... |
| Went with Audrey today to get my clothes from The Salvation Army Store. The voucher said I could get 4 tops and pants sets, 2 dresses, shoes and a jacket. but, it also said I could only have $15 worth. Everything we looked at was $3 and $4 a piece. I ended up coming home with 3 tops and 2 pairs of pants. I was upset but what could I do? We had run out of time as it was looking for what we found. I still don't even know if it fits because they no longer have fitting rooms. Salvation Army has gone down hill yet they are opening a new store on the North End. With the way the rest of the retail has been going, they will be closing the South end store shortly after opening the new one, I told Audrey that I wanted to back off on IPS for now and work with Michigan Rehab. I just meant that I didn't want to get together on a scheduled basis every week, rather get together when we have something substantial to do. She said she will close my case for now and to let Jacob know when I wanted to restart. Oh well. If I find someplace that I might want to drop a resume or something I can go with Sally on a Monday. She would be thrilled to take me. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ I figured I would tell you what books on writing I picked up at the library. How Not to Write a Novel: 200 Classic Mistakes and How to Avoid Them, a Misstep By Misstep Guide. by Howard Mittlemark and Sandra Newman. How I Write. Secrets of a Bestselling Author. by Janet Evanovich with Ina Yalof. From Idea to Novel, Mastering the Process by Elizabeth George These two are the ones I got before. I picked them because they were Young Adult Novels. Ghost House by Alexandraa Adornetto. New York Times Bestselling Author of the HALO Trilogy. Witches of Ash and Ruin by E. Latimer. II don't know what I am going to end up doing with them all. I jotted some notes as I skimmed through From Idea to Novel. I had started reading Witches of Ash and Ruin but it takes effort for me to pick it up. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Everything takes effort these days. I've been hoping for something to pick up my mood. I thought getting the clothes was going to do it but that just turned into another let down. I don't know. I guess I need to just keep forcing myself to do things until I find something that will be that pick me up. |
| Way behind on NaNo, but have had some new developments. Found my original notes to "Birchwood Manor"  so going back to it for NaNo. I did write approximately 700 words to a Christmas story yesterday though. Don't know if I should add it to my word count..... I feel like I already failed this year, so it really doesn't matter what I do.I'm going to go ahead and add those 700 words. They were written with the intent of NaNo so I feel they count. __________________________________________________________________________________ Went to the library again with Sally. There wasn't anything else for us to do as we were both flat broke. Took out three more books. These are books on writing that I'm just going to skim through. Audrey called Michigan Rehabilitation who then called me. I have an intake appointment with them in December. I think, after we get my clothes, I'm going to tell Audrey that we can play it by ear on when we want to meet again. What I need is the job training that MR will provide before I can get a job. As I keep telling myself, I just don't have the proof of most of my knowledge. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________ Gynecology called me. Where, when I was in the ER, they told me I had a cyst on my ovary, the report they gave the office said it was inconclusive. They want me to go f or more tests and will call me when they get them set up. I need to call the pharmacy. I'm almost out of insulin and Trulicity. I've been on the CGM thingy and it always says that I am high so I mostly ignore it. I need to call the clinic to see when my next appointment with them is. Neurology still has me running my tail off for appointments. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________ All I can do is take one day at a time and hope things keep going smoothly.. |
| I am changing my NaNo project. I started with "Birchwood Manor" but I just keep wanting my original notes and I am second guessing every other word. I just can't work on it until I can find my notes which are probably in the basement. I've checked my room completely as I was certain I left them in here, but I guess not. So where does that put us? I did find my notes to my Christmas stories, so I am going to continue my word count for the month on those. ______________________________________________________________________________________________----- Between NaNo, job searching, medical appointments, and the kids I have been stressed out to the max. There are so many things I wish I could change about my life but most of it costs money that I don't have. I'm going out tomorrow morning with Sally. I don't know what we are going to do. I have an appointment with Audrey on Tuesday so I'm going to take the voucher to Salvation Army with her. I've got to call gynecology and see if they got my test results from Thursday. I've got to call the pharmacy and get refills on my Trulicity and insulin. There's probably other calls I need to make. Everything and nothing going on at once. Story of my life. |
| First day of NaNoWriMo. I wrote 703 words. Not bad but not my goal of 2000 a day. Still, I may write more of it later. ____________________________________________________________________________________________------ Still nothing on the job front. I'm ready to give up as always. I know I am not going to do the fleeting thought I have once in a while of caving in and applying for fast food. I just had a thought. What if the jobs I've applied to have tried to contact my old jobs or my references and gotten bad reviews or no reviews at all. I can totally see that happening. Face it. I am not qualified to work in the areas I want to, and I cannot work in the areas I am qualified for. How am I supposed to keep my hopes up? The only calls I've gotten since I started putting my number out there for jobs is "reduce your debt", "you may qualify for up to $?????? a month", and "we can lower your monthly utility bills" (and of course the potential spam blocked by my phone). It is all hopeless. