And Other Means of Procrastinating

HOW TO AVOID WRITING: and other means of procrastinating
by THE CRITIC

Since the creation of the Editorial Board for redpaper, I have come to realize that redpaper has outgrown a need for THE CRITIC writing the "A READER's REFERENCE" articles that I use to spend most of my time and redbucks creating. So today while I sit in my favorite hideout, Bent Pages, having coffee and smoking (and yes, smoking is allowed inside) I was pondering just what the hell I was going to write and publish on redpaper. Knowing that this "piece of work" was going to be another one of my contributions to the archives of redpaper soon enough, I was still not discouraged. This original, like most of my other originals is written on Bent Pages napkins. I do that quite often and Bent Pages employees have not charged me even one cent extra to date. Bent Pages is actually a coffee shop and new, used, and old book bookstore combination. It is located in a fabulous old building in Houma, Louisiana on Barrow Street. As a matter of fact, their email address is: [e-mail], and I would suggest that you put "attention Molly" in the description of your email so that they won't think you are trying to sell them another bottle of Viagra. Molly personally informed me that she has all the Viagra that she could possibly use in this lifetime and the next. Bent Pages sells used, old and new books, usually offers a 30 percent discount on any new book purchase, and will be more than happy to furnish you with a quote at no charge, especially if you are tired of looking for that special hard to find book yourself.

Ever since I read the first Harry Potter book and learned all I could about the author, I have thought it was interesting to know where and how writers write, and find their inspirations. I consider myself to be a student of writing, and I personally like to sit among all the published books and pretend that someday several of mine could be found on the shelves. So after that part of this story, I delight in offering you, my dear reader, the sonnet that was inspired at my favorite hang-out and hide-out:



My days start with coffee and a cigarette

Whenever I rise; morning, noon, or night

Stumble to the pot, hoping it is still hot

Only then can I begin to write again



Sit at my keyboard, or with pad and pen

My mind is blank as I think what to write

This my gift as a literary slut

Dare I: fiction, nonfiction, poem or prose



Style, Form, Content, Slant and Theme - I swear

This only part of what a writer dare

Balance, proportion and pace - add disgrace

God, Grant me grace to succeed in this chase



Agents, Editors, publishers abound

Damn the torpedoes - I'll hound them till found



Now the bookstore/coffee shop, Bent Pages, provides me with a haven wherein I can write. When I find it difficult to bring a thought, or word to the page, all I have to do is look around to know that many others have traveled this path many times before me. I tell you this so that hopefully you too can find a way to justify your method of procrastination to yourself and others. Hopefully you are as lucky as I am, and have found a place that tolerates your presence, provides coffee and lets you smoke in the comfort of being indoors while surrounded by people that don't make you feel like you have leprosy. Hopefully any sanctuary that you find will ease the torment of writing that possesses you. May your suffering be bearable and productive.


So to procrastinate further, I offer "A WRITING LESSON: RULES of STYLE" for you to use as an excuse to procrastinate still:

What is STYLE? It is the way you write whatever it is that you write. It is not about content. Voltaire said, "Every style that is not boring is a good one."

Writing is an art form. There are always the "they's" and "them's" that feel it is necessary to make rules for those of us who are inclined to not know, not remember, or break the rules; intentionally or otherwise. Writing, unlike math, is not a science (thank God or I couldn't do it). Generally, I think it is basically important to know that there are Rules of Style regardless of rather you intend to apply the rules or not.



Rule Number ONE: Avoid wordiness: use simple, concrete, common words



Rule Number TWO: Show, don't tell: this is in direct conflict with rule number one, but "Show, don't tell" means paint a picture with your words. Example: Don't write, "Billy moved very slowly" when you can write, "Billy moved like a snail."



Rule Number Three: Use an Active Voice: do not write what is being done, paint the picture: Example: Passive voice: "The building was surrounded by the State and local police" instead use Active Voice: "State and local police surrounded the building" (I personally have a lot of trouble with this one)



Rule Number Four: Use Positive vs. Negative tone: do not tell the reader what is not there, tell the reader what is there: Example: Negative: "There were no lights in the house." Positive: "The house was only dimly lit by the light of the moon."



Rule Number Five: Be specific: Example: Non-specific "I got in a wreck on the way to the grocery store." Specific: "An 18 wheeler rammed my VW before I could get to the store."



Rule Number Six: Verbs are your friend, use strong descriptive verbs: Example: vague nondescript verbs: walk, cry, fall, and touch; Strong Verbs: stroll, wail, tumble, and nudge. (Here is where a good thesaurus comes in handy.)



Rule Number Seven: Do not try to write like someone else; in other words do not "COPY" another writer's style. Develop your own unique style. (Even though it has been said imitation is the highest form of praise, don't do it) Be yourself; style comes from who you are, not who you want to be.



And there are so many more Rules of Style concerning mundane things like: punctuation and grammar. Style to me is liken to a sense of understanding and perception. We don't always perceive everything quite the same way; therefore these "Rules of Style" should be applied within your understanding of your own writing ability.

How often have we heard someone say, "Rules are meant to be broken"?



Please don't take these "Rules of Style" any more serious than you feel like taking them.



I am an unpublished writer just procrastinating my way through this particular day.



So WRITE ON, and enjoy. Sincerely


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------