Walking Through Walls

"I just want to say, first of all, welcome to all of you newly deceased! This symposium will cover the following topics: walking through walls, visiting living family members, and how to avoid exorcism. Anyone looking for the speech on Heaven or that Other place, please go two doors down to the left, and the oratory on haunting has been postponed indefinitely, so keep checking the bulletin boards."

"Ok, now that everyone has had a chance to get to their respective lectures, let me say that this is a really great turnout. I see someone with a hand up in the back, you have a question for me?"

"Well, I just have to tell you, yes, you really are dead and if you weren't you wouldn't be here now. Yes, you here in the front, question?"

"Hush, hush everyone. No need to embarrass our newly dead. The answer is no, you are no longer bound by your earthly debts. Unless you were a lawyer, of course, in which case you need to step two doors down to your left, the Other place has an agency which will put you in touch with the After-Life Debt Union and assign you a counselor to assist you. Can you souls in the aisles make room for those attorneys to get through? Very good. Anyone else? You sir, go ahead."

"Well, as I see it, that would fall under the category of 'if-it-doesn't-kill-you-again' then I say go for it, but I must warn you, there's no such thing as death after death. Once you move on from here, that's it. Hah! Just kidding, just kidding."

"If no one has any further questions? Ok, if you will open the booklets to page one, we will begin. Did everyone get a booklet? Hold up your hands or float about a foot above the floor and someone will bring you one."

"Everyone on page one? Good, now on the subject of walking through walls, one must always remember not to hover IN them, but pass THROUGH them. I cannot stress this enough. There is nothing worse than getting stuck in a wall and having to wait a hundred years for someone to get tired of the moaning and groaning to knock the wall down and let you out. As you will all learn, the noises that the living refer to as 'settling' when it comes to houses is nothing more than their way of dealing with their fears of ghosts and other things they don't understand."

"As I was saying, the proper technique is to simply flutter, or float, straight through the wall. You will note diagram A on page two, showing the proper entry position, with the appropriate exit trajectory on diagram B. This may take a few years to perfect, but most will find that this exemplifies the easiest way through a wall. Are there any questions?"

"That's a very good question. For those of you in the rear that didn't hear the question, let me stress the situation. When you are passing through a wall, you aren't just passing through a wall, you are also experiencing everything that wall has experienced. For example, a wall made of wood was once a tree, which took many years to grow, and everything the tree felt, you will feel. The growing up, any animals which may have eaten parts of the tree will in effect be eating parts of you, you will experience the saws, the nails, everything. That is just the wood, plaster walls, now, those are something else. You will experience everything that went into the making of the plaster, and don't forget the paint. All those chemicals will be you, in effect, you will be the wall."

"As a side note, let me just stress that you must make sure you don't pass through any photographs as you may experience all the lives of those whose portraits you touch. That can be a real zinger, trust me. Are there any other questions about passing through walls?"

"Yes, paintings should be treated the same as photos, and really, everyone should beware those Picasso's and other abstracts. You may come out the other side with your nose above your ear and honestly, it takes centuries to get yourself back together again. Any other questions?"

"Um, no, there are no bathrooms here. You don't eat or drink anymore, so there really is no need of them. If you simply tell your mind that you really don't have to go, eventually you will believe in yourself and that's all there is to that. To my left, go ahead."

"Well, if it's something you really feel the need to do then by all means, slip through a wall and float through a plate of spaghetti or a bowl of soup, it will give you the same feeling as when you were living, trust me. But I should tell you that alcoholic beverages will not have the desired affects you're thinking of. Your form will simply become a puddle and drip through the floors of wherever you happen to be haunting and if you thought walls were something just wait until you become a floor, let me tell you! Anyone else?"

"Moving on to our next topic, visiting living family members, please turn to page three. You'll see that the big red x means you can't visit them. That is because they interacted with you while you were living. In fact, anyone you ever came in contact with while alive will not be able to see you, or hear you. However, here after death, we have a wonderful buddy system, just hook up with anyone on a list that you're not on and they can be your go between. Buddy lists are posted in the main lobby area, next to the Forums boards."

"Now, about exorcisms. Yes?"

"Well, no, that was just a piece of fictional art that wasn't very well depicted, you can't make people turn their heads all the way around. Really, who would want to when you would feel it too?"

"No, I'm afraid that's just a misconception, haunting a living soul does not make them possessed, and before anyone asks, there really are vampires and were-creatures and faeries etc. so be very careful who you pass through or you may end up a dead un-dead, which is really like being almost alive again and we already know how it feels to die, right? Right!"

"Another question here on my right?"

"Well, here on this side of death, they're just like you and me. You don't see a pair of wings on my back, but I can fly or float. If you look closely at the ghosts on your left and right, you will notice that there are no atypical skin pigmentations like you had in a physical body. Here, if you think blue, you're blue, if you feel purple-polka dot well, then you're purple polka dot."

"So, anything else?"

"Good question. We do have a wonderful phantom library which roams around and if you find time to visit I highly suggest it. You need not fear touching these books, for they are the future history of what is to come and since the events haven't yet occurred, you won't experience any of the problems you would with an Earth-bound book. It's also a great way to prepare for soon-to-be-dead friends and family members arrivals here and it's a good way to track future progeny as well."

"So, getting back to exorcisms. Try not to get caught in a body by a well-meaning priest or clerical person if you can avoid it! Not that they have any real 'power' over your soul or anything, but their rituals actually cause you to remain INSIDE the living body you're visiting and depending on how devout they are, you might remain there for a few decades! Ugh!"

"What was that? Speak up just a bit!"

"I'm afraid that subject will be posted on the board in the future, but I can tell you this, if you do that, yes you really will know when someone is faking it! That's all we have time for today everyone, now go out there and practice your walls!"

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see part 2

Taffy (part 2, Walking Through Walls)  (E) One problem with being a lawyer is that your soul will pay through eternities... #787911 by catty