very little progress

I struggle with toxic shame and self acceptance.
I've once again made myself unavailable others.
One of my biggest fears is to be abandoned again,
but it's strange because I abandoned myself.
I think it probably hurts just as much.
But, I keep doing it. I keep running as soon as any kind of intimacy seems near.

As long as I've remained single, I still don't feel ready and able to be an asset to someone elses life.
That's where all the overcompensating comes from.
If anything, I'd be a liability. Nobody wants that. I don't want that.

I started therapy in August. I've been passed through 3 therapists and am just now getting into the EMDR.
The results are miniscule and slow. I'm struggling to open up fully. I have a hard time relaxing in the chair with the buzzers.
I feel like they feel bad for me. Telling me how resilient I am and that anyone who'd been through what I have would have PTSD also.
This isn't what I want to hear. As someone who has a lot of shame and guilt, a soft touch is not comforting to me. I'm trying hard to manage expectations, as they seem to be my downfall. I feel like I want to fight about it.
My newest therapist seems to genuinely want to help. She even lowered the cost to $150 an hour for me in good faith.
I'm still journaling every day but I lost connection with my younger self a few weeks ago after shadow work. I can't see or hear him anymore. I'm worried about this. I felt like I was making good progress and all of a sudden now I'm stuck. They warned me this might happen.

A positive thing would be I've been able to self regulate my nervous system more than a couple times, using the tools I've been given.

I'm a little frustrated this week. I feel like I should be doing more and maybe I'm not currently doing my 100% best. I slept all weekend and so I lost that time, and now I have to go to work and start another contract.