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My blog...probably won't be all that exciting! Or will it? |
| This is just my blog. I'll talk about my life, things I do, places I go, work, sex, fantasies. Whatever pops into my head. |
| The trouble with narcissists is they can be so charming and clever at first. They pretend to be kind and considerate. They sometimes have a sarcastic sense of humor, so you just think they're joking when they really aren't. It's quite the game to them. To see if they can lure you in, con you into a long game. Mess with your head. I met a new one right here on this very site recently. I had reviewed one of his stories and we began chatting. It started out friendly. We seemed quite compatible and I thought we would become good friends. He began talking about finding me attractive and intelligent and hoping to meet someday. I made it clear that I'm not looking for a relationship to avoid any hurt feelings or confusion later. He pretty much ignored all that and kept talking about how important relationships are as opposed to casual flings, etc. (Red flag 1) He made comments about how he had flown to the U.S. from Australia to meet a woman only to realize he wasn't attracted to her and he felt bad about hurting her. Not long after that revelation, he insisted looks don't matter at all and it's my intelligence and honesty and wit that make me most attractive. (Red flag 2) He sent me a picture after I explained, honestly, that I am unable to become aroused sexually if I don't find a person at least somewhat attractive. I made it clear that they don't have to be a model or even attractive in a traditional sense. Sometimes it's in a smile or a twinkle in the eye that transforms someone from not appealing, to sexy. I need to see someone's eyes to really read them, as well. When he sent the picture he sent it with the comment, "Because looks are so important to you, here's a picture." I took it as joking sarcasm but I should have realized that was (Red Flag 3) So, for a couple of days we were having friendly chats, he mentioned that he hadn't had sex in 4 years and that it wasn't by choice (Red Flag 4) He had been honest about past drug and alcohol issues and I appreciated the honesty and openness about it, so I don't consider that a red flag. I have a few friends in recovery and I have friends who smoke pot and drink too much. They are still good people who haven't done harm to me in any way, so I don't judge solely on that. I may have continued to believe that he respected women and would always stand up for women if a man was harassing or abusing them if I hadn't read one of his essays by chance. In it, he stated that women who have been in a domestic abuse situation need to accept their share of the blame for the situation. They need to learn to forgive and not paint their abuser as a monster as this is unfair to put all the blame solely on him. I explained to him, nicely, that this was not a good thing to be saying as the first thing therapists and other supporters assure us of when we are trying to leave an abuser is that it's NOT our fault. We did NOT deserve abuse. No one deserves to be abused. I also informed him that my ex-abusers as well as most abusers in general were always blaming me, blaming their victims. "Well, if you hadn't said that, I wouldn't have had to hit you." for example. He said he tried to re-read what he wrote with compassion. But, in the end he still believed that women who didn't leave, even if they couldn't, were basically agreeing to be abused. He accused me of calling him names because of me pointing out that my ex used to blame me for my own abuse. I never told this guy that I thought he was an abuser himself. I was speaking under the assumption that someone he knew was accused and he didn't believe the woman and that's why he was defending such awful behavior. But, yeah, as soon as he took what I said personally (Red flag 5) I tried to explain better, but he made it painfully obvious that not only does he lack empathy, but he in fact is an abuser. He became quite insulting, accused me of suddenly changing as I'd always been so nice before. Was I drunk? He could forgive my being so mean if I'd been drinking. Just wow. No, I haven't been drinking. Holy shit, really? I must be drunk because I am not okay with misogyny and victim blaming and shaming? As a domestic abuse survivor and sexual assault survivor. As a woman with cPTSD, how do I not get angry? And how dare he tell me I should forgive my abuser who was never sorry for what he did? How dare he extend forgiveness to me for speaking my mind and reacting emotionally to something that triggered a PTSD reaction for a very good reason? I tried to reason with him. Big mistake. He just became more insulting and demeaning. He even had the nerve to complain that this was his final try at trying to get to know a woman and build a relationship and he was ready to just give up. Manipulation anyone? So yeah. That's the trouble with narcissists. |
| I have been so busy working 10 hour shifts, 3 pm to 1 am Monday thru Thursdays with occasional weekend overtime. And, sometime today or tomorrow I will be welcoming my first grandchild into the world. It's going to be a boy and his name will be Charles Joseph Dean. I'll definitely upload a picture and more info once he arrives! |
