Analogies

ANALOGIES

         “Women are like jawbreakers. They start out hard, but the longer you work at it, the softer they get.”

         “No, they’re not,” rebutted Jake loudly and laughingly. “They’re nothing like jawbreakers.”

         "Yes they are,” Dan said, determined to defend his analogy even against someone like Jake, who was practically royalty as far as drama class was concerned. Cast in a lead in every show the department could come up with, Jake was full of a talent that almost matched his oversized ego. In fact, if there was a runoff competition for who was the most self-centered jack – excuse me – donkey on the planet, it would be stiff competition between Jake and Scott, his cousin. Whichever one won, the other would come in a close second place, serving as runner up in case for any reason the winner could not fulfill his duties as center of the universe. If Jake was a drama king, Scott was the prince who either didn’t believe or chose to ignore that he wasn’t king already. Jake had two months left before he graduated high school, leaving Scott as successor to his throne. Scott, who never for a moment thought he didn’t already have the drama throne, did not seem unduly excited.

         In the race for the queendom of the drama department, the loss of Julie to college would leave a vacant crown. I liked to think that there were three competitors for it: Mandy, a sweet, talented singer and dancer who, though a sophomore (like the rest of the succeeding drama royalty), had recently had a lead in a show; Catherine, who, though a talented alto, would win the female side of the Jake-Scott competition; and me, Allyssa, possessing all of the talent they had with a fraction of the experience. I firmly believed that if I had a shot Natalie Fields, our drama teacher and director, would keep herself awake at night wondering why I hadn’t been playing leads from my first day as a freshman. The fact of the matter was that Mandy and Catherine were alone in that competition, and the shot I dreamed of was not coming this year. I hoped to prove my chance to shine by directing with Gina, my best friend and fellow lowly drama peasant, in one of the student-directing slots available for the coming year. There were two openings and three submissions, two from future seniors and one from us, who would have another year to try again if we failed. However, Gina and I had spent long nights and I had nearly let my grades fall as we created and wrote our own play to direct. This fact kept my hopes up, although undoubtedly for no reason. In all likelihood we would wait another year for our opportunity, and by the time Natalie saw my talent, I’d be speaking at graduation. How very typical.

         Jake and Dan were still debating the merits of the jawbreaker metaphor when I added my two cents worth. “I’m actually mildly offended by it,” I said, but as usual no one heard me. Two more perfectly good pennies wasted. I wasn’t sure why I bothered anymore.

         It wasn’t that I was shy or quiet or uninteresting or even unattractive, though I was the first to admit that in the last department I could stand to lose a few pounds (fifteen, maybe twenty tops), but that I was simply unnoticed. It prevented me from getting lead roles or from joining conversations, even if and when I said perfectly reasonable, valid things. I didn’t flirt (I was horrible at it), I didn’t party (I was worried about questions my parents would ask that I couldn’t answer, and feeling embarrassed when I didn’t know), I didn’t do anything dangerous or illegal, and I didn’t date.

         Now let me elaborate for a moment on the dating part. It wasn’t like I refused to date or anything. I would have dated, gladly, if anyone with a pulse and an IQ were interested in me. Unfortunately for me, while the few guys who were interested in me had perfectly normal, beating hearts, they were lacking in the other category. In fact, mouthbreather Dan was one of them. In total maybe there were two. In all of my history. I say maybe because I had met Mr. Perfect and I had thought he was interested too until he changed schools. He lives two blocks away from my school and drives fifteen minutes across town instead. Go figure. So he was a possible third. And there might have been a fourth at a drama convention thing I had gone to, but I had known him for all of five minutes and I was sure that didn’t count.

         I came out of my reverie and noticed Jake walking away, still laughing from the inaccuracy of Dan’s simile. Dan had sat down next to me on the short brick wall in the quad, and I shifted, turning away from him slightly, trying to discourage him with subtle use of body language. However, Dan wasn’t subtle or discouraged. He continued talking, and Gina, who was sitting on the grass with her back to the quad, responded and kept the conversation functioning. I was starting to slip into thought again, perhaps never to return, when Adam crossed from the benches where the rest of our class sat talking and sat on my other side.

         Adam was enough to drive any girl into hysterics, and he had been known to do so on occasion. Though he wasn’t completely buff, he was well built, and he was at the perfect place where the solid lines of his muscles were only slightly blurred. His hair was gelled to perfection, and he had a smile that felt like laying out in the sun on a summer day. In addition to the perfection of his looks, he could be the sweetest, nicest, most wonderful guy that I had ever met. He was funny, he was sensitive, he was smart, he was a blast to hang around. He was also horny. But so what, he was seventeen, I could understand. All right, I admit, I saw only what I wanted to see. I neglected to notice that he hadn’t been Mr. Wonderful with his ex-girlfriend, Sara. Okay, he’d been a pig. But people change. And I knew what a sweetheart he could be.

