Whine & Cheese Winners

AND THE WINNING LETTERS ARE....
Along with the response letters


Grand Prize Winner - Amidra

21, Youz stink!

Bubba,

I spoke with one of your phone sex operators and I was quite displeased with the level of shrieking and moaning. She only said my name twice. And once she called me a girls name. I ordered your "Jerk-on-the-go" tape and it spontaneously combusted matter of three days. If your stuff can't take the heat, don't sell it. I'm a mans man and I need rough and tumble. Elsie the blow up cow has busted an udder and I still have not received a replacement! I hope I will not have these same problem with my "pump-the-stump". For all this harassment I will only call in 3 times today instead of my normal 12.

Mildly Angry,
Joe "Red Palm" Schmo

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Leave Your Message in the Tin Can by the big Oak Tree.
Red House, Mississippi

Dear Mr. Red Palm,

I take offense to your statement that a mal-odiferous condition exist at the Whine & Cheese Company, Inc., cause I no longer use that muskrat grease for my hair dressing. Of course, I must admit that Bubba, he still do rassale with them pigs. Hovever, we hose ‘im down regularly and it ain’t so bad now.

And I am most upset with the accusation that we have a phone sex operation doing business out of The Whine & Cheese Company, Inc. You are obviously confusing our company with The Cheezy, Wine & Company in New Orleans. There are many confusing similarities that may be adding to the mix-up. They are located at 32 Red House Rd and we are located in Red House, MS and our phone number happens to be 32. So I am sure you can see how this problem occurred. .

You mentioned the shrieking and moaning on the phone. That was in fact, Harley, he have the Texaxo Filling Station in our building. At the time of the alleged phone call, he was in the restroom and the alleged moaning and shrieking was in fact Harley grunting and cursing as he wus trying to plunge the drain to unplug the toilet. He is rather fat, kinda like a mature fattening hog and sweat a lot in that small restroom, plus he do occasionally use rather strong language. As a matter of fact, we have to send the female workers over to the Feather and Felt Shop which is part of the Haberdashery Dept. of AB Smith and Sons General Grocery Merchandise and Haberdashery Emporium, when Harley gets to a slucing with that plunger. We suspect ole Abe mite be stopping up our toilet drain just to get the extra business.

That tape you mentioned that did not last. I guess not. What we sent you was a cassette of scotch tape designed for gift wrapping. You should not put it inside your VCR or you will have a taped up VCR. I hope you did not overlook the small print warning on the package: “Dangerous when used by children under 8 and similar adults.”

Again, I am sorry there was a mix-up on the various products you ordered. However, I must ask you to not make these damaging accusations since we do live in a small rural community and folks don’t take kindly to those kind of stories. Bubba’s wife done threatened to divorce him and of course Bubba afraid he might lose the trailer house. Further, I would hate for our legal staff to have to address this problem. We use the premiere legal firm of Red House, Bubba, Bubba, Bubba and Jimbo LLLCPA. I mite add that they have never lost a case in Red House.

We have plenty of Christmas Gift Packs available and I am authorized to give you a special price if you will order a case. And may I recommend that you spend your money on good things like our Gift Packs instead of that trashy stuff put out by that sleezy New Orleans purveyor of smut.

And in closing, let me say that we appreciate your patronage of our business. Faithful and repeat customers such as you are a great value to our company. Do write again and enclose an order.

Whinningly Yours,
Jim Whinnery, Head Chief Whiner


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Honorable Mention
Nate Glows in Starlight

31. I cannot take it anymore!

Dear Mr. Whine and Cheese Man Sir...

When I have hamburgers, I want pickles on them. Mmmm... pickles, enough to add crunch to any yummy hamburger! However, I'll open the refrigator and there stands my arch-nemesis, the bane of my very existance... the pickle jar!


I am a weak man. Okay, maybe weak is not the best word to use... more like puny . It's not my fault, just because I'm a guy doesn't mean I can bench 200! I remember Abraham Lincoln more than Ah-nold Schwagen-hammer, and I cannot open that god-forsaken jar!

I'll struggle, and struggle and struggle, but to no avail, for the pickles are teasing me from inside their delicious juices! And... And...And I have to ask someone else for help. Of course, everybody else can open the jar. From my dad to my mom to my 85 year old arthritic grandmother who pops it open and yells "Yeh Sonny! I'm Diesel!!!" (Probably the most distrubing thought of the year right there).

