My weakness

In the beginning it was alright. Well, my life wasn't alright. It had gone to absolute shit to tell you the honest truth. My father died, I lost a best friend and my job. I became a street kid.

At the beginning of the usage, I was in control. It would temporarily relieve my pain over and over and over again. But then it started to control me in some way that I can't even explain at all.

I was twelve when I became an orphan. I was abandoned by my mom and left to live with my dad. He died due to a heart condition he had all his life. I don't even remember what it was called. I guess it doesn't really matter anymore. I made a life of myself moving from foster home to foster home. I was always caught in the worst homes. The parents were always really horrible to me. They beat me, raped me, mentally abused me. I tried to escape in many ways, stealing their alcohol, prescription pills, running away from home. I was always caught and brought back. As I grew to be the twenty one year old I am now, life seemed to become more and more difficult.

I was released at eighteen. I had no job,no house, so I became a street kid. I met tons of nicer people out there than when I was in the foster homes. They would share their shelter, share their drugs.

I was first introduced to cocaine at a squat area underneath an abandoned building in a new york ghetto. This rich kid always came to drop some off. Only to the girls though, we would have to give him sex for the drug. His name was Mike.

"Hey Sasha, I have a line for you," He would say and we would both take his bill and roll it up. I took a deep breath and snorted the whole thing. The instant rush inside of me felt so good. Everything melted away and I felt like I was flying. I got fidgety and started walking around and talking to different people.

"Sasha!" Mike called to me, and I walked back over to him.

"Yes?" I asked, my teeth grinding together.

"Let's go to my car." He said. He put his arm around me and led me to his Mercedes that was parked a few blocks away. We got in the backseat and started making out. I closed my eyes as he undressed me. Mike was not particularily good looking, but he gave me freedom for a couple of hours. Thats all I needed for now.

Sex to me really wasn't anything anymore. I was never really loved by anyone so sex was as natural as breathing. Guys came and went and used me anyway they needed to. At least they would give me something in return, a couple bucks for coffee, drugs, sometimes even a place to stay. It depends on how nice the guys were I guess.

"Hey, do you want some gum? Your teeth are grinding pretty badly." Mike offered a piece of Trident to me. I took it and shoved it in my mouth and chomped away as I got dressed.

Mike looked at me get out of the car. "Thanks," he said, "see you the same time next week."

I smiled at him and nodded. Then I walked back to the abandoned building and chatted to my friend Amy. She was the same age, eighteen and also was an orphan most her life. I guess she was my best friend. I don't know. I never was really close to anyone.

"So Mike was back, huh?" Amy smiled as I reached inside my pocket to pull out the little bit I got from Mike.

"Yeah, here." I made a line for her on a dirty table we had. She took out her used straw that she always kept with her and did half. Then she handed it to me and I did the other half.

"Man, did I tell you I got a job interview tomorrow? Some low down Salvation Army type place. You should apply too!" Amy said excitedly. My heart was pounding uncontrollably but I felt like I was ontop of the world.

"Yeah, maybe I should. At least it'll give us a place to live too." I said. I twiddled my thumbs and shook my leg.

"Hey, wanna go for a walk? Look for some food maybe?" Amy suggested and I nodded and we went to the nearest restaurant's garbage can. This restaurant was sorta middle class and middle class people are fuckin picky. I mean, They eat like, ONE BITE out of everything then say they're full and throw the rest out. Wow, I WISH I had the option of being so picky like that.

After digging through the dumpster, Amy and I found a bit of mashed potatoes, some carrots and a little bit of what looked like chicken. It was really burnt, but we ate it anyway.

*unfinished*