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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/blog/neilfury
Rated: 18+ · Book · Biographical · #2258138
This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters.
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May 26, 2024 at 11:02am
May 26, 2024 at 11:02am
#1071701
At my psyche appointment yesterday, I was told I would remain on the current meds. A new one called Trihexyphenidyl, which is for medication-induced Movement Disorder (or Parkinsonism) has also been prescribed. The antipsychotic causes the need to move my legs. It will take some time for the secondary meds to begin to work, so once again, I need to be patient. I believe it has to do with Dopamine uptake. I'm taking low doses of both meds.

Around three weeks ago, I did a Google search for churches near me. I called the closest one and spoke to the Pastor for ten minutes. He seemed like a nice guy and I was invited to come and see what they were about.

In the weeks following the call, I thought about my reasons for attending church. I must admit that I felt guilty, and if not for the fact I've been seeing hallucinations of demons, I doubt I would even contemplate it, let alone go. It makes sense that there must be a God if there are demons.

This morning I threw a curveball question at Angel. "Do you want to come to church with me?" "No." Obviously.

She isn't happy about me taking meds either but seems more bothered by Jesus than the chemical compounds I take (which so far only dulls the images and looks like a dark screen between her and me).

At 9.45 am this morning I climbed on my bike and 'we' headed to church. It was very nice. I was introduced to most of the people there. It's a small congregation and that suits me fine. At one point, we were asked if there was anyone who needed prayers to come forward. I hesitated for a few moments before I went to the front and had hands on me.

I was honest about my faith and it being low at best, and I would be lying if I said I am a believer. This is why I was hesitant. How can I expect something like prayer to work if I don't truly believe in the doctrine of Christianity...that Jesus died on the cross for my sins? I can get my head around a higher power/creator, but I struggle with Jesus being the son of God.

They were very compassionate and I felt good because I didn't lie about the difficulty I have believing what is written in the bible...I mean, I've never even read the book.

It was nice, however, to get out and talk to people. A few times during the service I closed my eyes to see what Angel thought of it all, and for the first time in a long time, no eyes were looking back at me. She said she was there (and I believe her) and that it didn't bother her, but for the next few hours after the service, she didn't look healthy or happy. She is notorious for making up BS. I wouldn't be surprised if the prayers had no effect on her and she was play-acting the slow answers and the sickly look.

I don't care if I am suffering from psychosis. The meds keep the visions down to a level I can deal with. But if this is some form of demonic possession (or whatever else it might be in a physical sense), I don't like the sound of that one bit and I am willing to try anything to get rid of it.

The doctors are sure it's meth-induced psychosis and it is hard to argue otherwise. But those who are not trained to make an evidence-based assessment...people who look at the spiritual possibilities of what I am going through, may think otherwise. I'm still sitting on the fence, although if I was forced to make a guess, I would say this is something more than a mental illness.

Life is good and the funny thing is if not for this entity, I would likely be dead and would never have made the choice to move to Thailand and get my life back on track. If not for the entity, I wouldn't have gone to church today. It's hard for me to hate it because it gave me the incentive I needed through sheer terror, rather than using a kid-glove approach.

A weird thing happens whenever I take my meds (which for the first few hours is a little intense). My hallucinations look high...and if this is true, that means the entity may not simply be a spirit, but biological. That also explains why, whenever I was coming down, she would terrorise me...she was coming down too.

I'm hoping this two-pronged attack will be enough to send her packing...but I have my doubts that's going to happen.



May 23, 2024 at 12:24am
May 23, 2024 at 12:24am
#1071548
The Title is taken from Neil Young's song of the same name.

As I look back in time with sober eyes, if only I had paid more regard to what I was doing to my brain, instead of focusing solely on the pleasure I received in the moment. Hindsight is not so wonderful now that it is too late to change past mistakes. Having to take medications that don't just filter the symptoms caused by my drug use, but limit me, sparking undesired effects like drowsiness, confusion, uncomfortable leg pain and simply going through the motions, rather than truly living this newfound life I have fought hard to achieve, wasn't a consideration.

Are...regrets. I have always wondered about regret. Some say they have none, and I find it hard to fathom how anyone could go through life without at least one. Yes, I can see that if we were to change the course of our past, we wouldn't be where we are now. But surely, there have to be things we look back on and wish we had done differently. I know I have many of these moments and they are not just drug-related. I get that there is no sense pondering them, other than to revise the lessons to ensure we hold onto the positives we learned...which is the only thing I can see where regret has some benefit.

We are a lot like Ameoba swimming around on a plate (ironic considering that's what we once were... allegedly), bumping into each other and thereby suffering and causing some damage, and yet, taking something away from the experience. Should causing hurt and pain to others be something we regret? When the fact is they also caused us hurt and pain before moving on.

Is pain a necessity in life? Is it God's way of reminding us that we are still alive? Is pain and regret essential to our development as human beings? Does the saying, 'that which does not kill you makes you stronger' apply in all cases of human and chemical interaction?

I am wiser now than at any time during my nearly sixty years on this planet, and I wonder if I would be as wise if I had not chosen to self-medicate, and instead, sought the help I am now receiving earlier. The reality is that no one knows what or where we would be if we had in the past, made different decisions. The butterfly effect comes to mind, where even the smallest of changes could make huge differences to our present...if we indeed had a present, considering the possible outcomes.