Why do the pickle jar people close it so tight? Is there some kind of conspiracy where fat-cat pickle executives sit around a smoky cigar-filled room and say "<puff puff> Let's make sure Nate cannot eat his pickles and looks like a girly-man" Well let me tell you Mr. Pickle Executive, I don't need you to look like a girly-man! I can do that all by myself! <starts to sniffle> So... why are they so tightly closed? and Mr. Whine and Cheesey Man... if you have a chance <hands you pickle jar> I want a hamburger... <puppy face>

~Nate

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Leave Your Message in the Tin Can by the big Oak Tree.
Red House, Mississippi

Dear Nate,

Nate, Nate, Nate…tsk, tsk. Bless yore heart, had a break with reality, have we? (See "The Southern Tongue" for explanation to “Bless yore heart.”)

You know, it’s interesting that some folks like pickles on thair hamburger and some folks don’t. Don’t you find that interesting? I do. I did a study on that very subject one time and I talked with every student in the Red House Schoolhouse and I found out that ever’one, not just part of ‘em, but ever’ stinking one of ‘em…I mean ever’one from 1st through 12th grade, uh, no, that’s 1st through 9th grade ‘cause Harley Jr. dropped outa the 12th grade to join the army. But I mean all 28 students, ever’one of them either liked or didn’t like pickles on thair hamburger. So, that proves that pickles is a issue with folks here in Red House.

But, Nate. Nate, Nate, Nate. Thairs a very easy solution for this issue. Just go the MacDonalds, they say “have it your way.” I mean, you kin say, git them pickles off’n my Big Mac and they’ll take ‘em off. Or you kin say, “load er up” and they’ll load er up fer yu. Nate. Nate, Nate, Nate, bless yor hart, this ain’t rocket science. Tell granny to stop rattling on ‘bout how she kin open nem pickles. Tell pop to take a hike, or maybe tell him yu gonna take a hike down to MacDonalds, and order up them Big Macs with double pickles.

Nate. Nate, Nate, Nate, Nate. Life is short. Don’t be controlled by your pickle fettish. Break the bonds to freedom. Stand up and be counted. Be yor own man. When the going get’s tough, the tough gets going. Take the high road. A man what don’t lie ain’t got nothing to say. Know what I mean, Nate? Yes, that’s right. Order a case of our Christmas Gift Packs!

Whinningly Yours,
Jim Whinnery, Head Whiner-in-chief


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Honorable Mention
DChabino

30. Bird Don't Work Right

Bubba Bruno
Chief Whining Customer Care
Whine & Cheese Factory
Route 1 Box 1080
Back Through the Woods
Next to The Lake
Past the Old Oak Tree
Behind the Barn
Over the Bridge
Kentucky, Texas 99999 (zip code experimental)


Dear Mr. Bruno,


May I call you Bubba? I prefer first names only.
I used to have a last name, but I can?t remember
it right now.

I would very much like to ?.
Well, I need to?
?????

Oh yeah! I need to voice a complaint. It?s about
this dang bird I bought! It?s noisy, it passes
gas in front of the company, it cusses at my wife
when she cooks breakfast in the morning, and the
darn thing cain?t even fly! You cain?t shoot a
bird lessin it can fly! And, that?s just what I?d
do if?n I wasn?t such a upstandin? citizen and all.

So, Bubba? (That?s my son?s middle name.) I just
need to return this bird, and get my money back.
You?ll find him in this envelope.


Sincerely,

George

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Leave Your Message in the Tin Can by the big Oak Tree.
Red House, Mississippi

Dear George,

Well, I guess you kin call me Bubba if you like, however, Bubba might git mad for using his name. It’d be a mite confusing if we had two Bubba here at the company. We do try to limit our Bubbas to jest one since we probably got 15 or 20 in the community. I mean, Red House’s got over 50 residents and, well, I think you git the picture.