         Adam sat down and greeted us with a short, collective, “Hello.” I smiled back and Gina and Dan responded in kind, only letting his presence be a short blip on the radar screen of their conversation. He joined in their chat about teachers they hated, and I tried to contribute, staying lively and interesting while Adam was there while still not sending any signals Dan’s direction. Fifteen minutes passed and the conversation twisted and turned until it ended up on the topic of the month: Prom. Adam and Dan, both juniors, would be going. So would Gina, because Harrison, her boyfriend of a year and a half, was also a junior. Which left me as the only one in the conversation who would not be at the biggest social event of the year. Figures.

         “Have you and Harry paid off your tickets with chocolate yet?” Adam wondered jokingly. Gina and Harrison were fund-raising the money to get to Prom selling chocolate bars.

         “Close,” Gina said hopefully. “Want to help?” She held up the box of chocolate and smiled. Adam agreed and took a dollar from his wallet. Dan purchased one too. I declined, thinking of the fifteen pounds. Gina settled the box away and began chatting about the limo they had reserved.

         “So it’s Harry and I and Mark and Brandy and Carl and Jen and you and –” She stopped, puzzlement rising in her demeanor. “Who are you taking, Adam?”

         “I don’t know yet,” he replied. My heart leapt fifteen feet and my smile grew for a second until I controlled it, not wanting to fall into the too-desperate category. “I still haven’t asked anyone.”

         “Shame. You’d better get on the ball,” Gina said, looking up at me. Our eyes met, and we both thought of the same thing – what a conundrum I was in. To my right sat Dan. He didn’t have a date, we were sure, because Catherine had just broken off their date a few days ago to go with someone else. And we knew he was just waiting for the right moment to ask me. And then there on my left was Adam. He didn’t have a date, and I would have gladly killed myself the morning after Prom if he would just take me. And just when he sits next to me and joins the conversation, what do we talk about? Prom. His timing was impeccable. But first, before I could truly make a move on Adam, I would have to throw Dan off the scent. Send take-me vibes to my left while sending I-don’t-really-want-to-go-anyway vibes to my right. Quite the predicament.

         “I don’t even know who I should ask,” Adam was saying. “I mean, I’d just assumed I would take Sara. I hadn’t thought we would break up like we did.”

         He didn’t seem too distraught. Anyway, I couldn’t get worked up into feeling sad because it had been a pretty good break for me.

         There was a few seconds of silence while we all collected our thoughts. The first one to get his together was Dan.

         “I don’t have a date either, after Catherine broke ours off.”

         “Don’t feel too bad, Dan,” Gina said. “She’s a horrible person. And besides, you can still go.”

         “Unlike me,” I sighed pointedly at Adam. “Unless I get a date I won’t be going.”

         Apparently I was doing a good job with the take-me signals because Adam opened his mouth and prepared to respond. I looked at him hopefully.

         “Dan,” he said, “why don’t you take Allyssa to the prom?”

         Okay, so maybe my signals were a bit fuzzy.

         Dan turned to me. “Allyssa,” he said, “what’s your middle name?”

         “Rachael.”

         Dan got off the wall and onto one knee. He took my hand and said, “Allyssa Rachael Collins, will you go with me to the prom?”

         I began to speak, hoping “no” would come out but thinking that “I don’t” would probably be in front of it when I heard a sound like laughter. Wait a second. It was laughter. And it was coming from Gina. Gina was laughing at me!

         Fortunately Dan heard it too and got up to chase her. Gina ran, and as soon as she had bated him sufficiently out of earshot, I turned to where Adam was sitting silent.

         “You are Satan,” I said.

         “Sorry,” he said. “I didn’t think he’d actually do it. Dan and I have this thing where we tell each other to do things and we don’t actually do them. Honest, I didn’t think he’d do it.”

         “No, it’s okay, you’re Satan,” I said. “God, Gina, what the hell are you doing?”

         Gina and Dan were still running around, Gina unable to control her laughter and Dan screaming at her to stop. In honor of the very little dignity I had remaining after that full-named nearly-a-proposal thing, I was still sitting and I wasn’t screaming. However, I was perfectly willing to make a fool out of myself by throwing an object when they passed by again. The only available object I could find was my right shoe, a red sandal with leopard print. So I took it off my foot and threw it at Gina.

