Diagnosis Unspun

The human only had two legs and couldn’t spin; spider vet prescribed aspirin

Debra was a very sad space tarantula, because her human was sick. She had discovered the human only recently, clearly missing six of the normal eight legs, and completely lacking the ability to make a web.

She pulled in to the urgent care lane at the vet, her flying saucer scraping the landing strip as she got sloppy rushing about. Doc Wolf Spider scuttled to pick up the sextuple amputee human, gently placing her on the stretcher.

“What will it take to give my pet eight legs again, Doc?” Debra asked, wailing. “I only found her a week ago, and I already love her. It’s agonizing to see her with just two legs, and no ability at all to catch flies. The poor thing must be hungry!”

The human on the stretcher looked from side to side, muttering to itself about arachnophobia or some such thing. It rubbed its forehead and mumbled, “I’d love an aspirin about now.”

Doc Wolf Spider, in a flash on inspiration, sent the tarantula and her pet on their way with a prescription. “Remember, for every two hundred tablets, she’ll regrow a tenth of a leg. For every five hundred tablets, a tenth of an inch of silk webbing will emit from her fingernails. No more than one half a tablet of aspirin every day.”

He figured once Debra realized nothing was happening, he could claim she’d just misheard his advice. He was pretty sure the animal he’d examined was an omnivorous biped, but that was just how things go. After all, there was his oath of office to consider: I do swear on my web that the customer knows her pet.