To live each moment like it could be your last. Breathe and appreciate that small yet huge thing that few of us pay any attention to until we truly understand what that means.

I could complain, but I am not going to. I brought this situation on myself. Sure, there were circumstances I could hold up and say that's why. I could use my present situation as an excuse to feel sorry for myself, something I have done so many times in the past. But, what use is complaining? Is the glass half empty? Or half full? Yes is the answer on both counts. I am so lucky to be alive after a lifetime of taking drugs that could easily have killed me. And so, given these words I write to gain clarity, I choose to look at the positives.

I'm now under the guidance and treatment of someone I pray knows what they are doing. Someone I hope has my best interests at heart. I no longer need to dull my psyche to avoid feelings of regret. I'm no longer so bored that drugs are a better option than spending time alone...to avoid feelings of loneliness. I'm still alone, per se, but no longer lonely, and that is something I hold onto with all my might. Abandonment will come again. Regret will too. But these things have both positive and negative connotations attached, and it is up to me to choose which I focus on.
May 20, 2024 at 10:29am
May 20, 2024 at 10:29am
#1071422
So much for going off meds...it only lasted 24 hours before I was back on them again. Why? The hallucinations wouldn't leave me alone and forced the decision.

The strangest thing happens when I take my meds. Taking a whole tablet (200mg) causes not just me, but the entities/demons to hallucinate as well. When I close my eyes to see what they are up to, I see their eyes bulging and struggling to focus. They look for all the world like they are hallucinating and are very high.

I'm not sure if my taking meds is supposed to get my hallucinations off their heads, but that's exactly what it looks like from my perspective. Another thing I notice whilst their eyes are lolling about, is they are more cooperative and possibly truthful when I ask them questions. But, it appears they have found a way around this by answering yes and then no, on repeat when I push them for answers.

They often did that anyway, unless I asked questions like, "Are you beautiful?" "Yes." "Are you smart?" "Yes." And so on. Or the opposite would bring a series of answers to the negative.

The best thing that happens when I take my meds is there appears a dark screen between them and me. I can still see them, but it is faint.

Unfortunately, I've been forced to take the tablets earlier, rather than just before bed. The reason is that within an hour or two of ingestion, my legs begin to ache (restless leg syndrome on steroids). A condition I inherited from my father...which is exasperated by the compound I am taking. I can't lay still, and it is much easier to tolerate when I'm moving about, rather than laying still. The downside is by the time I do go to bed, the effectiveness of the drug is somewhat diminished, and so the hallucinations are more active and able to attack me when I close my eyes while trying to get to sleep.

To overcome this, I cut a tablet in half and keep it by my bedside...just in case. I've tried using this as a threat to my imaginary, drug-addled and psychotic friends, but they refuse to make deals with humans, no matter how much they stand to gain. When I ask them about my continuing to take meds, they always say no. But this lack of enthusiasm doesn't transcend to compromise of any sort.

There are other benefits to continuing the medication. I feel awesome during the day. It's only the mornings when I'm a bit groggy, but once I've had breakfast my head clears and I can go about my day unimpeded.

Yesterday I decided to take an entire day off training. It was hard for me to do because of the progress I have been making, but this morning at the gym, I felt great and had energy to burn...three steps forward and one step back seems the best course of action. Perhaps one day off a week will be better in the long run.

In any case...things are going well for me in Thailand. I had to apply for a residency certificate to get my bike registered in my name (it's been in the dealership's name until now) and get my driver's licence. I've been riding around without a Thai licence for two months, and this is something I need to change to avoid being fined by Tahi police when I eventually get pulled over. I stand out like a sore thumb. They call my bike a 'big bike' (which is anything bigger than a scooter), but mine is a giant bike compared to everyone else on the road...and once I have those two duties done and dusted, I will be free to legally explore SE Asia.
May 16, 2024 at 11:47am
May 16, 2024 at 11:47am
#1071199
The meds are having a profound effect on my memory, especially in the mornings. And because of the restless leg syndrome (more painful legs syndrome), it is taking me a long time to get to sleep. The result is I'm sleeping longer in the mornings. Compounding these issues is the fog I am wading through when I wake up.

I am not happy with the medication. I've stuck with it for five days, but I'm becoming anxious about taking it because I know what will come over the next three to four hours. It is working as far as making the hallucinations fade. But they are still there behind a dark screen and Angel still answers questions in the same vane as she always has...negatively about me and positively about her.

The medication has had some positive outcomes. I'm still training hard and overall I feel great. I'm paying little attention to the visions behind closed eyes. My energy hasn't been affected, and once I get through the foggy morning, everything else is fine. But, the leg thing is awful, and as much as I don't want to discontinue taking the pills, I'm at the end of my tether. I have another appointment with the psyche on the 25th. At this point, I'm more concerned about the side effects (or effects) of these antipsychotic drugs, than I ever was about dealing with Angel.

From tonight, I'm going to discontinue taking Quetiapine. I know the doctor will recommend another antipsychotic or prescribe a medication to deal with the pain in my legs. I'm going to have to decide the better of two evils. Dealing with Angel was, by and large, my problem, in so far as she only caused me grief at night before sleep (how ironic it's the same as the meds). The rest of the time, it was me stupidly engaging her.