         Now I am not an athletic person. I can’t throw worth anything. So it was hardly surprising when the shoe flew in her direction and promptly sailed directly between her legs.

         Gina laughed harder. I sent her a look begging her to stop and she sat on the grass, laughing, holding my shoe and looking at it as though it might any second tell her the secrets of the universe, or at least as though it had just told her the funniest joke she’d ever heard.

         It was then that my teacher, Mrs. Fields, actually walked by.

         “Hey,” she said. “This is a school. This is a class. So can we please, please keep the shoe throwing to a minimum?”

         We promised and she left. Gina handed me back my shoe with an unchecked giggle and I put it back on before I was tempted to bean her over the head with it.

         “So,” Dan said, “what do you say? Will you go with me to Prom?”

         “Um, Dan,” I said, unsure of myself. I wasn’t going to lie to him. He was a good friend, but it had to be over. I couldn’t keep being uncomfortable around him, and I couldn’t lead him on for a ticket to Prom. “We should probably talk about this in private.”

         “Why can’t we talk –”

         “Dan. Private. Please.” I stood and walked over to the benches to my right, in the opposite direction of where Jake and Julie were leading the class court in paying the proper homage. Dan followed me. Gina and Adam looked after us before turning back to their conversation. I let Dan pass me and turned back to Adam.

         “You’re Satan.”

         “I’m sorry.”

         I grimaced. Adam shrugged. Gina laughed.

         I went to where Dan was waiting for me to give him an answer to a question I had really been hoping I wouldn’t be asked, or at least not by him. I sat on the bench he had chosen, taking the far left, as far from him as possible. He had his arm draped over the back of the bench, but I shifted so that it avoided me. “Dan,” I began, not really knowing where to begin, “I’ve been meaning to talk to you about this for a long time.”

         “What is it?”

         I breathed out deeply and stared at my hands as they writhed together in my lap. I could feel Dan watching me intently, but I couldn’t bring myself to meet his gaze. “I can’t go with you to Prom.”

         “What’s the problem?”

         “Dan, I realize you like me, and that you have for a while. But it needs to stop. I really value our friendship, and it means a lot to me that you understand what I’m telling you.”

         “You don’t like me.”

         “No, I don’t.” The words were harsh, and I realized it immediately after I had said them. Even so, there was no amount of wishing in my heart that would make me take them back. “Look, all I mean to say is that I cherish your friendship very much and I don’t feel any other way about you. I hate being uncomfortable because I think you may be reading something into a situation that shouldn’t be there. I avoid being alone with you. This is not how friends behave.”

         “I suppose not.”

         “You have to stop with the asking me to Prom and breakfast at the drama thing and hanging all over me and –”

         “I get it.”

         “Right. Sorry.”

         Dan just sat there next to me, thinking about what I had told him. Yes, I felt guilty. How could I not? I’d just killed a dream.

         “Look, maybe you just don’t understand me.”

         “I get it. You don’t like me.”

         “That’s not what I mean. I mean me, how I operate, what I like in a guy. Maybe the reason your jawbreaker metaphor offends me is that it doesn’t apply to me. Maybe I’m more of a – a –” I searched for an accurate description. “Maybe I’m like a gumball. You know. I might seem soft for a while but try to hard or too long and I get hard really hard.”

         “That’s not a good metaphor.”

         “Why not?”

         “Gumballs are hollow inside.”

         All the more reason it was a good metaphor. “You’re over-thinking this.”

         “But it’s a bad metaphor.”

         “Look, Dan, I don’t want to argue this with you. The point is you and I aren’t going to be an item at any point in time and I don’t want to do anything that will mislead you into thinking otherwise.”

         “Oh.”

         "Please understand I’m not trying to hurt you. I’ve tried being more subtle but the message just wasn’t coming through and I’m at the end of my rope.”

         “No, it’s okay.” Dan began unwrapping his candy bar, fidgeting in his lap without looking at me. “I understand.”

         “I’m sorry.”

         “No, please, it’s okay.” And he looked up at me and laughed. “Don’t worry about it.”

         “Good. Then we’re still friends, right?”

         “Of course.”

         “Good.”

         “Good.” Dan looked back in his lap at the wrapper. “I should go throw this out.”

         “Good idea.”