| So, I failed my first road test. I was so anxious, that definitely didn't help. On top of that, he had me turn left onto 2nd Street from Huff where you can't see past the cars coming off River Road to see if anyone is coming toward you in the other lane til they're practically on top of you. Then, the spot where you parallel park and do 90 degree backing up there were 2 semis sitting and waiting for me to get out of their way which just pushed my anxiety even farther through the roof. I was such a nervous wreck after that, I did just awful. So, now I have to practice for a week before I can try again and I had really hoped to be able to apply for some jobs that require licenses since I only have about a month left of unemployment and have had no luck finding a job yet. |
| The other day, after swimming and doing water aerobics at the YMCA, I was soaking in the hot tub and talking to an older lady named Jane. She's a nice person, but religious. I didn't tell her I was no longer religious and that I identify as pagan. So, she is under the impression that I'm still Lutheran as I'd mentioned I was raised Lutheran. So, she says this gem, "You can't be a good person without the Lord." I didn't argue and just kind of let it go. Why? Because I AM a good person, for the most part, and don't like to be nasty to old ladies. So, though she doesn't know it, by my silence I proved her wrong. This actually is annoying the hell out of me because I don't know how to make her realize how wrong she is without being all "in her face" about it. Well, I'll figure out a way eventually. Or, Karma will help me out at some point. |
| Andrew came over after I got of work a little after 5 and left about 8:45. He said he'll probably come back later...if not, I'll see him tomorrow. I gave him a back massage and a blow job. He got me off quite a few times and rubbed my back too. He's so sweet. He likes to cuddle and when we cuddle he always rubs my back.  I feel great. |
| Andrew (the 21-year-old) came over again last night. He gave me an awesome massage and I gave him a blow job before he headed home. He had to be up early today, so didn't think it would be a good idea to stay. So long, and thanks for all the fish!      |
Last night Marjie, Ralph and I went out to my friend Jeremy's house because it was his roommate, Dana's, birthday. She had a professional tattoo artist there giving discounted tattoos, so Marjie and I got matching penguins! It didn't hurt as badly as I thought it would! |
| So, played darts for EB's tonight as is usual on a Monday night. I have darts tomorrow night for Steiny's so I didn't want to overspend and only had a few drinks total. So, not even tipsy. We kicked ass tonight...10-2. I won 3 of the 10. I played really well tonight. I was happy with my performance. No sex tonight, but I am actually fine with that. I'm a little sore from being with Ralph the last 2 days in a row. hehe |
| Went to Gabby's Bar around 2 PM when they opened,. Been drinking the whole time and had to deal with my daughter's father too. A little bit ago, Reid from work called to see if I could work from 9 PM to1 AM for him. OMG. I am so loaded. I agreed to it and am now eating ice cream and trying to sober up. Oh god...this sucks. |
| Spent about 5 hours with the love of my life tonight. If I had to guess, had to be about 40-50 orgasms. He is so incredibly amazing. No one has ever made me feel like he can make me feel. Just his touch and his kiss drives me so crazy. And, to top it all off, he's also one of the best friends I've ever had. Then, I walked home, changed into dry clothes, hehe, and walked up to Freedom to get a pack of cigs where my girlfriend (wife) Margie's hubby was waiting on his motorcycle to give me a ride to EB's for karaoke. Had a fun night, singing, helping Nancy when she needed a break... Kristen and Margie are great kissers...danced with Mandy. Yeah...I'm so happy. |
| Ok, so last night, or early this morning, rather, I had a really bizarre and frightening dream. Not sure what it means. Maybe someone can enlighten me? The love of my life and I are in this big house, lots of people around. He takes me into a bedroom and we lie down on the bed and begin fooling around. At one point I look up and see men with video cameras taping us. I tell him that we're being taped and he says, "I know, that's what they do here." I say, "Okay." and go back to enjoying his kissing and touching. Then, a big black guy comes in and Mike gets up out of the bed. The black guy crawls into bed with me and then a few white guys come in and seem like they are going to join us. I jump out of bed and run out into the hallway looking for Mike. He's nowhere to be seen. Panicking, I start searching the house. I suddenly notice that there are a few cats roaming around and each one is missing a foot on one leg. They have white bandages at the bottom of the leg instead. Then, a sheep comes walking toward me also missing the bottom part of one leg. I go into full blown panic, wondering what the hell is going on in this crazy house and start randomly opening doors while calling out for Mike. In one room there is a surgical operating table with a guy on it and a man in surgical scrubs and mask standing next to him with a scalpel. He glares at me and I slam the door shut and start running through the house. I find Mike, finally, drinking a Mountain Dew and talking to some people. I tell him we have to leave, now, we're in danger and he follows me outside. As we walk down the street and I'm telling him everything I saw, he suddenly disappears. I walk to his house and his dad is sitting on the front porch. I ask him if he's seen Mike and he looks at me like I'm crazy. "He's in the garage waiting for you," he tells me. I go out to the garage and Mike is sitting there drinking a beer like nothing happened. He says, "What took you so long?" Then I woke up. |