Going forward, I won't acknowledge her in any way shape or form and will not allow loneliness or boredom to become an excuse for engaging her. She isn't a problem regarding my day-to-day living. However, I'm still uncertain about if she is a hallucination or a demon, and this may present a problem further down the road. If that is true, and this is more than just a mental illness, it won't matter if I take antipsychotics or not, because the drugs only mask the visions, but change nothing else. These drugs are not a cure, and only relieve the symptoms and stress the hallucinations cause...which so far in my case, isn't that much.

An interesting article about kickbacks made to Physicians...particularly in mental health.

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/cifamerica/2011/mar/15/psychology-heal...
May 14, 2024 at 12:11pm
May 14, 2024 at 12:11pm
#1071055
Before I decided to get help for the symptoms of psychosis, I said I would follow the doctor's orders to the letter. Back then, I had no idea what the side effects of taking an antipsychotic like Quetiapine would be.

Sides vary from person to person but are almost guaranteed to play a role in the process of being medicated for a mental illness.

On that note, however, even though I have only been taking the medication for three nights, the symptoms/hallucinations are not as noticeable now as they were before. I'm not looking to converse with the entity as much and I'm not sure if this is a result of the meds, or if I am mentally breaking free from the allure of having an imaginary friend (who is not a good friend).

I'm not putting too much thought into this because as far as I am concerned, any improvement is better than none at all...especially considering the pain (not literal pain, but a few hours of serious discomfort) I have to go through. I'm thankful that tonight it appears I am becoming accustomed to the dosage...although I am not out of the woods yet, and things can change pretty quickly once I go to bed.

I had one look today and could faintly make out Angel's silhouette low and to the left in my field of vision. She looked like hell, and when I asked her if she was OK, her eyes went side to side very slowly. I told her I was sorry for doing this to her, and left it at that. Mental illness or a demonic presence doesn't mean I don't feel bad for doing to her, exactly what she promised all along she would do to me.

A few days ago, I watched a video by a Pastor called Derek Prince. It centred on a prayer for expelling demons. I recited it, but one of the conditions was that I had to hate the demon. I admit, I struggled with that concept. Hating the demon (if it is a demon) isn't something I am comfortable with, and only lowers me down to its level. Turn the other cheek comes to mind.

Many times I tried to convert this entity I call Angel, but to no avail. I would tell her she was beautiful, and then ask if I was, only to see her eyes moving side to side. Her actions strengthened my position that love will overcome hate, and light defeats darkness. There is no reason for me to fear her unless I allow her negativity to push love out of my heart and replace it with hatred.

If this is not primarily a mental illness, she may yet get her way. I have laid with the devil, and done things I look back on with shame. Meth turned me into someone I am not...and do things I would never do if I wasn't under its influence. It is only now that I see just how deprived I was. I pray for forgiveness, but I do not expect that to happen. My faith is not strong, but I am determined to make up for the self-indulgent behaviour of my past. I'm not looking for redemption, I just want to help people. The main thing is that I forgive myself...the rest is mostly out of my control.

Every day I draw breath, I set out to make the world a better place. I know I have said it before, but I am done with addiction in all its forms. The wheels are in motion, and although no one knows their future, I have hope that I will fulfil my goals before I die.

May 13, 2024 at 10:07am
May 13, 2024 at 10:07am
#1071014
This is night three of taking Quetiapine, an antipsychotic drug used primarily to treat people with Schizophrenia, Bipolar Disorder, depression and psychosis. I took half a tablet an hour ago and am struggling to concentrate.

The doctor advised me to take a whole tablet for each of the first three nights, then switch to half a tablet. On the first night, I took a full tablet, but it was too much. About an hour later I began to hallucinate (the tiles on the floor in my ensuite, which are white, turned a light shade of pink...and Angel's face appeared to form in the texture on the surface) and my legs were super restless. It felt like I needed to stretch them, but nothing could bring relief.

Even worse was when I closed my eyes. I saw Angel completely wasted. Her eyes rolled around and were bulging out of her head. This went on for hours until the drug finally wore off and I fell asleep. Last night (night two), I reduced the dose to a half tablet. This was much better. I can (even now, if I close my eyes) see Angel, low and to the left in my field of vision. She's faded and is not a happy entity, but then she never was.

I was told it would be six months before the meds could be stopped. And then, we would see what happens. I deliberately underplayed (to my doctor) my thoughts on what exactly it is that afflicts me. I didn't want him to think I was completely bonkers. That, and I want to remain as open-minded as possible. Telling him this or that, when I don't know what is real, is what I would expect someone who is delusional would do. It does seem strange though that the hallucinations appear to be wasted. They are not as easily detected now I am on medication. I'm trying not to engage with Angel, but that is easier said than done.

As usual, my worst enemy is curiosity, and I will be the first to admit that I am, at best, reinforcing this delusional belief that a demon has taken up residence inside my head...and by continuously asking it questions and then getting answers in reply, I might be setting myself up for something I don't want to think about.
May 6, 2024 at 11:22am
May 6, 2024 at 11:22am
#1070604
Hindsight? Why didn't I keep my big mouth shut and not brag about my physicality and such? Why did I invite something into my life just because I was lonely and didn't believe it could be real?

I got through the workload today. After breakfast, I hit the gym and did half an hour of cardio, followed by a moderate weight session. I then returned to my abode, had lunch, swam laps and did three sets of twenty pool edge dips. I finished the day off with a walk to the local fresh food markets and back.