         “See you later,” he said, standing and walking back toward where the rest of the class sat on benches or stood around, rejoicing in the fact that class today was Conversation 101. I turned and watched Dan as he walked back to where Julie and Jake were holding court, pledging alliance with Mrs. Fields, whose role was almost like that of the Pope – supreme power in theory and yet not supreme over these two royals in practice. One could serve them both without feeling guilty for spreading loyalty too thin. Truthfully, Jake and Julie had power because Mrs. Fields let them. To them she was a bit more of a friend than a teacher. To everyone else she was – friendly and well-liked, but bemoaned because of the fact that she neglected to notice how she neglected to notice anyone else. Still a friend first, though.

         Dan approached the crowd and laughed, saying something about jawbreakers and how they could be cracked. I hoped he didn’t mean me. I had meant what I’d said. There would be no us. Ever. And I was sorry if he didn’t want to believe that, but there it was. How was I supposed to change the way I felt?

         I looked over at Gina. Her life was figured out. She stood away from everyone with Harrison, who had come from Chemistry to borrow a calculator. In the meantime, however, he talked and laughed with a girl he loved who loved him back. Kind of nice. Made me wish I could be like they were, so happy with only each other. I sighed and looked around at the class until Adam caught my eye.

         Adam...

         What was it about him? I knew it was more than his absolutely perfect looks. I knew it was more than the fact that every girl I knew got giggly and flirty when he was within 100 yards. I was sure it had something to do with wanting to walk over to where he was sitting and kiss him, just to see what happened. Just to see what his lips felt like pressed against mine. Just to see what his touch felt like in a moment like that. Just to see what he said when time resumed.

         I knew I wouldn’t do it. I wasn’t stupid like that.

         Who was I kidding? I wasn’t brave like that. I didn’t know what he would say or do and I would be embarrassed if he didn’t feel the same way I did. I wouldn’t want to be rejected or for the fantasy to end.

         Is this what Dan feels like? I wondered.

         I knew exactly what I wanted. I wanted a boyfriend who said nice things and thought of me and kissed me for no reason and held my hand. I wanted romance, passionate and pure, absolute falling in love. Like the movies. Like Gina and Harrison. Like my parents. It happened for everyone else. Why not me? Take Gina. What did she have that I didn’t have?

         Easy. If we were beverages, Gina would be soda. All bubbly and fun. And I’d be water. Plain. Cold. Sometimes you just want water but usually you take the soda.

         But the point was, I knew exactly the kind of things I wanted. And I knew that Adam wanted those things too. In another life. One day he wanted someone he could love. Today he wanted someone who satisfied quite different needs. And he was seventeen. I wasn’t going to deny him that. But it made it hard for me because that wasn’t me. I was not that girl. But I wanted to be his girl. It was so difficult.

         Adam was talking to Scott about something. I couldn’t hear their conversation, but he laughed, smiling that smile that even from this distance made my toes tingle and butterflies dance in my stomach. Adam looked my direction and in an instant, our eyes met and then released. Adam hardly noticed the momentary connection as his eyes made a sweep of the quad. I, on the other hand, felt the nanosecond had gone on all day until he had seen into my soul with his clear gray eyes.

         And I understood things about him I’d never realized before. I understood my attraction to him. There was a part of him to satisfy every part of me. The good girl and the bad girl. The romantic and the rebel. The innocent girl I was, and the dangerous girl I dreamed of becoming. He could offer me everything I wanted, everything I dreamed of, everything I could ever desire in anybody: companionship, love, passion.

         And I knew the problem. I listened to the angel on my shoulder and, though what the devil said sounded good, I rarely followed that advice. He knew that the angel on his shoulder made some good points but success and pleasure came so much easier when you did it the other way.

         He was seventeen, and he cared about pleasure now. I was sixteen, and I cared about love now. Next week, next month, next year, in five years, in ten, we might be on the same page. But today we wanted different things, different people, in our lives.

         And that was fine. He was off limits for now. Look but don’t touch. The part of me he wanted was a part of me I wasn’t ready for. He wanted danger and excitement. I was too quiet. And I couldn’t count on him to change in a week or a month or a year. But I could count on myself. Why was I so quiet? I asked myself. You’re sixteen. Lighten up. Now is the time for fun.

         I looked at Gina and Harrison again.

         And then I looked at Dan.

         And then I looked at Adam.

         So, I wasn’t going to Prom. There’d be other dances, other dates, in the future. Yes, I wanted to go. No, I didn’t want to go badly enough to change overnight to make Adam want to take me.

         If I was going to change it would be for me.

         Strike that. I wasn’t going to change. I was going to let the parts of me I’d never shown before exist in the real world. I was going to change my attitude. I didn’t need or want to change myself.

         And maybe in a week, or a month, or a year, I’d be on a different page and in more control, knowing better what I really wanted, today.

         And who knows? Maybe I’d even get it.