Ther’s another problem with yor letter. I am surprise it got here a tall. I mean, you tried to send it to Kentucky, Texas. Not only is that not our address, but Kentucky is not in Texas. It’s in Missouri. I thank. But, that’s not our problem, that’s Missouri’s problem. Jest address yor letter to us at the company, c/o General Delivery @ Harley’s Texaco, Red House, Mississippi 32. Our zip code is also our telephone number. Now, if you want to send us an email, just leave it in the tin can by the big Oak tree round back o’ Harley’s Texaco. Bubba checks the can ever’ morning and brang it in.

Ther wudn’t nothin’ in thu envelop. Well, yor letter wus ther, but no bird, only some bird droppins. I guess the bird done flew the envelop. Are you sure it wuz a bird. From yor letter, I’m a thanking it mite of been sumpin else. A man one time traded Bubba a dog for a pocket knife. Man was that a fine pocket knife. Bubba won it at the fare one year a throwing pennies in cups. Had a picture o’ Hopalong Cassidy on it with his horse, Hoppy. And Bubba traded it fer this dog. He were a yeller dog with no tail. Had a long nose and walk kinda funny. Bubba thought maybe he be a good squirrel dog, but turned out he had a mean temper. He’s bite you in a heartbeat and had big ole teeth. Mite near took Bubba’s arm off and that’s when he got suspicious. Turned out that doggone dog wudn’t a dog. He wus a alleygater with his tail cut off. That man what traded him, done cut his tail off and made gumbo, then painted ‘em yeller and traded ‘em to Bubba.

So, this here bird, he ain’t got big teeth and a long beak dooey? Whatever, I can’t hep you with yore bird. We don’t do birds, except chicken and we fry them. SO, you know what to do? Yep, just order plenty of our Christmas Gifts Packs and drown your troubles in cheese and whine.

Whinningly yours,
Jim Whinnery, Chief Head-Chief Whiner.


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Honorable Mention
Pristina

36. I want my RC dangit!

Dear Mr. Jim Bob,

I am so mad at cha, it makes my rear hole wanna dip snuff. Now looky here, I don’t have much muney on acout uh my Pa’s in prison an I gotta feed my 6 bruthrs an sistrs. Ya see, Pa wuz tha Grand Wizzerd of the Bloomer, Arkinsaw branch of the KKK, and his wife jest up and ran off with that colored boy who takes care of Mayor C Ray’s bran spankin’ new 1989 Towncar. My pa, well, he wuz so upset, he took his 30-30 an plum blew holes in ‘em like they was each a 10 point buck. I gotta tell ya, Mr. Jim Bob, I hadta sell my best hub caps ta pay fer your Gift Pack, an I don’t like yer tryin’ ta pull one over on me. I mean, I got 4 littlins of my own, an I’m fixin ta be 19, so I’m not a youngin’ anymor. I ordered a big two liter bottle of RC cola withit, an whut I got insted wuz that cheep Sam’s Cola frum Wal Marts. I din’t jest fall offa tha hay bale truck sir. I kin tell the difrence. That RC is high doller stuff. Now Mr. Jim Bob, ya do rite by me, an send along a nice bottle of yer finist RC cola an meybe I’ll send ya one a my favrite hub caps.

Sinserly,
Sissy Beth Boyd

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Leave Your Message in the Tin Can by the big Oak Tree.
Red House, Mississippi

Dear Sissy Boy Beth,

Now, that a unique name for a gal. I guess yor papa wanted a boy, didn’t he? I best caution you that we do have our lady folks what reads these here letters, so keep ‘em clean. Sumthymes Irmalene, she’s my wife, reads these letters and I don’t want her ears to be offended when she read some them words.

Yor Paw sounds like a rite nice man, jest got a little off on the wrong way, looks like. He got much time tu serve, dooey?

Bout you sellin them hubcaps. Them hubcaps don’t do nothing but shine, if you wash ‘em, but ‘at cheese, it be good fer a long time. So yu done rite by sellin them thangs. Enyway, they jest sissify yor truck and hit look a heap better without them shinning thangs.