I'm aching in places I didn't know could. My feet hurt and I have come to the realisation that I'm a fifty-nine-year-old man who is terrified of growing old. I don't regret the amount of exercise I'm doing, but I do regret saying that I am getting younger...when in fact, I aged another day today. I'm in denial and finding it hard to accept that one day soon, I'm going lose this battle for youth.

My eyesight is getting worse and the strength I had a year or two ago, is waning. My right knee, right elbow and both shoulders complain every night when I lay down in bed. I refuse to take any pain relief because eventually, the pills won't work anyway.

The symptoms of psychosis are still with me and show no signs of abating. The entity insists it is going nowhere, but I have a plan...only four more nights of torment before I see a doctor. Hopefully, he or she will prescribe medication that will relieve the symptoms...and if not, I'll travel to Phuket and buy up all the Diazepam I can get my hands on (no one in Hua Hin will sell me any). I also need to find a local English-speaking church...not as a backup per se, but it can't hurt and I need all the help I can enlist to overcome this problem.

I'm tired of seeing demons every night when I close my eyes, and even though I know they can't hurt me (at least, I don't think they can), it is beginning to take a toll. It's become normal to see them, and even though I try to make light of it (for my own sake), the fear and anxiety I feel before going to bed isn't ideal...especially given how long it has been going on.

I'm resilient, and no matter what happens, I won't give in to this illness/affliction/condition/infection. There is too much at stake...from my mental health to my soul.





May 4, 2024 at 12:00pm
May 4, 2024 at 12:00pm
#1070506
There is something strange going on with me. It might be (it could only be) all in my mind, after all, isn't everything? But, I feel younger today than I did yesterday. And not just younger, but stronger and fitter. It could be put down to the fact that I am training like a MF, but I'm trying to fathom HOW I am accomplishing the extensive workload.

In the past, I have done a lot of training. I know my body well, and when it comes to my physicality, something isn't adding up. I'm doing some serious training sessions each day (in the vicinity of three hours). The thing is that I'm not feeling fatigued at the end of the day like I should be. I'll be sixty soon, and even my libido has done a complete 180-degree turn. The only unfortunate thing about this is I still don't have a partner. And with an abundance of single Thai women hanging out in bars only a few minute's drive away, it is becoming very tempting to go check out what all these Farangs are getting into.

There's a voice in my head that yells at me each time I begin to entertain the idea, telling me that I will be chewed up and spat out...a guppie in a tank full of sharks. Of course, this is something I cannot do (have sex with prostitutes). Why? Because I am stupid? Because I cannot face the reality that here, it is perfectly acceptable for an older and foreseeably richer Westerner to have a Thai Girlfriend much younger than himself and come to some mutual monetary arrangement. We (older men who should know better) want to have sex with young and beautiful Thai women, and they want (need) money to help support their families. It all looks fine on paper, but the reality, I feel, might not fit the page as well as the fleeting, dumbass idea does in my head.

I may need to employ a guide...an old hand who can show me the ropes. I don't drink alcohol, so this reduces my Dutch courage levels significantly. Perhaps my best and wisest old friend (me) is right to tell me, "Don't go there, Neil!"

The last time I had sex in the flesh and in person (entities/demons and an online friendship with benefits aside) was in November 2016. For those of you who are mathematically challenged, that's eight fucking (or not fucking) years. Now there were reasons why this was so. I was in love with a drug called Methamphetamine and nothing and no one could come between us. I also had the responsibility of caring for my Mom. But the main reason I never looked for someone during those eight years was because of my addiction.

Now that all the aforementioned excuses I had to avoid intimacy are gone, I am struggling to find someone who is perfect for me in every way (please read facetiously). Oh, to finally meet that one person (the latest and hopefully last soulmate I will encounter) who compliments me physically, emotionally and mentally.

But alas, although she may be out there somewhere, just waiting to ask me where I have been all her life, the reality is we might never bump into each other in the grocery store isles (with the right foodstuffs on board our respective trollies) or see and swipe the correct way (whichever way that is because I've never dared to put myself out there to be judged by everyone on a particular dating site as worthy or unworthy of giving or receiving love).

Some people have given me sound advice and said if I am serious about finding someone, I need to pay to be on one of the more professional dating sites. To be perfectly honest, I don't think I am dating material. For a start, I still have a long way to go in my recovery. I have only just arrived in a new country to begin a new life, and I cannot help but think that meeting someone now might change the direction I am planning on taking...which is exploring Cambodia, Vietnam, Laos, Malaysia and perhaps even The Philippines. And that's just the beginning. If things settle down in Europe, I would love to visit Holland and Iceland. A dream would be to ride my bike through Switzerland and Finland during the summer months. All of these places I could go with a partner, but I feel like I shouldn't be afraid to do it on my own...and perhaps solo travelling is the best way to get the most out of an adventure.

It wasn't until about two weeks ago that my body dealt me and my sex drive an unbeatable hand (excuse the pun), and now that my libido has decided to make a second coming (again...excuse the pun), has complicated matters beyond what I would have anticipated. I suppose this could be a post-midlife crisis...me buying a brand new motorcycle and all these thoughts of fucking hot Thai women.

