Musings about those things that I've always been afraid of. SLAM entry. |
I have always been afraid of being straight with myself, looking fear in the eye and letting everything go. I make excuses by the thousands, endless strands of reasons why I shouldn't even hope to try. Sometimes I wonder if I'm satisfied with being self-excused. I see my inner core of truth and the illusion... I say that I'm afraid of letting go of the high, but then I wonder -- have I swung from rung to rung or have I always been right here, securely clinging to the one? I know I'm scared of being open, kissing tenderly, and laughing. I just can't let these things happen as they naturally would. I fear spontaneous moments and involuntary actions like knee-jerk reactions, the hiccups and hunger pangs sinking their fangs into my delicate skin. The more I think of it, the more I see these obstacles appear -- as bouncing checks and bouncing babies, ticking clocks, unwinding dreams and counting backwards from ten, a rash of Mobius trails and doing over again -- so many fears I've had before but somehow managed to leave -- So isn't everthing a choice of what I want to believe? |