Do yu know thu name of this here company? It is The Whine and Cheese Company, Inc. It ain’t The RC & Cheese Company, Inc. Whut you got wuz one of two thangs. Sometimes, Bubba, he ain’t right, bless his heart (see "The Southern Tongue" for clearification on that term}, so sometimes he try to make duh customer happy and send stuff we don’t make. Like yor order. Maybe had some of Sam’s cola left from a party and he just throw it in free. Sometimes, when we run out o whine, he make up some in the bathtub and he put it in two-liter cola bottles. If a’ter you drank some of his stuff, if yor leg goes to twitching or jerking, go see yor family doctor real quick and be shor you por out all the rest o’ that bottle.

I don’t know if they still make RC any more. I don’t see none in the stor here enymore.

You raise the question about our cheese won’t serve 11 people. Well I got a suggestion for you. You kin farm out them yard youngans to the relatives so you have less mouths at yo house or yu can buy more Cheese. Why don’t yu jest order a case and we send that soon as we git yor check, munny ord’r or cash. We doan eccept stamps, script or eggs and barter. When we git your check, we will cash it. We be looking for yor order, so don’t come see you, just send that order in.

Whinningly yours
Jim Whinnery, Chief Whiner


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Honorable Mention
Chaos Master

19. Commercials don’t ad up

You know what I really despise with a passion? Those Round Table commericals. They come up with these "Pizza Talk" chumps who declare that they give a pizza "two hands on the belly", which I always take to mean that you are queezy and probably wish that you never ate what you just did. Then they get rid of them and give us a NEW guy, a guy who's fake accent is more annoying to hear than the earlier guy with the quasi-Marge Simpson voice ("I didn't know you could GIVE a bonus slice!"). And while I'm talking about commercials, what's with Gatorade? How did they decide that it is appetising to portray their drink oozing out of the body as blood, sweat, or tears? Yum! Let's buy that! And speaking of showing off drinks the wrong way, who wants to drink something that's "kind of like" plunging from a great hight into dangerously cold arctic water? What's the logic behind this?

Chaos Master

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Leave Your Message in the Tin Can by the big Oak Tree.
Red House, Mississippi

Dear Chaos Master,

Well, Chaos Master, you certainly live up to your name. Got a lot of time on your hands, huh? Just where do you view these commercials? We don’t get them on our TV here in the fair city of Red House. You see, Harley don’t have cable in his Texaco, but he does have cable on the wrecker truck. That’s a Filling Station joke. We did have a antenna on the roof, till that little wind storm blowed it over and now we just got a coathanger screwed onto the TV set. It ain’t the best, but it does get the farm report and the Hog Futures. By the way, I noticed yesterday that pork is up in your neck of the woods. Maybe that’s what’s doing them pizzas in.

You got round tables? I ain’t knowed anybody with one o’ them ‘cept King Arthur. I read about him. Do you thank he still got it? I shore would like to see that thang. Harley decided he gonna turn his square table into one of them octagonal tables and sawed off the corners. When he got through he didn’t have no legs on it cause the legs was nailed to the corner. So, now he don’t have no table. He nail two coke cases together and put a board across the top and has TV trays. “Cept he don’t have no TV now.

Sounds like them guys you talking about are real pains. And that Japanese lady sounds like a dork. First, I though maybe it was yore aunt or something like that, but then when I looked at the name it gave it away about her being Japanese, but married to an American. You know, Quasi-marge Simpson.

That Gatoraide is a southern product, so it must be good. Just buy a few of our Christmas Gift Packs and wash ‘em down with that Gatoraide and I thank you’ll like it. Buy a whole bunch of them Gift Packs cause you kin keep them with or without refrigeration. Don’t mind the smell, they still be OK. I fed one to my ole dawg, Brummy, he kinda hack around fer a bit, but he OK now.

Whinningly yours,
Jim Whinnery, Head Chief Whiner


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Honorable Mention
Kathy with a K

20. Here’s one for ya!

I am so sick of people that don't know how to drive! Am I the only person in America with somewhere to be? I think we should all be allowed to carry those little paint ball guns and when someone starts acting stupid on the road we should be able to just blast them! That way we release our anger and they have to drive around with what amounts to a sign plastered on their vehicle that says, "I can't drive!" Nobody gets hurt that way! My nerves can't take much more! There has to be something we can do to stop the nondrivers that are cluttering our streets!

Kathy

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Leave Your Message in the Tin Can by the big Oak Tree.
Red House, Mississippi

Dear Kathy,

I have to say I agree with you about what you said. Well, most…or some of it. That’s terrible about folks what don’t know how to drive. I learnt how to drive when I was four years old. Daddy would put me on his knee and I’d drive while he gassed and clutched the car.

