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 |   Reflections and ruminations from a modern day Alice - Life is Wonderland |
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Reflections and ruminations from a modern day Alice - Life is Wonderland  Welcome to the place were I chronicle my own falls down dark holes and adventures chasing white rabbits! Come on In, Take a Bite, You Never Know What You May Find... "Curiouser and curiouser." Alice in Wonderland    |
| https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZT-i9iK13S0 I know I'm Superwoman, I know I'm strong I know I've got this 'cause I've had it all along I'm phenomenal and I'm enough I don't need you to tell me who to be The lyrics are from Kelly Clarkson’s song, Broken and Beautiful. On a at day like today, I can proudly relate to these lyrics. I am juggling one closing, prepping for a problematic one in two days, closing out commissions for the month and submitting all the marketing for the summer deadlines in addition to drafting the campaign layouts for the remaining two quarters of the year. If that sounds like a lot, my morning actually started five hours ago when I was up loading laundry and the dishwasher, packing the car with riding cloths and boots and rehearsing the heart to heart chat I was going to take on with my daughter that morning. In between exchanging texts with my husband, I was sending emails, getting the dogs fed and medicated and getting my uncooperative daughter up and out the door. Motherhood is a lot. Working full time in a demanding industry in an understaffed office is a lot. Doing both is damn near exhausting some days. Some days I just rock it. It is easy to check things off my list and tell myself I’m a Superwoman. We women are amazing, right? How else could we run our households, hold down jobs and get shit done? Superwomen, each any every one of us. But there is the truth…I average three to four mediocre days a week for every one of those kick-ass Superwoman ones. I wake up with so many aches and pains each morning I feel like a broken and brittle doll. I don’t get after my daughter as much as I need to. My house isn’t spotless. I cut corners and simply just run out of “umph” more times than I would ever admit. I’m running to catch up…on everything it seems. And work? Well, work is always there, always demanding more. There has always been someone’s slack that I need to pick up, gears that need to be greased and fires that need putting out. As a working mom, I am acutely aware of every time I need to leave early, and split vacations days to cover her breaks and days off. I am the only one with school age children in my office and it weights on me more than it should. I wear so many hats that I feel like I am constantly triaging my parental and work responsibilities so I can prove to them that I can do it all. Yet, I’m loathe to admit that each and every “Superwoman day” is brilliantly and cruelly balanced by the days when I am painfully reminded that no one really cares. Its work right, we all do it. No one cares as long as it gets done. There are days when I give into the frustration, the invisibility, the twenty-five years of working in that same box. Some days its deceivingly easy to trip on my own cape and end up crying in the bathroom. So Superwoman? Maybe not so much…Which brings me to the chorus of Kelly’s anthem, and in essence, the truth behind the Superwoman myth for me. Can someone just hold me? Don't fix me, don't try to change a thing Can someone just know me? 'Cause underneath, I'm broken and it's beautiful More days then not, I feel like I’m failing it all…my marriage, my daughter, my career. I do not feel like the Superwoman. I do not feel like I am even “seen”. I don’t feel like a person who has her own aspirations and dreams, or at least once did. I feel burned out and tired. Broken. The truth is I will always need to be held and comforted more often than I will ever admit. Even if I appear to be getting it all done, I am not. Rest assured that regardless of what it looks like, I am knowingly robbing some Peter to pay some Paul somewhere, and I know it will catch up to me. I am not artfully and skillfully shouldering all that I need to have done in a day and I sometimes just need to hear that it is okay. I don’t need someone to fix things for me, I just need them to know me and understand that no one has higher expectations of myself than me. Sometimes this Superwoman just needs comfort. Sometimes I need someone to gather up all my broken dolls limps and just hold me for a moment. |