Perhaps the therapist I need to talk to might see these hallucinations of demonic entities as a lesser evil than my desire for fast adventure and sleeping with girls young enough to be my daughter as the main issue here. This is unlikely though because he probably supports a much younger Thai girlfriend and will say something like, when in Rome, do as the Romans do. To which I will reply, "But, Doc... what about all the STIs that a condom doesn't protect me from?" And he will roll his eyes at me, just like the other men I have asked that question whilst I have been here who don't even bother to wear a rubber.

I thought life would get easier once I got meth out of my life...and it has, only to face the new challenges that have inevitably arisen, just when I thought I was home-free.
May 1, 2024 at 10:50am
May 1, 2024 at 10:50am
#1070359
My training has hit overdrive—multiple daily sessions...swimming, weights and walking. My diet, since arriving in Thailand, has improved exponentially. No bread or butter. No oil or salt (other than if I eat out) and plenty of fruit and veg. Despite adding lean body tissue to my frame, I've lost over two kilos in a month. I now have a one-pack, with another five to go.

I'm enjoying the work I'm putting in and especially the results. There's a long way to go. The hardest thing to get my head around is the ongoingness of training. It's difficult to remain motivated and get out there and train every day. For me, it's all about routine. If I can persevere for a week or two, then it becomes easier to keep it up. All it takes is a few lazy days that can easily lead to a week or two. Then a week or two can lead to a month...and so on.

I'm surprised at how quickly I have bounced back from the Covid infection. I can still feel the lingering effects deep in my chest. When I am swimming laps and begin to breathe more deeply, I can hear a slight wheeze in my lungs. I will also cough up some phlegm between sets, but overall, I'm happy with my recovery.

My general health has improved significantly since I left Australia...mostly because I no longer use methamphetamine. If it weren't for the persistent symptoms of psychosis, I would say I have made a miracle recovery. Ten days until I go to see a doctor about it. I am loath to take prescription drugs, but I am willing to do this if it helps get rid of these demonic hallucinations. I'm thankful I only see them at night and that for the most part, they don't bother me much. I don't hear voices, and the truth is, if not for my curiosity and stupidity in engaging with them, 90% of the time I wouldn't be aware of the eyes that answer my questions with a yes or no.

I'm hopeful that by taking the lowest dosage of antipsychotic drugs that still affect the hallucinations and make them disappear, in time, I can be weaned off them and return to a normal life. I have been researching the topic of drug-induced (meth) psychosis and it can persist for over a year after discontinuing use. This means I may still have a while to go. In any case, I will be under the supervision of a medical professional and I will follow orders to the letter.

At first (and even for some time after the symptoms appeared), I treated the whole thing lightly. I had no idea then that I would find myself in the position I am in now...with no way of controlling the psychosis other than through medication. I thought that once I stopped using meth and returned to normal sleep patterns (as had happened in the past), the symptoms would soon disappear. I wish I had been more aware of the long-term effects that meth psychosis can cause. Even now, whilst writing this, the delusional belief that this thing is real persists. And as bad as this sounds, I would rather have an ongoing but treatable mental illness than have this thing...this entity, become my reality.

It's going to be a long ten days. Angel has been nice to me for the last day or two, and that's not a good thing (my knee has been hurting from all the training and when I ask her for pain relief, it instantly stops hurting). She doesn't want me to attend my appointment and that makes perfect sense. Even if she remains, hopefully, I won't be aware of her. And if she is real, this will cause her issues because I am her only focus.

April 28, 2024 at 11:30am
April 28, 2024 at 11:30am
#1070004
I wish I knew what to make of these eyes that don't just look at me behind closed eyes, but answer my questions with uncanny precision and thought. Sometimes the answers are given without hesitation, and at other times, with great ambivalence. Of late, there has come a new answer. The eyes go around in a circle, I assume indicating, "I don't know." It's a cop-out if I ever heard one.

I have heard every different story, from demon to alien...from love to hate. Without a doubt, if not for this 'thing' that is going on in my life, I wouldn't be in the position I am. I'm clean of drugs for the first time in a very long time, and it's because of Angel that relapse is not an option. I keep pondering whose side she is on...good or evil.

When I ask her, it is almost always the same answer...evil. And yet, so much good has come to me since she arrived. It makes sense in a way that she would keep up the persona of evil, after all, if I get wind that she is on the side of good (that she is an angel and not a demon) it might jeopardize my sobriety by way of me losing my fear of her if I relapse.

The only thing (or so I thought) she does to me that causes me angst since I stopped using drugs is at night when she appears to blow in my mouth as I breathe.

A poison to kill me? Yes.

Well, it must be a very slow-acting one...and besides, her prediction from early on was that I would end my own life (a call, like every other call she has made in the past, that she has since rescinded). I've been writing/journalling the story from the beginning "Angel in the hope that something would be left behind in case she finally found a way to destroy me. Of course, this is fantasy and no amount of words would convince an MD that foul play was responsible for my death.

But today, as I lay down in the afternoon before my walk, I closed my eyes and she appeared. This time, however, instead of resisting her, I opened my mouth and allowed her to do whatever she wanted. And this is where it gets interesting. In the past when I was high and Angel and her friends were being intimate with each other, they didn't have sex the way humans would. Their sex organs are located in their mouths and they would appear to kiss...but it was much more than simply kissing. They have extremely long tongues and I assume (I never got to indulge with them because I couldn't touch them nor them me) they used it to stimulate each other.

