The Middle Aged Man Who Could

Henry embarks on a great adventure on the rail lines of a child's amusement ride.

(This is the first short story I've EVER attempted to write so any suggestions or comments would be greatly appreciated :)> -BB)


“Freddie’s Fabulous Funpark!” hadn’t seemed fun nor fabulous up to this point for Henry and Myriel. A crudely made sign that rested on the side of the Interstate had proclaimed this to be the 12th, if not 11th, wonder of the world. So far, all that the couple had spotted were a few lame kid’s rides, a freak show, and of course, the rip off game booths with idiots yelling “STEP UP TOUGH GUY AND WIN THE PRETTY LIL’ LADY A PRIZE…ONLY A QUARTER A GAME OR THREE GAMES FOR A DOLLAR!!!” (sigh).

Henry did try his hand at some of the various games, the ones in which the nicest prizes you could win were plastic “Rulex” watches or stuffed Tweetie birds. Or (if you had mastered the highly skilled art of hurling a gutted baseball at a stack of metal milk jars) a goldfish who had a life expectancy of about seven and a half minutes (which some slack-jawed couples proudly carried around in a knotted bag as if they had won a bag of solid gold coins).

The “Ferocious Beasts of Hades” show consisted of nothing more than ordinarily docile animals that were “decorated” in the hopes of resembling man-eating creatures. A dog, part hound dog, part…beanbag chair, was standing underneath a warning sign proclaiming “Beware the Hellhound of Hattersfield!” and wearing an old pair of Halloween devil horns and would do nothing more than try to shake hands as one passed by. There was the hamster who roamed its cage with what appeared to be cardboard fangs that were ingeniously taped over its mouth (which it clawed at in apparent annoyance…the only thing closely resembling “ferocious”). Finally, “Farmer Macon’s Mad Cow” would plant a slobbering lick on any victim who was unfortunate enough to get within its reach (thus making the recipient very mad, and also making its title somewhat appropriate).

After walking through the animal house of horrors, the tent then opened up into a much larger section which consisted of the standard “human abnormalities” show. Chester the Strongman did look impressive lifting (according to the weights he hefted over his head) what had to be at least a bazillion pounds (give or take a ‘0’). Of course, Chester was also nearing 90 years old and kept setting the barbell on his foot (which would normally, as avid funhouse-goers would say, hurt “something fierce” but “’at Chester’s got bones’a steel!”—well, at least the locals believed it). Jimmy the “Half-Man, Half-Seal”…aka “Flipper Boy” had apparently lost part of his costume because his ‘flippers’ were nothing more than yellow dishwashing gloves with the fingers super-glued together. His favorite trick was to blow smoke rings at by passers’ heads while slapping his gloves together and barking.

The most interesting (and also saddest of the attractions) was the bearded lady. The ‘lady’ was no more of a woman than Henry and in fact (unbeknownst to visitors to the fun park) was also Freddie, the owner. It seems that the…ahem…REAL bearded lady, a man named Ralph Henderson, had quit roughly two weeks earlier claiming that he wanted to shave his beard and pursue a career in stuffing envelopes (at which he claimed he could make up to $500 a week doing). Without a chance to find another man willing to dress in women’s clothing, much less speak in a disturbingly crackly pitched tone, Freddie had to take it upon himself to temporarily fill in the vacant spot. After all, what good is a sideshow without a bearded lady?

Henry chuckled and was sure he had wasted ten hard earned dollars (the entrance fee and what was spent on the gaming booths) on a dead park when Myriel cooed “Oh honey, look at the cute little train ride”. Henry rubbed his eyes and stared in disbelief at the miniature steam engine. “It’s BEAUTIFUL” Henry exclaimed. “I wonder if I might be able to ride it”.

Henry had dreamed of being a train conductor all of his life. As a child he would wear his little blue and white striped conductor hat and shuffle around the house, blowing on a whistle that made the “CHOOOO-CHOOOOOOOOO” sound. His dream job as a tyke was to be in charge of a mighty steam engine…traveling through mountains and across deserts…fighting off bandits and bringing supplies to weary adventurers on the outskirts of the untamed west…

Well, most people outgrow their childhood fantasies, but at 42 years old, Henry still dreamed he could be a train conductor.

“Cornelius’s Choo-Choo” was surrounded by a handful of children who were dreaming of riding the steam engine around its’ miniature track. There was a little girl in a frilly dress eating an ice cream cone, a boy with a severe cowlick (no doubt from Macon’s MAD cow) and a set of twins. They had begged their parents for the money to ride but were told “that thang’s waaay too expensive” and “you’ll git yerself kilt on an old ride like that one…” (Not to mention that the operator, Cornelius, reeked of cheap liquor and was always three sheets to the wind).

As Henry approached the train Cornelius staggered up and said “whoa old-timer, whaddyathink you’re doin’?”

“I was hoping to take the train for a ride around the track.” Henry said and smiled.

Cornelius took a drunken double take and said “Man, yer ‘bout 30 years too old to be riding this here train. It’s wasn’t built to be ridden by anyone but children and this one here HAS seen better days”.

Henry produced a ten dollar bill from this wallet and said “Will this cover my ticket?”