| Do you ever have days where your mind just won't SHUT THE FUCK UP? I'm having one of those. So many thoughts just running rampant with me unable to get control of them. Main thought: Why have I had so much trouble with men and relationships? I think I've figured it out at least to a certain extent. When I was 16, I had some sexual experience, but not a whole lot yet. I met a nice 18 year old guy that my parents also happened to like. He lived about an hour and a half away in a town called Red Wing. I actually officially dated him for a little while. I went to his high school prom with him. He took me to a movie. He came to a piano recital and an honors choir concert of mine. We didn't have sex. We kissed and touched, but never crossed the line. I thought I was doing things the right way. My parents certainly would have said so. He "hated" my so-called best friend Sheila. She had grown up in foster care and my parent actually considered adopting her at one point. She was my age. He called her a slut, loser, etc. She was no good. Guess who he cheated on me with? This has forever warped my view on sex and relationships. I see that now. I see it clearly. So, if you put out on the first date, you're a slut. If you take your time and build things slowly, the way they say you are supposed to....instead of a man talking to you about it, asking you if you're ready to take the next step, you can count on them to fuck the first easy slut that comes along and offers. If you want a man to stick with you, be faithful to you, you'd better give him what he wants. But, guess what? He won't ever truly respect you. He'll never fully trust you. He'll think you're easy. He'll think you're going to cheat on him if he isn't in the mood when you are. He will forever feel threatened by your high sex drive if he discovers he can't keep up. So, how do you win? How can I convince the man I love that I truly love him. I don't just want him because he's an amazing lover. I don't only call him cuz I'm horny. I don't go see him just to get multiple orgasms. I love him with all my heart, but how do I prove that? He's been hurt many times too. He has trust issues too. He knows me better than anyone and has seen me at my worst. How do I convince him that my worst isn't who I really am? How do I explain that the only way I've ever known how to deal with heartache, rejection, pain, anger, disappointment, and frustration is to go out and get drunk and get laid? How do I prove to him that I haven't been doing that anymore? I only want him. I only love him. I have loved him for almost as long as I've known him? I haven't seen him since Friday, last talked to him Monday. Things are crazy right now and there's nothing we can really do about the obstacles thrown in our path. But...I've had offers, I've had opportunites. I've turned them down. I've walked away. I've refused to fall back into old, self-destructive patterns. I will wait. I want to wait. I have toys. I use them. He makes me happy. Why is it so easy to say these things in writing, but so impossible to say them face to face? I know, there is probably no easy answer. All I can do is keep doing what I'm doing and hope he will see the truth in my eyes. He says he loves my honesty, but yet I'm afraid to be completely honest. What if he still doesn't believe me? I'm not giving up. I will never give up. I will keep being me, keep trying, keep giving him love, affection, honesty and me. |
| Went to Gabby's earlier to have a couple drinks in the air-conditioning and relax. My daughter's father comes in, sits down next to me, and almost immediately proceeds to try to talk me into giving him a "second chance". 15 years ago when I stopped giving him chances, he was already on like a 5th or 6th chance. Why he thinks things would magically work better 15 years later is beyond me. He tried to use the excuse that it would be good for our daughter for us to be a family again. What? She's 18, almost 19 and going to college next year. What difference would it possibly make to her if we got back together? So, the moron keeps using her as his reason, insisting it would make her happy. I called his bluff. Texted her asking what her reaction would be if her dad and I thought about getting back together. Her response? "I'd think you both went insane." That's my girl. Just the response I expected and hoped for. He wasn't too happy that she was on my side, but he should be used to THAT by now. She's a Packer fan like me, even though he tried to win her over to the Vikings all through her childhood. When she was 3, I asked her how she would feel about it if her and mommy moved out and got their own place, but she could still see daddy anytime she wanted. Her response, then? Jumping up and down excitedly and asking, "When are we moving?" Don't get me wrong, she loves her dad. But, she's always been aware that he is an alcoholic. She remembers all the times he fell asleep while watching her and she couldn't wake him up. She remembers the fights he and I used to have. She's not stupid by any means. (4.0 gpa through high school) So, yeah. He still couldn't understand why I didn't want to give him another chance after all this. I even told him a few times that I'm seeing someone, I'm happy, I have no desire to change anything. His response? "I'm sorry to hear that." Um, you're sorry to hear I'm happy? Well, good job. You now have made it even less likely that I would ever give you another chance, you selfish prick. If you really love someone and they tell you they are happy, you are happy for them even if you are sad for yourself. Believe me, I know. I have loved my boyfriend for about 15-16 years now. I've been there. You don't rain on someone's parade if you love them. Even if it turns out in the end they were wrong and got hurt because they trusted the wrong person. You don't rub it in. You don't gloat. You genuinely feel sad that they were hurt....because that's what love is. |