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ I cannot do anything productive. I am coming to that conclusion. It is the harsh cruel reality of things. How do I continue to go on? How do I feel good about myself? I don't know. Sometimes I do things just to drone away time. I keep thinking that if I keep trying, I will find something that makes me content. That is what I have settled for: Contentment. I can't say that anything gives me happiness anymore. I haven't been able to say that for a long time. Things have just lost their power. At least I am not thinking about dying all the time anymore. I am not constantly wondering how I could get away with hurting myself. You know what goes synonymous with contentment? Boredom. A constant feeling of just wanting to lay down and sleep the rest of my life away. The only thing that gives me hope is that little urge I get to go on. To get up, to move, to accomplish something. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Terry told me the other day that I should write my life story. I told her I can't because it is too painful. I want all my writing around me again. I want to work on it, on all of it. I want to shut myself in my room and force myself to do something with it. I miss having everything around me. But there is no space for it. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________-- This weekend I need to clean my room. I can't find what is in here let alone what might be someplace else. I've gotten to the point where I don't remember what I put in storage and what is in here somewhere. I have to search through it all and organize it. Right now, I need to find something better to do than drivel on in this blog. |
| Went and had another test done at Neurology today. Put electrodes on my head and had me follow a green light on the wall with my eyes. Highly entertaining. Tomorrow I have my meeting with the financial advisor rescheduled. YAWN. Then I figured I might as well hang about CMH for two to three hours until my appointment with Audrey. On second thought I might come home and have her pick me up. I don't know what we are going to do at any rate. She keeps asking me where I want to go apply. If I knew I wouldn't need her for much. edit: I don't feel like I'm qualified for the jobs available that I wouldn't mind having. I know I could probably do them with ease, but I have no proof of my experience. How do you produce proof of life experiences? The jobs that I do feel I am qualified for I don't want because I don't think I'd be able to keep up. I just don't have the moves for stuff like fast food anymore; not that I ever did. My year and a half at MacDonalds I felt like I was never good enough. Besides things have changed since then and you need to be even faster nowadays. I have two days left to decide if I'm going to try NaNoWriMo. I think if I'm going to do something besides "Nezoom 2024" that I should try to do some prep. Then again, I want to just try pantsing this time. I've thought about working on "Birchwood Manor" but I'd have to reread what I've got so far.I really do need something to give me some structure. WE'll have to see what develops. |
| Had Sally checking up on my Salvation Army voucher this morning. She says it can only be done on a Tuesday. I have to go over that way tomorrow for a Neurology appointment, so I might check in on it. Sally and I went to the library, and I took out two books from the young adult section. I'll tell you more about them as I get into reading them. I have yet for any place to call me though I've put in applications online and in person. __________________________________________________________________________ Not too much else going on. Still texting with my daughter. It is the only thing keeping me going these days. Just to see her say it is going to be all right and that she loves me gives me enough lift to keep going. ________________________________________________________________________________________ My writing has come to a standstill. I just can't get myself to work on my Christmas stories without the notes I wrote a while back that I cannot seem to locate. I don't want to work on my sci-fi story, even though I did October Prep on it, there are still a lot of questions to answer. ____________________________________________________________________________________________- so where does that leave me? Up a creek without a paddle heading towards a waterfall. I don't even feel like I'm doing this blog justice. I did get my keyboard to reconnect. Thank goodness for small favors. |
| I'm an idiot. I reset my tablet to factory settings and now I can't get my keyboard to connect. So now I can't do half the things I used to. Went to McDonald's with Audrey. Put in applications online and updated my resume again. Hopefully I can go with Sally on Monday to get my voucher for clothing and pick those up. I haven't been able to write that much. I scribbled some lines on one of my Christmas stories but not anything substantial or that I even liked. Maybe I'll write more later. |
| Went with Sally yesterday. I guess she is going to be the one to take me to Salvation Army for work clothes. That's fine. I understand that Audrey must be busy. I see her tomorrow. I'm going to try to come up with a list of places we can drop resumes. Wish me luck. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Victoria stayed home from school today. She's been running a fever for some reason. I haven't seen her. She's been spending her time in Terrys room. I finished October Novel Prep Month as a runner up. No matter. I should be madder at myself than them for not making the time limit but I think the 72-hour rule is dumb. It should just be that if you don't have that day's assignment in by midnight then you're disqualified. Oh well. Don't get me started. I also wrote a bunch of notes on my Christmas story. I may switch to that for NaNoWriMo, if I participate at all. I would do Rage of Envy but that novel has been the subject of three Nano's already. I have no idea what I'm going to do really. Been texting back and forth with Laura Becoming a SSDD thing. |
| The 16th went out with Audrey and put in my application at Goodwill then found out I had to apply online for Dollar Tree. Came home and did that and applied to a couple of other job openings. I really should be keeping better track of this stiff but I don't feel like it. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ I've had a cold all week so my brain is barely functional. I am so stuffed up I could be a plushie. today I wrote three and a half pages of notes on one of my Christmas stories. It felt really good. I've been working on October Novel Prep but I don't know how far I've gotten. I'll look when II get done here. I heard from my daughter, Laura. I'm definitely excited. we are talking via text now. It is just great to know she is alive and well and prospering...... Now if only my eldest would talk to me more. Life goes on |
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Stress = not good. Have no advice though. Breathe? I'm coming out of high anxiety and depression. It's been a slow uphill struggle.