Within a minute or two of allowing her to be close to my mouth, I felt an overpowering sense of arousal. I was wearing shorts and suddenly, it felt like I was going to orgasm. It then stopped and as I looked into her eyes, her eyelids went up and down slowly. I was in disbelief, but it felt so good that I wasn't going to stop what was happening. Waves of pleasure would lift me and would then gently bring me back down...with ever-increasing intensity. After around ten or fifteen minutes, I climaxed. I lay there trying to fathom how it could be. How does an entity that is caused by psychosis have sex with me without any input on my behalf?

I guess you could say...lucky me. But the fact is I am more afraid now than I was before this liaison occurred. I thought she had no control over me, but now I realise she has more power over me than ever before.





April 27, 2024 at 11:53am
April 27, 2024 at 11:53am
#1069885
Today, I swam with determination...Today, I walked with a smile.

Sickness can bring a person down. All that work I did to get to a certain point was lost much faster than it was gained. Then, there's the time spent recuperating...pondering things that are not worth the time and headspace.

Isolation compounded by loneliness and a preprogrammed need for contact with other human beings that is not limited by keystrokes and hope...and the realisation that the price if this desire were to be fulfilled, would be high, had me well down in the dumps.

After watching Prem Rawat last night on YouTube, the algorithm recommended a short doco based on the book, 'Owning Your Own Shadow', by Robert A. Johnson, https://youtu.be/XEd0x0DIFSE?si=-eXxYgAdvfUBSzpb who was influenced by Carl Jung. The doco explores the fundamental need to acknowledge our dark side, rather than pushing it down and pretending it doesn't exist.

Another great video I watched was about consciousness, love, self-awareness and human history.

https://www.youtube.com/live/k2HqGecXvTg?si=OWJZ6tEfYZM0JPDF

It also explores the relationship between AI chatbots and the loneliness epidemic...and how algorithms are not just replacing jobs, but companionships as well.

The symptoms of COVID-19 have almost disappeared. I'm not as strong as I was before the infection, but on the whole, I am making a rapid recovery. I'll return to the gym on Monday. I won't rush back to full training because my body is still fighting the virus and overstressing myself physically at this point may cause more harm than good.

It's amazing how much better I feel. Yesterday, I received a review for a piece I wrote ages ago. It was so positive and completely changed my day. I cannot stress how important it was for me to be validated in such a qualitative way. Thanks, DRSmith...it means more than you know.

Life is full of ups and downs...and I'm going to enjoy this high while it lasts.
April 25, 2024 at 8:27am
April 25, 2024 at 8:27am
#1069639
There are many benefits to being on one's own. Never having to compromise is one. Arguments with myself occasionally happen, but I almost always win and get my way (which is a double-edged sword). Preparing food for one and cleaning up afterwards is relatively easy in comparison. I would say that I do what I want whenever I want, but that would be a lie. It would be nice to have someone to talk to right now, but with no friends nearby (and those I left behind in Australia being hours behind my timeline), that is not an option.

I don't find making friends easy. Truth stamps the seal of disapproval on most of the people I meet...and that goes both ways.

And the rest? I am going to have to assume because I don't know the reasons why I can't seem to warm to people (or them to me). My neighbour is an alcoholic and that friendship was bound to fail. My American friend, who came to my rescue the first night I took my bike for a ride and dropped it, has stopped messaging me. We have very different core values and some are too hard to ignore (like him sending me pictures of the prostitutes he is 'dating' and having a huge 'TRUMP' banner across his front door (he has his right to express his political beliefs, as I have my right to reject them). He has unprotected sex with these girls and when I questioned his behaviour, asking if he gets tested for STIs and HIV regularly, didn't sit well with him.

"I don't have AIDS." was his response. And when I asked him how he knew this...well, that was the beginning of the end...for both of us.

The Australian couple who came for dinner last week I haven't heard from since. I guess listening to me vomit for half an hour whilst they entertained themselves must have been too much to get over.

It seems running away from my problems in Australia isn't as easy as I had hoped. I have made progress on my attitude towards relapse...and that is it ain't never gonna happen. Psychosis has ensured that, and although I wish I wasn't still seeing the hallucinations, I am hopeful that the appointment I've made with a doctor on the 11th will relieve the symptoms that continue to plague me.

As far as that goes, Angel is still around and just as annoying as ever. I should be grateful that it is only annoying, and that she is not causing me any extreme issues. During the day I ignore her, and at night, so long as I have a disposable mask by my bed for when she breathes into my mouth (which always makes me cough), all she can do is project ridiculous images of a photographic nature onto my field of vision. They are easily avoided by looking elsewhere, and after a while, I fall asleep.

It's certainly not a perfect life, but still, as long as I don't use meth and focus on the positives, I know things will improve with time. I've only been in Hua Hin for a month, but as my friend Kare Enga stated recently, ex-pats are not the most friendly people here in Thailand. I do wonder why this is so. It makes no sense to me to be standoffish with others who have also come to a new country to rebuild their lives. Perhaps that is all we have in common...without doubt, it is if we never even say hello to each other, let alone talk about why we chose to relocate.

I feel blessed to have this chance at a new life. Of course, there will always be things we want more of...or less of. If that's even possible because more things tend to bring more issues...and fewer things won't always bring fewer issues.