| Spring came to my corner of the world this weekend, complete with a flawless Cerulean sky and temps mild enough to roam about in short sleeves. It felt a lot like a rebirth, and I walked in sheets of warm sunshine, pain-free for the first time in over a week. Looking at that perfect sky through the tops of the mature oaks that line my street, I was both humbled and awed by the beauty of a world awash in the promise of this season of new hope. A week prior I had been waylaid by the sudden onset of bad back pain. I had been surprised by how quickly and completely I found myself debilitated by an aggressive pain that seem to come out of nowhere. It had pulled me even deeper into my funk. This past year, covid-fatigue, work-stress, and general malaise had contributed to a pervasive low-grade depression – persistent and hard to shake even by all my usual remedies. Combined with this new pain, that malaise coalesced into the perfect, fuck-my-life storm that set off those little alarms in my head. I deliberately set aside the pain killers and focused on keeping that dark sister in my soul firmly in check. The week progressed and as the pain began to ease and my range of motion improved, I began to breathe easier. I began to feel the black mood seeping away. Then, the weekend arrived and delivered a first day of Spring that was brimming with healing hope. I noticed the return of finches, their winter green coats hinting of the brilliant yellow feathers to come. There were new pockets of crocuses in the yard and the berg was alive with the sound of neighbors venturing out to work on yards or walk the wide streets in the sun. My daughter and set off an hour before dinner, her on her bike and me, grateful for the occasion to walk after so many days laid up on the couch. I watched her, pumping the pedals to race ahead then turning in a slow arch back to check on me, feeling grateful for the simple moment, for the smile on her lovely face and for the reprieve from the anxiety, frustration and the anger. This is the power of a new Spring. I don’t know one weekend is enough to reset completely, even if it was an almost perfect one. It is likely that I will have to read a least one discouraging report. I will have to face another hope deflating soundbite from Fauci. I am just as certain there will be more bad days, more moments when that dark mood rolls back up on me. And yet, Spring has come at last. There will be blue skies and sunshine. There will be buds on the branches and new life bursting up through the soil. There will be my little girl and her bike and lots and lots of those bright yellow finches. |
| Soundtrack of my Life Feb 25th, Entry 21 Horses, Keith Urban https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kmotRDgEjqg There's a lot about this song that I love, aside from the literal references to horses. It speaks to me about finally taking a breathe for myself, for opening up to what I need for self-care. As a mother and a wife, that isn't always easy to do. It has taken me a while to find what brings me peace. Two years ago I bought a 12 year old gelding for my daughter but our painted gentleman has given me more than I expected. The hours I spend at the barn with my daughter are priceless. It is where we talk about things, listen to tunes and relax together. It is where we work side by side. It is where we have faced scary moments and overcome obstacles. It is where we have learned things we didn't know were possible. For me though, there isn't anything that works as a better balm on my soul then walking into the barn at the end of the day. There is a great comfort in the smell of the leather and the sound of munching horses. There is no greater joy then turning the horses out and watching them run under the blue skies. Roo snorts and holds his tail high, breaks into a canter along the rails. We see them so often eating or standing about, it is amazing when they take off, running and playing. It takes my breathe away, all that power and beauty erupting like that. It reminds me that life if short. We should always be celebrating. We can always go back to eating and working, but first its nice to really just run. |
| "Blogging Circle of Friends " DAY 3022 February 25, 2021 “Heroes didn't leap tall buildings or stop bullets with an outstretched hand; they didn't wear boots and capes. They bled, and they bruised, and their superpowers were as simple as listening, or loving. Heroes were ordinary people who knew that even if their own lives were impossibly knotted, they could untangle someone else's. And maybe that one act could lead someone to rescue you right back.”― Jodi Picoult, This has been a trying year, looking back upon 2020, who's your hero? Why? If there was anything 202 showed us it was that most heroes are ordinary people just doing the best job they can in the service of others. The unsung heroes were all the nurses that ended long shifts with bruises on their faces from the PPE and the doctors that spent the final minutes face-timing the loved ones of a dying patient so they could get to say their goodbyes. Heartbreaking images filled our feeds of healthcare workers visiting their own children through windows and glass doors or collapsed in corners of empty hallways, overwhelmed by their private burdens in dealing with a nation in crises. My daughter has been struggling with the isolation of remote learning. Like so many children, school was her source for interaction with other children her age. It is hard for her to connect with the lessons and material via virtual classes and self-guided remote learning. I listen to her zoom meetings and hear those same notes of isolation and longing in the voices of the other kids too. It is a blessing that she got the teacher she got for 5th grade this year. Her teacher is an amazing person, not just as an educator but as a caring and compassionate mentor. Very early on, she recognized the needs of her young students and has tried her best to give them the sense of community and classroom they all very much need. She reserves the last few minutes of every daily meeting to ask them to talk about their day, about