Another Blonde Moment

Written for the Writer’s Cramp:


{color:red}NEW PROMPT:

You have just created/discovered a fantastic weight-loss formula ... with one odd, but rather noticeable side effect. Write a COMEDY STORY about what that side effect is, and how you try to downplay it.

“Billy Bob, I have lost more weight.” Ann Nicole excitedly yelled from the master bath. No sooner than the words had passed her lips there was a big thud. Ann Nicole felt like she had just been body slammed against the wall.

“Ouch.” Then another resounding thud was heard. Anna Nicole quickly turned and sat on the toilet. “Ouch.” She repeated with an annoyed tone.

Billy Bob rolled over and pulled the soft feather coverlet over his head. All of Ann Nicole’s yelling and the accompanying banging had barely made him stir from his late night induced slumber. Ann Nicole was extremely proud of the fact that she had lost so much weight over the last 3 weeks. The new diet plan she had developed from a combination of exotic herbs, a limited assortment of all naturally grown organic fruits and vegetables, and limited quantities of grain alcohol was having the desired effect. She had lost just over 30 pounds in just as many weeks.

She strutted towards the kitchen to make a pot of coffee. She had learned to prepare steel-cut oatmeal that was imported from Ireland in a slow cooker. Actually it is usually called Irish porridge, but by the time she finished doctoring it up with some dried cranberries, cinnamon, and just a dash of fresh nutmeg the taste was phenomenally different than a mere simple porridge. Breakfast was the one real delightful meal allowed on her new diet plan.

Ann Nicole carefully sat in an oversized wooden chair at the dinning room table, and called out loud enough for the neighbors to hear, “Billy Bob, will you get up and come in here and have a cup of coffee with me.”

“I will if you promise to stop all that hollering, honey bun face.” Billy hollered back as he sluggishly maneuvered down the hall to the dinning room.

Ann Nicole proudly sat a bowl of the over night oatmeal in front of him, “What is this? I ain’t on no diet.” Billy whined.

Ann Nicole rushed to take her seat before she replied, “I know honey, but it is good, and good for you.” Then she stood and walked towards the kitchen to serve herself some oatmeal. As she passed by the telephone hanging innocently on the wall, it began to ring. Naturally, Ann answered it.

“Hello.” She said cheerfully, and as soon as the sound of her greeting left her mouth she was flung half way across the room and smashed into the china cabinet. The phone was still in her hand with the dangling cord providing the visual evidence it had been suddenly ripped from its base. Ann’s body lay crumpled on the floor. She was near tears from the pain and aggravation. Billy Bob was laughing hysterically, “Will you please tell me again about how this bowl of sticky, gooey stuff is good for me.” Billy was laughing so hard his words were somewhat mumbled. Ann dragged herself to the chair, pulled herself up, and sat down.

“This is not funny, Billy Bob. I am black and blue all over.” Ann managed to choke out the words between the sobs.

“Yes, it is funny, darling. Your new diet plan obviously works wonders, there is just one small glitch you need to work out before going public.” Billy said all the while trying to whole back more hysterical laughter.

“Oh, yea! What glitch is that Mr. Smarty Pants?” Ann glared at Billy Bob waiting for his answer, waiting to pounce on him like a tiger pounces on a piece of raw meat.

Billy Bob looked at Ann Nicole like he did not recognize her. “Honey, don’t tell me that you have not noticed that every time you utter a sound from a standing position that you appear to be flung by some sort of force of nature into wall, and cabinets?”

“Well, yea I noticed, but you never said anything. For the last two weeks I have been banging into walls every time I open my mouth. Now we need a new telephone. I think it is getting worse.” Ann said pitifully.

“”Well if you ask me I think that batch of grain alcohol you been brewing in the garage, combined with some of those extra extraordinary out of this world type weird herbs are having a really strange effect on you. That is what I think if you were to ask me.” Billy stated emphatically.

“But I look really good, Billy. Don’t I?” Ann said in a defeated tone.

Billy gently put one hand on each side of Ann beautiful face, looked deep and lovingly into Ann’s big innocent sometimes blue, sometimes green eyes, and said, “Are we having another blonde moment, Hon?”

“Oh Billy Bob, nobody understands me the way you do. I thought I was really sick. I thought I could possibly be dieing. I took your silence to mean that there was no hope. It was the end.” Ann fell into Billy’s arms weeping uncontrollably.

Billy Bob in the most consoling, sincere voice he could muster under the circumstances said, “Here is what we can do Ann Nicole. We will just climb back into that big old king size bed of ours; you won’t take any more of that witches brew stuff you been cooking up, and in a few days or so I will line a wall with our mattress and see if you are cured.”

“Okay, Billy Bob.” Ann said softly.

“It is a tough life, dear, but I really do love blondes.” Billy Bob said with that evil boyish grin he gets on his face when he is up to absolutely no good.

Just as Billy Bob entered their master suite Ann Nicole asked, “Do you really think this happened because I am a blonde? Maybe I could dye my hair.”


(Word count: 1,017)