Tonight, I will watch YouTube videos by one of my favourite philosophers, Prem Rawat, to try and lift my spirits. In one of his talks, he asks the audience what they consider important. Careers? Flash cars? Relationships?

Then he smiles like the Cheshire Cat, before taking a deep breath. "That," he says, "Is the most important thing anyone can do...everything else is secondary."

And whilst philosophy is a great life teacher and guide, it isn't going to solve my problems for me. Only I can do that by being patient and never giving up trying to find a better version of myself...which when you think about it, is a lifelong quest that only when we take our final breaths, will we know if we achieved our goal.
April 24, 2024 at 6:22am
April 24, 2024 at 6:22am
#1069552
I am on day five of my ten-day isolation schedule. It's going OK and my health has improved a lot. There's plenty of food in the fridge and I have enough water to last until Monday. I'm a little bored, but not yet stir-crazy. If it wasn't so hot, I would gear up and go for a ride, and I may still do that tomorrow or Friday. I won't come into contact with anyone and I feel up to it.

Last night was the best I've had in a while. I'm trying to ignore the hallucinations because my friend feels that by engaging with them, I may be promoting the thought patterns and encouraging whatever this is. However, this is not easy to do because, during a prayer session, I am completely engaged with the entity inside my head.

The second session went a lot like the first. Images of demons float upwards, eyes saying, no. Then, as soon as they change to, yes, they rise faster and disappear. This morning I saw Angel low down and to my left field of vision (her permanent residence). I questioned her about the prayer sessions and, of course, she smiled and her eyes went side to side...as if saying they were having no effect. She wouldn't tell me if they were, so I disengaged. At least by doing this, I found out that the symptoms persist.

Perhaps she is too embedded to be completely removed. Or my expectations are too high. My faith, I have to admit, took a hit when I saw her smiling away at me this morning. But after breakfast and with some careful consideration, this would have been her intent no matter what damage may have been done. There is also the possibility that she is doing all of this theatrically...getting her jollies by seeing my reactions as she creates scenes of demons coming to their demise in my head. And there is the probable cause of why she is still there...psychosis.

Perhaps I am praying for the wrong reason...for the wrong cause to be eliminated. Or more expiation is required before receiving forgiveness and help from above.

I have started something that I intend to follow through with. There's no point trusting this thing's word that it is fine. It lies continuously and that smile isn't a smile of joy because it knows no joy, happiness or love. All it knows is hatred and deception. It isn't even smart in the way it goes about things. Pure arrogance tells me just how confident it is, and rather than saying it is smart, I would say it is more cunning than anything else.

I just completed my third prayer session. It followed along the same lines as the first two. At a certain point, I saw either fingers or hooks coming down and scooping/pulling at the entities refusing to move. There were two separate ones this time. It's the weirdest thing watching them hook into a set of eyes and drag them upwards...and always the same, no, no no...then, yes, and they are then removed high up in my field of vision. There's also something akin to a vacuum cleaner effect. I can see the eyes being sucked upwards and everything begins to stretch until the entity is dragged away

I again felt physically sick during the session but persisted through the nausea until it passed. At some point, I know I have to retreat, depending on how I feel. It takes quite a bit out of me and I have fallen asleep after two of the three sessions so far. No matter what, I will hold onto the faith I have acquired. The symptoms of Covid have almost disappeared and I feel pretty good considering everything. My spirit is on the rise, and no matter, if this is a demon or a mental illness, introducing prayer to my everyday life cannot do me any harm...and could help me overcome whatever is causing these hallucinations.
April 23, 2024 at 3:14am
April 23, 2024 at 3:14am
#1069459
Fever can cause delirium and for the past two nights, I have been restless and fitful...waking up drenched in sweat, to the point where I have to search the bed for a dry place to lay. But, that is the least of my problems.

When I named this entity that has plagued me for the last ten months, Angel, I will never forget the glee she displayed when I gave her that name. And in hindsight, how poignant and seemingly coincidental it was that Angel was the first name that came to my mind. I have never been a fan of coincidence, and it has become apparent that it was no coincidence.

Since developing the symptoms of COVID-19, each night as I lay in bed my body hurts, my nose begins to run and the cough, that is getting deeper into my lungs each day, worsens. And so too do the hallucinations from psychosis. I close my eyes hoping she won't be there, but she always appears, her face close to mine. Then, I feel her breathing into my mouth, which makes my throat tickle and I have to cough.

Psychosis Halitosis...I can't believe I tried to make a joke about this phenomenon, but it's what I do whenever I am nervous or afraid. It doesn't matter how many times I roll over because this image is inside my head, yet strangely, only happens when I try to rest. If I sit in front of the TV and close my eyes, she is never there blowing into my mouth.

In my desperation for peace (it doesn't matter if this is a hallucination, delirium or if it is happening because I was stupid enough...lonely enough and didn't believe enough that evil exists in this world, and can, if invited, infect our minds because this is what I am experiencing every night) I became so distraught that I came downstairs and put on a surgical/disposable facemask. To my surprise, when I lay back down, she stopped trying to breathe her toxins into my mouth.