their plans and what they have going on. She's asked them to share their workspace with each other via zoom, to introduce their pets and share their funny stories. If you close your eyes and listen, it sounds very much like a normal classroom anywhere in the world with excited voices all trying to talk at once. She shared her struggles with them, like recently losing heat and having to conduct class from a friend's house and managing it all with grace, and asked them to share their struggles and how they overcame their issues. They have taken on the challenges together through this year. I am immensely grateful to my daughter's teacher. She has put the health and well-being of her students first and foremost. In delivering the lessons, she has given them all so much more. She has tried to give them back some normalcy, which they have so desperately needed. She, and all the educators like her, are my heroes this past year. "Blog City ~ Every Blogger's Paradise" Day 2396 February 25, 2021 Prompt:"A poet dips words into springtime to season her poems with beauty." Tom Guillemets Use this quote in your Blog entry today. This prompt is a bit tough for me. I'm not a poet and most of what I write lately seems to be seasoned more with darkness and strife. I can appreciate beauty though, and as Feb has provided us a last blast of arctic chill and snow, I long for Springtime in a way I haven't in some time. I get that Spring is a season filled with blooms and sunshine. It seeds hope after the starkness of Winter. I can see how there is inspiration in all of that rebirth. While I don't necessarily see the quote as literal, I think some writers muses are born from the idea of an eternal Spring. |
| Soundtrack of my life Feb 24th, Entry 19 Can't Stop, Mozella I love this Mozella. There is something so unique about the breathy, beautiful quality of her voice. As a songwriter, so many of her lyrics speak directly to my heart. This song is no exception. It is tied to those first, euphoric days when my relationship with my husband was fresh and new. The arrangement and the words fit that time perfectly as the spark deepened into something more. I met my future husband at a time when I was ill-prepared to fall in love. I was broken, still recovering from a loss and trying to find myself again. He was patient, determined and thought well aware of my damage, he stayed. This song almost perfectly describes my state of mind, my involuntary slip into love with him. Two years after that first date, this song played as we cut our wedding cake in front of our friends and family. "and I'll be yours, just give me time.. you have everything that I could I ever want..." https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tbFDA9pAnXA |
| Soundtrack of my Life Feb 23rd, Entry 17. Like A Stone, Audioslave Hands down, Chris Cornell is one of my favorite male voices...ever. I was a huge Soundgarden fan, largely because of their amazing front man. I feel like as my musical tastes matured, I tended to appreciate the more melodic musings of his band, Audioslave just a bit more. There was something about Cornell's haunting tones in this song in particular that move me. His voice is a world apart from the masses and his loss was a tremendous one. In my opinion, Chris Cornell earns to right to be ranked with some of the best male vocalists ever and I'd like to think he's up there singing along with the likes of Mercury, Bowie, Prince and Petty. The music world has lost some major greats these last few years for sure. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7QU1nvuxaMA |
| Blog City DAY 2394--February 23, 2021 Prompt: Nelson Mandela said, “May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears.” Is this easy to do? What do you think? I start any blog about "choices" lately with a great deal of trepidation as I am struggling with my personal choices more and more these days. I am a little afraid of what may come out if I lean in and examine them closely, put them through the filter of my craft. Honestly, I once thought I was pretty good about making choices based on my hopes for the future. I think I tended to reach toward my ambitions, make choices based on where I wanted to be, where I felt I could go. I had been raised to believe I could go anywhere and so it was easy to dream big. I've come to realize however that it gets harder and harder to make choices based on one's hopes when you learn a bit more about the way the world really works. I feel like I shed a lot of the naivety of youth and with it, unfortunately, a lot of my optimism and hope right along with it. As you age, as the responsibilities mount, it because much more practical to make choices based on one's fears. There are many more fears these days then hopes, truth be told. I've made choices because I'd been afraid of failing and letting my family down. I've made choices because I've been afraid the things I believed about people were no longer valid. I've made choices because I've lost faith in my future, in the path I was taking. My answer to the prompt's question is an empathic, no...is it not easy to make choices based on hopes rather than fears. I'm loathe to admit it, but I believe that latter is true. Blogging Circle of Friends Day 3020: February 23, 2021 Prompt: Describe a beautiful morning or a beautiful evening. We've had a lot of