THE BIG CLEAN-UP

DAILY REPORT 5/01/02
NY STATE POLICE – CLAVERACK

13:45: Responded to call from post office personnel in V______. House on M___ Road has not taken in mail for two days. Car outside, dog barks at window but no sign of life. Found sliding door on deck unlocked, dusted frame for prints, entered. Strong odor evident. Let dog out front door and opened windows. Traced smell to bathroom where short WM, late fifties, fully-dressed, was slumped over bathtub, head inside tub. DOA. Called for assistance.

Medical examiner suggested Sunday 4/28 as time of death; suspected cause: asphyxiation following small explosion in bathtub.

Cased the joint. Found “To Do” list with two items:

1. Write mystery for contest.
2. Clean filthy place!

On wall found piece of paper with woman’s name and phone numbers. Not a “518” number. Chief suspect? Motive? Referred suspected perp’s number to local police, H_______K, New Jersey.

J. leStrade, Inspector
NY State Police

DAILY REPORT – 5/01/02
H_______K POLICE DEPARTMENT

19:10: Referral from NYSP, Claverack. Interviewed suspected perp “PN” at her apartment. Present: Sgt. Ala Berns and self. Suspect nervous, large hands. Choke victim? Suspect denied being anywhere near Valatie on day in question. Alibi: writing stories of grandchildren for on-line site. Claimed victim was best friend and had no reason to eliminate him.

Examined her hard drive. Found email stash from victim. Very suggestive, suspect wrote of ‘sugar daddy’. Berns read her Miranda warning. Suspect spewed profanity at Berns and pointed to email from victim that she received on 28th.

“Good Morning!
         “As I looked around me just now, I became aware that my house is dirty. Make that FILTHY. Dust bunnies, little mites and dead leaves are strewn about, and cobwebs rule on high. The bathroom truly looks like that British slang word for it: the Bog.

         “The bathtub offends my senses. I’m trying to decide if this is because I have cleaned my glasses for the first time in three days, or because it has been almost three months since I scrubbed it. I am ashamed you put up with it last month.

“RESOLVED: I can no longer live in this disgusting house.

         “Gathered my bucket, scrub brush, sponge, scratchy pad and rags and reached into the cabinet under the sink for the cleaning liquids. I found a tiny amount of a detergent in one bottle. Everything else is in pump spray containers, the kind with a clear tube that runs from the nozzle to the bottom of the plastic bottle. In each, the level is less than twenty percent full. I pulled the trigger on the first, but nothing came out. Ten to fifteen squeezes produced only a lot of air. I unscrewed the assembly, blew air into the tube, put it back together and tried again unsuccessfully.

         “I got the same result whether I am tried the window cleaner, the tub and tile cleaner, the shower cleaner, the soap scum and bathroom cleaner, the 'eliminates odor on fabrics' spray, or the hand sanitizing soap, which has an up and down pump. I began to realize that either I have run into some Archimedian principle about drawing liquid uphill, or I have stumbled upon the dark secret of the detergent industry: you can never use the last bit of liquid in the bottle unless you pour it out.

         “THAT GAVE ME AN IDEA! What if I poured all of these substances into the largest of the spray bottles? Wouldn't that produce a miracle cleaner that would also get rid of odors and sanitize my hands? And, when its level became too low to produce more spray, the remainder could be poured down the drain to unclog it. I am a GENIUS!

         “I have emptied Purell, Febreze, Lysol Basin Cleaner, Tilex Soap Scum cleaner and Clean Shower into the clear Tilex Shower Cleaner bottle. I notice I have a little bit of Sprite, peroxide and rubbing alcohol. I wonder what these will do. Remember “The Bride of Frankenstein?” Drs. Praetorius and Frankenstein would be proud of me. I can hear them egging me on to spray the entire house. I am going to start with the bathroom.”

The suspect then produced a second email written twenty minutes later:

“Dear P:
         Here’s another dispatch from the cleanup front. A memory crawled out of my brain. There was a newspaper clipping several years ago of a man who mixed up something to unclog his drain. They found him several days later. The chemical reaction had produced vapors that killed him. Don’t worry! I’m smarter than he was. I will smoke the cigar a client gave me and which I was saving, like that bottle of wine, for a special occasion.”

Suspect pointed to her reply:

“FOR GOD SAKES, DAVID, Don’t try it! I tried to call you but your line was busy.”

Suspect had saved his answer.

“Dear Ms. Worrywort:
         STOP WORRYING. At my age I have learned that the FORMULA FOR FAILURE is trying to please everybody. This concoction will work. I have attached the recipe. I know you do not believe in exact measurements, but this will give you the idea the next time we spill sauce on your lovely place mats. By the way, the cigar smells both heavenly and awful. I am heading in there now. Be back to you later.”

After I read email, Berns removed handcuffs from wrist of helpful citizen, who showed her gratitude by kicking Berns out the door and down the stairs. Believe NYSP can close this case now.

C. Chan, Inspector
H_______K PD