I am free now, so what do I do?

When you are finally free, when the looking over the shoulder stops, what do you do?

I finally got out. Its been a month since I left, since I packed my things, since I got on the plane, since I settled into my new room and kissed those who followed me here goodbye as they went back to that town and I was finally free. It is finally real. I am free, no more checking over my shoulder, no more watching my language or how I dress or who I hang out with. There is a sickening sense of relief that I feel knowing I have left my family behind, my friends, my hometown and everything there. I am alone here and I am free for the first time since I was a child.

I still cook food for dinner, I still do laundry for myself, I still manage my life and all the new things that I didn't have before, but it is my life now. There is no storm of fear and self betraying shame hanging over my head as I go about my day in a sea of people who don't care. I am someone who is just another face in a crowd.

That is something I'm still getting used to. The sheer simple fact that not a one of those faces cares enough to confront or shame me. Some in private may still think about me in disgust but I am not going to fear their response. I don't have to wonder if their whispers of hatred filled venom will reach my family and poison my veins. There is no secret fly on the wall that is ready to spill my life onto the pavement infront of those who's words would shatter me. I am just a face in a crowd. I am finally a face and not a mask that has been crafted by years of silently watching every hate filled word and table talk opinion.

I go about my day now, functioning with a sense of permanency that I have never felt before. Here, across the country, away from everything and one I knew I feel real. I am made of flesh and blood instead of tightly knitted shame and paranoia. I am just me. I'm not just allowed to be me, not just expected to be a version of me but I am truly me. No one is needed to give me permission to breath and to function and to finally live. I don't have to wait any longer.

I may never not have the cracks from my family, I will carry the whispers and fear that has been carved into my brain for as long as it has neurons firing. But those cracks can be filled in, those carved scars can be flooded with everything new till they are just raised bumps and dips in my psyche. I am growing and it is ugly and frustrating. I catch myself speaking in code and avoiding thing that in the past would have gotten me tormented or found out. I know I'm safe now, that they can never find what I becoming and who I am. I am not ashamed, but I am healing. And as that awful saying goes, healing take time. So, so, so much time.

I did something new today, I fell asleep in the lounge room. My roommate was there while we watched a video and I fell asleep while she sat beside me. I have not been able to do that since before I even realised what I am, who I am. I am not scared anymore, or at least not as much as I once was. One day I will be so far from here this thought will be a distant memory. But I have to see, have to be kind and recognise that I have come so far from that little girl who knew she wasn't like the other kids in her class and knew what that could mean. I can't change who I am, but I can change where I grow. So I moved, and now I am free. I wonder what that little girl, who always cared so much for her family and friends would think of me.

Today I did laundry, today I tried for the third time to get the mould in the grout of my shower sorted with my apartments mantinace crew, and today I procrastinated on my assessment work that I know I need to do. After I finish writing, umming and ahhing if I should post this I will vacuum my floor that I've been avoiding for weeks, cook dinner because I cheated for lunch and forgot breakfast. Tomorrow I will move forward, taking steps forwards and backwards in a frustrating dance that I am being forced to learn because I've only ever stood still before while others push and pull and shove and grab. I am learning, and unlearning, and growing and cutting out the rot that has tried to root its self in me. So much of myself and my identity been shaped by fear and hatred and I am now allowed to unravel myself from it all.

I am free now, and I have to learn to operate outside the cage. I am sure it will be frustrating, that I am going to fall and trip as I learn to dance, to breath, to be. One day, it will be worth it, but today I am just allowing myself to recognise the fact that I am free. That I got out. There is an entirely new life waiting for me, one that I should never have had to fight to be allowed to live, but I am here now. So to answer this question I posed, to stop the monologue that has dragged itself on for longer than it should have, I am going to do what needs to be done so that I keep growing. I will move forwards, change and evoule into something that those who knew me will never recognise, and I am not going to stop till that little girl I once was could look at me and know it was worth it. I am safe, I am me, and nothing can take that away again.