snow these last few weeks on Feb here in the Northeast. I've woken up several mornings to a world blanketed by an overnight snowfall. In those still moments, before the dogs launch themselves into the yard, there is a beautiful quiet. The yard is covered by a perfect carpet of brilliant white that reflects those first tentative rays of golden sunshine that stream through the trees. Stepping out on the deck, the air is fresh and clean and I take deep breaths, appreciating this pristine moment when my world is just waking. These are the mornings I love the most. When I finally relent and let the dogs out, they race about the yard, grabbing mouthfuls of snow and marring the perfect drifts with their crisscrossing tracks and the simple beauty and balance of the morning is lost in their raucous joy. By contract, the most beautiful evenings are those that come in late Fall. The indigo sky is full of stars and the outside fireplace crackles and glows in the crisp air. Sitting outside, wrapped in an oversized sweatshirt, the bats swoop and circle above your head. There is still enough foliage to mask the nearly houses so that you feel cocooned and isolated in the nature around you as you sip your wine and enjoy that autumn magic. |
| Soundtrack of my Life Challenge Feb 22nd, Entry 16 Ojala Que Llueva Cafe - Juan Luis Guerra I spent a lot of time traveling in Mexico and South America, and as a result, I listened to a lot of Latin artists and Juan Luis Guerra quickly became one of most favorite voices. I love his style and his clear way of singing the words allow me to easily follow the lyrics as I learn the language. This song is one of my favorites. It makes my heart happy. It is forever linked amazing people, food and places where the world's colors seem brighter and the music seems more infectious. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDEVFQnBTp0 |
| Soundtrack of my Life Feb 21st, Entry 15 Dumaine St- Trombone Shorty https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cwYAeUpH1NM Trombone Shorty is one of my most favorite musical discovers because he bridges the gap between the modern jazz my father introduced me to and the bounce and pulse of the New Orleans sound that is just a bit too loud for his tastes. Trombone Shorty leads us somewhere in the middle where we can both appreciate the talent not only of Shorty but of the wide cast of talented musicians he often plays with. He can sing but he also wants to make you move and its hard to sit still when he's blowing away. He's also got a great story. Here is a video of him at Lincoln Center, age 13 with Wynton Marsalis in 2000. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k9YUi3UhEPQ Trombone Shorty, was born Troy Andrews, he hails from a musical New Orleans family and begin playing at the age of 4. His resume is impressive. He has played with legends, toured with Aerosmith and Lenny Kravitz and even starred in the HBO series, Treme, which featured the neighborhood of Treme and the french quarter in the immediate aftermath of hurricane Katrina. Which by the way is a fabulous show for anyone who appreciates all music and its roots in the American culture. Andrews never seems to stop working...or caring. He is also an impressive philanthropist. He established the The Trombone Shorty Foundation, which evolved from Andrews' Horns For Schools Project, a collaboration with New Orleans Mayor Mitch Landrieu, which works to aid schools across New Orleans receive instruments donated by Andrews personally. The Foundation's mission statement reads: "to preserve and perpetuate the unique musical culture of New Orleans by passing down its traditions to future generations of musicians." He is one of the latest in a long, long of fantastic musicians to come out of New Orleans but its hard not to hear something new and fresh in his sound, even when he's playing the old standards and second line jams. He also earns my respect for being an artist who always remembers where he came from and is constantly looking for ways to give back. The pandemic has hit New Orleans musicians particularly hard and he's stepped up once again to do what he can for those that are struggling as the bars and streets have gone quiet under closures and curfews. I encourage you to check him out, Trombome Shorty is def one of the bright stars. |
| Soundtrack of my Life Challenge Feb 20th, Entry 14 Home We'll Go, Walk off the Earth https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAwSQq44O_U Walk off the Earth is the quirky band that found fame after Ellen discovered a video of all five members playing one guitar. It was an impressive and original display of musicality. I discovered them just before Ellen helped them go viral. I was drawn to their use of unusual instruments, many homemade, and the haunting vocals of their lead singer Sarah. They are a group of Canadian music students who have been lucky enough to develop a following. They put on an amazing all ages show that features their wide range of original tracks and inventive covers. They do a cover of Ed Sheeran's Shape of You with an odd assortment of pool noodles, cutlery, bells and kazoos that's pretty unbelievable. We've seen them five or six times, the last three shows, my daughter attended with us. This is her favorite track from the band. |
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