Faith

On Christmas morning, Tom and Will sat in the back of the Church. It was Tom's idea; they had never been to Church in all the years they'd been together. But Tom wanted to go.

The urge had been brought on by one of his kids this past week. He's set up a group for the troubled kids that he saw so they could interact with each other, not just with him. The principal had given him his full support, something that was often hard for a social worker to get.

As he talked to the kids that past week, one of the girls had asked, "So have you turned to God since you've been sick?" Tom had blinked at her, taken aback.
"Excuse me?" he said, as though he hadn't heard her. The girl had straightened up and said, "Have you let God help you in your time of need?" He remembered biting back laughter.
"Not especially." he had vaguely replied. Realizing the girl had wanted more, Tom continued, "I do have faith. But mostly in my friends and my family. They've been my rock through all of this."

Once he had gone back into his office, Tom had thought abou thow he hadn't set foot in Church since he'd graduated from high school. His parents had sent him there because it was the same school his father had gone to, not because they were particularly religious. He thought of that last time. The last time, when he'd gone to confession.

Right after he was diagnosed, he'd gone to the Church adjacent to the school. He was never an altar boy or particularly involved with the religious proceedings, so the Priest didn't know him personally.

He could still remember the tears in his eyes, and not being able to breath when he went in there.
"Bless me, Father." he started, then broke down.
"My son, I can't help you if you don't tell me your problem."
Tom had gathered his wits about him and said, "I have sinned...Oh, how I have sinned, Father." He remembered the effort it had required to continue speaking. "Father, I'm being punished. I have sinned and now God is punishing me."
"How is He punishing you?"
"I've done bad things, drugs and sex...and now I'm sick and I'll never be better. I'm dirty."
"Sick? How are you sick?"
"I have HIV, Father. I just found out. I'm going to get AIDS. And I can't take it back. None of it."

Tom snapped back to the present when the choir began singing. That Priest had suggested rosaries. Rosaries? What were rosaries going to do for him? He was sick, he was going to die. Remembering that afternoon when he was seventeen made him feel small, and vulnerable once more. He slipped his fingers through Will's. What did the Church know of him? By the time high school was over, he left and never looked back.

Until now. He wondered why. Was it really that girl's questions? What had they triggered in him? He knew his share of the bible. That oft quoted vberse, "A man shall not lie with a man as with a woman." So much controversy and pain over that line.

Maybe he should believe. Maybe the chance to start over with Will when he couldn't get over Jonny was his gift from God. Maybe he'd never know. When the Priest invited the congregation to recieve Communion, both Tom and Will stayed put. Will was not Catholic, but Tom wasn't sure he'd make it up there.
"You should go." Will whispered to him.