Cornelius scrunched his face in deep concentration, calculating how much booze he could purchase with 10 dollars and said “make it fih-teen dollars and it’s a deal…” then added “…but if my boss sees ya, you tell’em I tried to stop ya!”.

Henry smiled as he handed over the money and Cornelius shrugged and drolly mumbled “well, alright……allahbord…”.

The train’s whistle blew and Henry said “CHOO-CHOOOOOO!” as ‘steam’ billowed from the smoke stack. Henry was immediately transported to another time when a train was the only way to get supplies from the ‘civilized’ part of the new world to the outskirts of the unexplored west. He smiled childishly as he pushed the throttle forward.

The year was 1863 and Henry was the conductor of a mighty steam engine. He was westward bound and knew that it was a dangerous and exciting place to be. There were bandits, cut-throats, and other various outlaws, not to mention the warring indian nations to worry about as he trekked onward.

Henry had just begun to enjoy the serenity of the ride when he first caught a glimpse of the bandit leader and heard him shout…

“ALL THE PRIZES YOU CAN CARRY FOR THE ONE WHO STOPS THAT TRAIN!!!”…
Four cut-throats immediately began closing in on the lead car.

Henry was busy trying to deduce how he would make it out of his current dilemma alive (and was he mistaken or was the bandit leader a man dressed up as a woman?) when a noise from behind startled him, causing him to whirl around. There…sneaking up on him…was a bandit brandishing a knife. The bandit LUNGED with the blade as Henry dodged to the right as he caught the bandit by the wrist. Henry grunted as the bandit grimaced and forced the dagger, ever so close, to Henry’s throat. The train jolted as Henry was able to pull the brake so that it threw the bandit off balance, disarming the assailant in the process and allowing him to violently plunge the weapon into the unfortunate bandit’s head. Staring in disbelief, tears welled up in the bandit’s eyes as Henry finished the move by throwing the now mortally wounded thief from the train.
“That’s ONE” thought Henry.

He barely had time to catch his breath when he was assaulted on the left and right by two more bandits. Henry ducked as the bandits threw wild punches, simultaneously connecting their fists with each others’ head. Taking advantage of the stunned bandits, Henry placed a hand over each of the bandits’ faces and deftly shoved them out of either side of the lead compartment. The bandits screamed as they tumbled off of the tracks, crashing through trees lining either side of the rail and landing in some bushes below.
“One more to go but where IS he???…” thought Henry but he was cut short by a devastating chokehold applied by the final bandit.

Henry twisted violently but couldn’t dislodge the attacker. He felt the strength leaving his weary body and his head throbbed from the “death grip” of this cut-throat. Just when he thought he would pass out the bandit screamed and Henry turned just in time to see Myrial toss the screeching bandit over the side of the train and down into a muck infested bog below.

“Myrial, my love, you shouldn’t be here, it’s not safe for you…”

His statement was cut short as the bandit leader (who was DEFINITELY a man dressed in women’s clothing) angrily switched the track and sent the train sailing towards a section of the railroad marked “CONDEMNED”. The bandit leader shouted “STOP THIS TRAIN OR OFF THE TRACKS YOU’LL GO!!!”.

Henry didn’t quite comprehend the seriousness of the situation that he and Myriel now found themselves in. That is, until he saw the empty section where the track used to be. That area of the track was supposed to run across a bridge spanning a raging river but that section had long ago rotted, leaving a gap over the falls. Seeing that the course they were now on would surely cause the train to jump the tracks, sending them both to their grave, Henry had a decision to make and very little time in which to make it. Would he stop the train and save not only his life but Myriel’s as well (yet placing them and the train at the mercy of the bandit leader?), or would they ride the train to the bottom, embracing each other until the end?...

Myriel seemed to be able to read Henry’s mind as they stared at each other and she gently placed her hand on his saying “I think you know what to do…”. Henry pushed the throttle to full speed and then wrapped his arms around his loving wife. The bandit leader screamed in disgust and outrage as the train careened off track…arcing slowly downward, in agonizingly slow motion…plunging into the icy water below…………………….

Henry and Myriel (now soaking wet from the knees down) laughed hysterically as they waded out of the dank stream that ran through “Cornelius’s Choo-Choo” track. The old steam engine became silent and Freddie (who had lost his wig and his wits by now) was jumping up and down shouting “MY TRAIN !!! MY TRAIN!!! WHAT WERE YOU JACKASSES THINKING?!!!”.

Cornelius, trying to save his own scalp, kept repeating “I tol’ him to stay off the train but the darn fool shoved me aside an’ went anyway”.

Behind them, a little boy quietly emerged from the muck pit, scrunching his nose as he peeled fermented leaves and bits of trash off of his body and glared at Henry and Myriel. The twins, who thought they would surely win all the prizes they could carry, picked briars out of their skin and clothing from where Henry had deposited them into the thorny patch as they tried to take over the train. And…farther back…at the first bend of the road where Henry was first attacked by the knife wielding bandit…a little girl in a frilly dress sat in the dirt, crying her eyes out…………….


………with her beloved ice cream cone sticking out of the top of her hair………