A Modest Proposal

A Modest proposal for solving the problem of homelessness
in Britain’s towns and cities.

It is a sad fact that in these days we cannot walk down the streets in our towns and cities without seeing countless homeless people littering our shop doorways. Without a home, these people are unable to find jobs and cannot claim benefits, due to their lack of address. This lack of income means they find it impossible to gain a home and address of their own. Consequently, these people become trapped in an unrelenting downward spiral, forced to beg, borrow and steal what little they can, resulting in an increase of harassment, shoplifting, pick-pocketing and general crime in our noble country.

Should someone produce a suitable proposal for solving this somewhat large
problem, which by all accounts is growing by the day, it would be simple courtesy to reward him or her in some way.

However, my intention goes far beyond the usual method of managing this problem, just moving the homeless somewhere else. It is also far cheaper than re-housing them all.

I have become aware of the increasing popularity of horror-fantasy books and films and, in particular, vampire stories. My attention has also been drawn to the rising number of people recreating these stories in their real lives. In an attempt to become immortal they have been turning to vampire culture, sleeping through the days in coffins, and then waking at night, to wander the streets wearing black clothes and cloaks, searching out their beloved “creatures of the night”.

I fear, however, that although now these people only seem to appear as vampires, it can only be a matter of time before they turn to real vampire culture, in the killing and devouring of humans. Therefore, I propose that we prepare for this course of events, and steer the “vampires” in the direction of the homeless people on the high streets.

This would result in a lower rate of homelessness and would allow the “vampires” to feed on those people who, due to their homeless status, would most probably not be missed, thus preventing the “vampires” from attempting to hunt down valued members of the community, such as parents and politicians.

This course of action will result in solving two problems, the reduction of homeless people on our streets, and the feeding of “vampires” on unvalued members of the public. I feel this course of action would also result in the reduction of crime rates in Britain, due to the lowered amounts of homeless people needing to steal in order to survive.

However, if this course of action does not satisfactorily reduce the number of homeless people, due to the lack of willing “vampires” then it would become necessary to find another solution. This could be time consuming and expensive to the great British government and so I have arrived at a further solution for this too.
I propose that in the event of insubstantial reduction in the numbers of homeless people, we create a shop specifically for vampires. The government would, of course, take all profits from such an enterprise, hence can only gain from the venture. The food would be dehydrated, to allow for long-lasting stocks, and so in this way, the whole country can be rid of homeless people in one go.

Nonetheless, it does strike me that the opposite extreme may occur. I believe that it is possible that the easy and legal supply of human flesh and blood, would only serve to increase the popularity of vampirism, thus causing a lack of homeless people for the vampires to feed on, resulting in them turning to the afore mentioned valued members of the public. Should such an event occur I would suggest a system that would allow “vampires” access to prisoners serving a sentence in jail, from which they will never be released. This notion would also result in a further reduction of the number of prisoners serving long-term sentences in prison, again saving our country valuable spending money.

I have little doubt that Britain’s government can do anything but gain from these proposals, which serve to solve so many of the country’s increasing problems, and not just those that I have carefully outlined to you.

As well as reducing homelessness, it would; reduce the number of deaths of valued members of the public through vampirism; decrease unemployment through “vampire” food shops; decrease crime rates, thus resulting in less need for police and courts; decrease the need for new, larger prisons; and can only serve to increase the government’s funds and so reduce taxes.

I suggest that this proposal be considered seriously in view of these things, not only by you, the humble public, but also by the Prime Minister, the Queen and the Great British government.