| I've loved you for longer than I can even remember. I can't recall the exact moment when I realized it, but it's been there, in my heart, this whole time. You once told me, years ago, that you couldn't understand how my daughter's father could be so stupid as to let me get away. So, when you walked away and didn't look back, fell in love with someone else, it hurt more than I can ever say. I know I never told you how I felt. I know that my life was a mess and I was behaving in a way that would make anyone question my ability to be true and faithful. But, you never let on you were looking for that kind of relationship. You were seeing other women, I was seeing other men. What you didn't know, and what I couldn't say,was that all you had to do was ask. If you had said, "I don't want you to see anyone else." I would have stopped seeing other people. I would have given anything to be with you and only you. For you to love me the way I loved you. But, I was young and scared and foolish and I never said a word. When you got into a relationship with her, I thought you were happy. I was sad for myself, but happy for you. I'm sorry she hurt you, I hate her for cheating on you. I don't understand how she could do that to you. I don't understand how someone could have you, could WIN you away from the others and then not appreciate you, not be thankful every day for having won the heart of the sweetest, kindest, most loving man I've ever known. As happy as I am to have you back in my life again, I hate that you had to get hurt for it to happen. I hate that I had to make so many stupid mistakes in my life, mistakes that make it hard for you to trust me. I love you with all my heart. My biggest fear is losing you again. I could never do ANYTHING to hurt you, anger you, upset you in any way because I don't want you to give up on me, I don't want you to walk away from me, I don't want to lose you, your friendship, your loving, I want to make you happy. I just wish I could say these things out loud. I know I've opened up more in this last year than I ever have, but I still fear saying all this out loud. I guess I'm a bit of a coward. |
| Was sitting home after work feeling kinda down cuz I was broke and out of cigarettes. My best friend, Nancy, texted me asking me if I wanted to join them at Steiny's for a couple drinks. I told her I'd love to but I'm literally broke til Thursday night when I get paid. She told me to come down anyway. She gave me 20 bucks, all I gotta do is work an hour for her on Thursday, deejaying(karaoke) and we're even. She also gave me a few smokes to get me through til we headed home and could stop at Freedom. She is an amazing friend. Jeff bought us drinks and shots too, so I still have like 12 bucks left in cash to get me through. I love my friends. |
| Last night, right after I left work at 5 PM, I went to my friend Matt's birthday party. It was build-your-own shish kebabs with pork, chicken, beef, shrimp, onions, green peppers as well as grilled red peppers, onions and zucchini. It was amazing. Also, tortilla chips with homemade pico de gallo and there was a veggie tray with bacon ranch dip. The birthday cake was carrot cake with cream cheese frosting. Ate way too much. But, oh wow was everything fantastic. We put our skewers on the grill and took care of our own food...that was pretty cool. Then, Tami and Rachel talked me into drinking with them, so ended up crashing there overnight and then going to work from there this morning. My cat is kinda mad at me. It was a good night though. I hadn't seen Rachel in a long time, so I'm glad I went. |
| I really don't get men sometimes. I was walking home from a wonderful night with the man I love when my ex-boyfriend, Jay, started texting me. He was going on about "reliving old times" and tried to bribe me into giving him a blow job for 100 dollars. Don't get me wrong, I am on an extremely tight budget, so that was a little bit tempting, but NO. I am not going back to old, self-destructive behaviors. My life has finally gotten to a point where I'm happy...yes, things are tough and I don't get to see my sweetie as often as I'd like, but when I do, it's amazingly wonderful and having to wait a few days, sometimes, makes it all the sweeter. Anticipation and all that. So, anyway...Jay kept texting me and I finally told him that I had just had 5 hours of great sex and was tired and going home to bed. He wanted to drop by after work at like 2 A.M. I told him NO. DO NOT stop by. So, what does he do a little after 2 AM while I'm asleep? Calls over and over...which I ignored. Texts a few times, which I ignored. Rings my fucking doorbell 3 times. My roommate's boyfriend, Eli, woke me up to tell me Jay was downstairs