You asked, “Am I the only person in America with somewhere to be?” Probably so cause about half are in a car a driving around and t’other half be setting if front of the TV a watching CNN or Who Wants Tu Be A Millionaire.

Now, I’m a little confused about the “Paint Ball Guns.” I don’t know that I heard about them. We got spray guns, deer hunting guns, grease guns, air guns, and a whole bunch of Gunns in that Fred and Ethel Gunn family, but what is a paint ball gun? Is it to paint balls with? Our only balls are footballs, basketballs and baseballs and they already painted. I can’t give good advice if I don’t know what you a talking about, so can you hep me out on that one?

You said that “nobody gets hurt,” well I disagree. If you go plastering their car, how they gonna see out the window? That could be dangerous and they mite run over somebody.

Finally, you said we need to “stop the nondrivers.” You had a typo, but I still knowed what you mean cause you meant to say Nun drivers? I know, some of them Sisters do stay in the convent a lot and don’t get to practice their driving very much, but stop all of them! I spoke with Sister Mary Frances about your complaint and she said you must be a Baptist or Methodist and just a little prejudiced against their order. And she did promise to not let Sister Mary Shirley Muldowney drive again.

So, why not chill out with a couple of our Christmas Gift Packs. Share them with friends, they will fill all your gift giving needs for the holiday season.

Whinningly Yours
Jim Whinnery, Head Chief Whiner


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Big Thank You to our judges

gailey

jitters1016

lizpeake

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OUR FAMILY CHRISTMAS LETTER

To all our friends and customers at The Whine & Cheese Company, Inc.

We jest wanted to let chew kno whut wuz happenin in our family in 2001.

This here been a wonderful yeur. We's all healthy and t'gether fer anuther yeur fer Chris'mas and tu look toward a new yeur.

Fer the 22nd yeur, we didn't move tu a new hous. Yep, we still in our honeymoon cottage what Jim bought when we wuz mahried. But, we doin good, all 16 of us.

Jim, he left his old job. He wuz a Can Han'ler/Traffic Waver fer thu Gates & Assocites Solid Salvege (G.A.S.S.). That mean he git tuh hang on the driver side o' thu truck and when a car git b'hind the truck, he hang out and wave 'em on around.

But now he start The Whine & Cheese Company, Inc, with his best frind and cusin, Bubba. They done renovate ('at mean they painted the walls, maw) the storeroom b'hind Harley's Texaco fer duh company.

Paulene, she our oldest and she jest turnt 22 on our weddin anniversery. She thank she gon graduate this yeur. She thought that last yeur, but she didn't quite make it. She hav trouble wit her Englush class. I doan know why she hav 'at problum; I hep her ever'nite. But Aunt Fannie Mae say she doin real good and we keep our fangers crossed.

Raylene, she wus caller number 9 this year on thu radio show and got tuh talk tu John Boy. He call her "Baby Doll." And this yeur she decide tuh be a shampoo girl instead of a graduate. Miss Ludie Farkward, what owns Miss Ludie's Coffitures, she done hir'd Raylene and give her training 'bout hare and shampoo. Maybe they be a wedding bell fore too long, cause I thank her and Bubba gone tie the knot fore long.

Ethyllene, she our pride and joy. She done pick duh luck number down at A.B. Smith General Groceries and Merchandise and won thu mantle clock with thu horse on it. Hit shor do look purty on the shelf Jim put up.

Saylene, she increase our family with a bouncin new grandson. She haf tu interrupt her school work, but she be back in duh ninth grade next yeur a'ter she wean duh baby. He a rite fine lit'le boy and his head be a little whop-sided, but Doc Falderwing say he grow out'n nat. He also say that epididle spray, take 'at hare rite off'n his face. He a fine lit'le boy and look like his grandpaw, but he faver me, too.

Matthew, Mark and Luke doing good in thair's school. Mark and Luke done caught up wit Matthew this year in thu fourth grade. Matthew is thu biggest one in his class. He already got dat fazeke like his paw and I don't thank he drank 'at beer yet.

