Mom.... MOM WAKE UP!

My mother was more than just my mom, she was my best friend, my confidant. She always made sure I had anything and everything I ever wanted. I know now that it came at a price, her doing without something she wanted or maybe needed, but she always did it. She was just that way.

Mom was one of those people that always had something nice to say and was always friendly. She was the kind of person you liked to be around and if she saw someone who looked like they were having a bad day she would always talk to them. She would always somehow make them feel better, have them smiling and laughing, forgetting about the bad day they were having, even if just for a moment. She was like sunshine you could be around.
She was my ray of light in a sometimes dark world.

Mom had certainly had trials in her life, first my dad died and then our house burned down and then my grandmother died, yet somehow mom got through it all. Then mom got sick, mom got really sick.

She almost died, I stayed with her day in and day out trying to make sure that everything that could be done was done. I owed her that much. She gave me life and was always so good to me.
Who am I kidding! I was selfish, I couldn't let her go so easily. I wasn't ready to have no mom at 30, no way! I was selfish and I did all I could to keep her with me so I could have her longer.

She got better, she still had a lot of problems but she got better. She was finally able to come home but physically she wasn't as well off and she needed someone to help care for her all the time. I moved into the house with her and my grandfather to take care of them.

No matter what happened to her, no matter how sick she was she never lost her way. She was always laughing and joking with the home health nurses and they loved her. They would come to see her long after they had been reassigned to other patients, just to see how she was and get some of that sunshine she passed on.

She was doing so much better, she told me how she planned to get back into better shape and get herself more physical again. We had even started to plan a trip. We never got to make that trip.
July 5, 2001

I will never forget that day. The worst day I ever had.

I hear a knock on my bedroom door, I roll over in bed and look at my alarm clock 8:28 am it says.
I get out of bed and walk to my door opening it to find my grandfather there looking very upset.
"PawPaw, are you okay?" I say concerned.
"I can't wake Fay up." he says flatly.

I bolt past him down the hallway to her room, I can see her laying on the bed before I get there. I know it's too late before I run through the threshold. I move beside her bed looking down at her. She looks peaceful, like she's asleep.

"Mom" I say.

"MOM" I scream.

"MOM WAKE UP!" I scream as I shake her.

Somehow I manage to scream out to call 911 and then I start CPR.
No response, it's too late. I touch her, she's cold. This is wrong, so wrong, my mom is always warm, always full of life, this is wrong!
No, no this is wrong! This must be a nightmare, has to be, she can't be gone. I sit beside her on the bed and hold her hand, crying harder than I have ever cried in my life, feeling my heart break into pieces.

"Mom"

"Mom"

"Mom, please wake up"

"Mom, please don't leave me"

My sunshine is gone. My best friend, my confidant, my mom, is gone.

I used to take for granted that my mom would be with me until I was older, I never dreamed that at 32 I would be without her. I took for granted so much about my mother. Her smiles, her love, her daily sacrifices for me. I miss her so much that sometimes it's hard to breathe because the emotion is so strong.

I sometimes hear a friend say something about their parent, a little spat or sometimes a big one and I think how lucky they are to still have them. Sometimes I tell them they shouldn't take them for granted like I did.

Mostly I just wish I could talk to my best friend everyday again. I wish I had told her how much I appreciated all she did. Told her I loved her more than I did and had hugged her a lot more often, just because. I wish I had told her Thank you for being my mom just once. Maybe this is a start.