Give Me Just A Glimmer

Let me describe for you what this is like…because I think that if I am unable to put it into words, then I fear it will consume me alive. My body hurts and that pain is physical and emotional. I can’t believe that I’ve even started to count the times I’ve grasped my head in my hands in a vital attempt to keep it together, keep it from exploding between my fingertips. It throbs inside me – this ache.
The knowledge that I could be half savior, half coward, plagues me. It robs me of my appetite, my sense of humor, and at my lowest moments, my decency. The shame coats me with a heavy and deliberate pallor.
Both the laughter and the tears are of equal parts, the most sincere and heartfelt in my life. Love and rage have merged into one nameless beast that roams and crawls beneath my skin and nests in my gut.
I have become an opportunitist of extremes. I forced you into a corner today. I forced us into a space that was painful and awkward to fill. I asked you for a solution you could never give me. I offered you a prize you could never claim. I sinned against you as a friend.
I wonder where you are now – what you are doing and who or what you are using to forget my face, my touch – my words which may have brought more havoc than comfort in a time when you had such deeper needs. I fight the urge daily to make you promises that I cannot be sure I can keep. My lips want to lie so that you take up the fight against yourself, for yourself. Maybe I am so egotistical as to believe if I made it about me, you would be willing to change your life?