We welcome John Boy back home this yeur. This our John Boy, not thu John Boy on thu radio show. He finish his training at thu Columbia Trainin School and thu judge parole 'im back tu us. We happy he back with us and a fixin tuh go back tuh school in thu sec'nd grade here at thu Red House Consolidated Schoolhouse. Aunt Fannie Mae, she happy he back cause he one o' her best students til he set far to thu outhouse. But she didn't git burnt too much and Burnelle buy her a new dress tu replace 'at one what got burnt a little.

The twins are jest fine. They a growing and looking more like each other ever'day. Jim can't tell which is who. He finally use a magic marker and write a "O" on O'Ranjello's neck and a "L" on LeMonjello so he know who is which one. That hep a lot cause they give me grief, too. I go tu thu bedroom and one in the bed and I say, "O'Ranjello, where yor sister?" And she say, "She in duh bathroom." So I go down thair and she not thur. So I come back and say, "O'Ranjello." And she say, "I'm LeMonjello." So, I say, "LeMonjello, whur yore sister?" And she say, "Well, I jest got back from the bathroom and she gone thur." So I go tu thu bathroom and she not thur and I come back and say, "LeMonjello." And she say, "I ain't LeMonjello, I'm O'Ranjello." I thank them two trying to pull sumpin on me. But, the magic marker hep a lot.

Then, the little boys, Peter, Demas, Pilate and Judas. They so sweet; we give all our boys Bible names. Peter, he start school next yeur. This yeur he in thu Red House Pre-Schoolhouse program. He go haf a day and he can beat up all them udder lit'le chil'ern. Miss Fannie Mae say she gonna throw him in with thu high school next year. Demas and Pilate, they start pre-school next year and I thank Miss Smoot say she hate tu do it, but she gonna haf tu retire fore she hav anuther one o our youngans. Judas, he duh sweet one, cause he only 8 months old, but Burnelle say just wait for New Years and he be startin tu walk.

Jim, he duh champean of ever'thang here in Red House. At thu big fourth of July barbeque, he won thu Beer drankin contest, thu bean eatin contest, thu pig rasselin contest. After thu bean eatin contest, all thu men folks go out b'hind thu barn fer that udder contest. Jim won 'at one, too. A'ter that, the bullfrogs quit hollering in thu bottom. I guess they thank the big frog done a'rived. I thank Jim done set a new world record.

Now what 'bout me and Jim? Well, we gonna hav a baby!!! That's right, we expecting little Mablene or Jim, Jr. Doc say he be born one month before Judas' 1st birthday. Course, 'at means Jim, Sr. gonna haf tu git tu werkin makin and sellin 'at cheese cause we gonna have one more mouth tu feed. So ya'll send dem order in fer 'at good ole Whine and Cheese gift packs (Smile).

This year we gonna all gather round the dinner table and hav us a big Christmas dinner, cause John Boy done got us a live turkey real cheap. I thank he won it or sum'body give it to 'im. So this year we real happy he home from nat training school. He a fine boy.

Merry Christmas, and ya'll come to see us sumtimes. Jim, Irmalene, Paulene, Raylene, Ethyllene, Saylene, O'Ranjello, LeMonjello, Matthew, Mark, Luke, John Boy, Peter, Demas, Pilate and Judas


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THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC
Jim Whinnery, Head Whiner

Some folks has ben askin why our company is shuttin down and a goin outa business. Well, you kin read fer yursef the story in the Red House News.

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
CLOSED BY THE BOARD OF HEALTH
The Red House News
by Bubba J. Whinnery

RED HOUSE - The Whine & Cheese Company, Inc. has been shut down by the board of health. In a surprize move, the director of the Red House Board of Health, Jimbo Whinnery, issued the following statement: Due to numerous and flaggrant violations to the health code of the town of Red House, Mississippi, and to the health threats they pose, I had no options but to close The Whine & Cheese Company, Inc. indefinitely. We hope they can correct the violations and restore the company to the healthy status it enjoyed when it first opened (with one additional owner). This action, taken by my department, has no connection to the long dispute I have had with the owners, who are my cousins, that I was cheated out of a share of the company. Instead, I wish them good luck in correcting the violations and am willing to assist them in re-opening our company.

Jimbo Whinnery.