at the door. I told Eli to tell him that he tried to wake me but couldn't. I'm not the person I used to be. I don't like the person I used to be. I did a lot of stupid, crazy shit last year when I was extremely depressed, lonely, hurt and angry by the way my husband was treating me. I felt worthless and miserable because of him. It made me do things I'm really not proud of now. If it wasn't for my best friend/former lover/current lover, I would never have made it through this last year, I wouldn't have had the strength to divorce an abusive husband, I would have no self-confidence and no self-esteem. Now that I have those things, I don't need casual sex. I don't need to debase myself for cash. Yeah, I could use the cash, but I'd rather be broke and eat ramen noodles. That's the truth. More than anything, I want the man I love to see that I've really changed. That I'm not the person I was last year. I want him to trust me and respect me. I don't want to do ANYTHING that might cause him to stop wanting me, stop caring about me, stop wanting to be with me. Losing him would be a nightmare. I can't stand that thought, it scares the living hell out of me. My daughter's father keeps bugging me, too. He's asked me to go out on dates. I'm not stupid enough to believe that he wants to date. I believe he is lonely and horny and, like most men, thinks that if he acts all sweet and nice and takes me on dates, I will think he has changed and give him another chance. Yeah right. There is only one man that I'd go on a date with. And, finally, my ex-husband, Scott. He still calls me at least once a day, sometimes twice. At least he's let up a little bit. For awhile he was calling me 5 or more times a day. He keeps telling me how much he misses me. How I'm the love of his life and he doesn't want anyone else. We are legally divorced now. It finally made the newspaper yesterday after a month. I will never trust him again. I don't know what to say to him at this point. He talks about how depressed he is and how he thinks about walking off the bridge. I know it's emotional manipulation, because my ex-boyfriend Joe did the same shit. Unfortunately, Joe actually did kill himself by overdosing on all his prescriptions. The night before that happened, he had been talking about dying and had played the song, "If I Die Tomorrow" by Motley Crue for me, insisting I had to hear the song THAT NIGHT. But, he had been acting like that a lot over the year after I dumped him for Scott, and I didn't take him seriously. So, now, I really want to tell Scott to leave me alone and never bother me again. I want to tell him that I'm in love with someone else, someone I've loved for years, long before I met him. That I will never trust him again after all the times he has hurt me and abused me over the past 8 years. But, I'm afraid I'll push him over the edge like I did to Joe and I don't need more guilt. So, yeah, I'm happier now than I've ever been, but I'm still a bit of an emotional wreck, too. I love someone that I'm not 100% sure of how he feels and I am scared to death that I'll fuck it up again. My exes are emotionally draining me as well. Why do they have to keep bothering me? I just want them to leave me alone so I can just try to be happy. That's all I want. |
| Just got home a little bit ago from karaoke at Steiny's. Had a good time, sang some songs...got felt up a lot. My wifey, Margie's husband was being a dick to her, but we got to sing a song together before he dragged her out again. He's so controlling. I hate seeing her sad and crying. That fucker is such a dick to her. What the hell. But, a few of my other girlfriends were there and we did have a good time over all. Got a little drunk and gotta work in 8 hours. Oops. Got felt up a lot, as usual. Didn't do anything stupid though, so that's a good thing. Saw Mike this morning, he keeps me sane. Gonna eat in a bit and go to bed. |
| What a day! It was my day off, but had to go in for an hour and a half. Why? The girl who was opening today lives in Wisconsin, right over the river. There's only ONE bridge that goes directly into Winona, MN from there. It was blocked off at 6 AM. Why? Nope, not an accident. Some lunatic was threatening to jump off of it! Yup, she had to drive up to Wabasha and then come down the highway back to Winona. An hour out of her way. Our maintenance guy was stuck too, but when he called from another driver's cellphone, I told him to wait awhile and if he still couldn't get over, not to feel that he had to drive back to LaCrosse or up to Wabasha. He'd be excused if he didn't make it in. I was so tempted to walk over to the bridge and push that jackass off of it. Sorry, but dammit. It's my day off, motherfucker! Ah well. Patty got there and I came home. Then, Scott wanted to go shopping. We've been arguing a lot about marriage, engagement, commitment, etc. He's been married and divorced twice and is afraid to do it again. I can understand that to a certain point, but up until today he has been stubbornly refusing to come to a decent compromise. Today, he bought me a ring! No, we aren't likely to actually take the final step, at least probably not for another 4 years, lol. But that's ok. He's obviously serious about making things work and staying together, and he is obviously really trying. I never thought we'd even get to this point, I was ready to give up on him. I'm actually feeling happy. It's weird. |
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