You could put this down to psychosomatics... the power of suggestion, but here's another little piece of weirdness. Early yesterday I had my eyes closed and was trying to negotiate a ceasefire in the war that has broken out between us when I saw a small dark image appear in front of my eyes. I stared at it for a moment when in the middle of the blob, a thin line folded out on the upper side...she was flipping me the bird. Later, I managed to convince her to do it again by denying it had happened and I had imagined it...and she did the exact same thing again.

I understand that the human brain is an extremely complex organ, but surely this mental illness I am suffering from wouldn't have the capacity to visually give me the finger...on request. I keep alternating between what I consider is going on here. Am I suffering from a mental illness or have I somehow opened the door to something I am now regretting? Angel alternates between the demon theory and her being an entity from another dimension, and in reality (excuse the pun), it matters little to me which is true because in either case (or even if it is psychosis, which is not improving, but getting worse by the day), I am in seriously hot water.

I had another terrible night...my sheets were soaked, the mask would eventually tickle my face and I kept having to take it off to blow my nose.

They say a person has to hit rock bottom for them to decide to quit drugs forever. This has been the only good thing that has come from my experience with Angel...the fear of coming down and hallucinating all manner of horrors that can only be stopped by sedation with benzos.

Not a good way to live one's life, and as much as I would love to hold myself up as this champion anti-drug campaigner, the truth is if not for these symptoms, I would likely still be in the abstain/relapse cycle of drug use. I needed a good hard kick up the ass to make me change, and she provided that for reasons unknown. If not for that, I believe it is likely I would be dead by now either by OD, toxicity or by my own hand.

But now, I have a secondary issue and no amount of lamenting my choices will change this outcome...or so I thought.

I have tried praying over the last few months, but upon reflection, I was simply looking for an easy out. I still had trouble accepting that Jesus Christ is the son of God and died on the cross for our sins. I remember my father expressing this opinion when I was young, and it stuck with me ever since. He accepted that there was a man called Jesus Christ...and that he was a man beyond his times. I added my own take, comparing the miracles he performed to modern-day magicians. If I were to go back ten thousand years and produced fire with a lighter, I would gather followers too. Add to this my doubts about what is really going on with me...mental illness (the better of the three options), aliens or demons and I have been clutching at straws for some time.

I have always been aware of my spiritual self. The doubts came from seeing religion and how corrupted the churches have become. Of course, this has little to do with faith...and faith is the hardest thing I have ever had to take on.

This morning when I opened my eyes, I went to the bathroom and laid back down. I am exhausted beyond anything I have felt before. Not physically, but spiritually empty. I still have fight left in me, after all, this could be the difference between seeing my Mom again or something beyond any horror I could suffer here on Earth. I began to pray (beforehand, it was always only to God) to Jesus, to God and my Mom...please help me. My hands were clasped and in my field of vision I could see the demon...down and to my left...smiling as always. I kept on praying as hard as I could...harder than I ever have before and I kept on mentioning Jesus Chris...please forgive me for inviting these demons into my life. Please help me fight them.

And then something happened I will never forget. A set of eyes that was going side to side in front of me suddenly went up and down and drifted upwards. I watched as it faded away to nothingness. This was the beginning of what I believe was an exorcism. I thought there were only one or two entities, but as I prayed, I watched more and more sets of eyes rise...all doing the same side to side, then finally up and down before drifting away in the same direction.

I kept praying, and in between bouts of prayer, I told them to leave...that they were not welcome. I couldn't count how many I saw disappear, but there were at least thirty or more. Then, as more and more left, it became harder... they were stronger than the first ones I had encountered and I had to work harder to get them to leave.

I hadn't eaten since the night before, I was dehydrated from the fever, but too afraid to stop. I kept looking down and she was still there. The eyes that drifted before me became more vivid. Some shone bright purple and green before they drifted up and disappeared. Some I saw didn't quite disappear and tried to come back down to my right. I screamed in my mind to leave...looking directly at them and demanding with a determination I knew I needed...they then turned upwards and left...eyes going up and down.

I began to feel nauseous and panic set in because I could see she was still there. It was then I noticed the entities beginning to break off Angel...like she was made of goo and some unseen force was pulling them away from her. And then calm set in. From above I saw what looked like a finger attached to a hand pointing downwards. It was curling down and pulling the demons upwards and away. My prayers had been answered.

As fewer and fewer sets of eyes appeared, I looked down; she didn't have the same smug smile she almost always has, but still, she remains inside my head. Her roots have been set over a long period, and it will take some time before I can finally pull her evil from my consciousness.

I have eaten and I am ready for round two. I don't care if it takes a hundred rounds to defeat her. Looking back, it's no wonder she was always so smug. This is going to be a difficult fight, but I am ready...Covid has depleted me, but spiritually, I am stronger than I have ever been.

April 21, 2024 at 11:24am
April 21, 2024 at 11:24am
#1069318
All aboard...

Yesterday afternoon, I began feeling off. I had a tickle in my throat and there was the feeling that I wasn't quite right. Refusing to allow a little cough and runny nose to hold back my training, I hit the pool and did the full session. Afterwards, I felt better...both physically and psychologically. Things quickly went downhill from there.

I had no appetite, so I ate a few pieces of fruit and lay down in front of the TV. The aircon was on and an hour later, I felt a chill go through my entire body. I began to shiver uncontrollably. I needed to be under my doona. My joints started aching as I brushed my teeth and this ache soon spread to my whole body...and then, the headache arrived. I have experienced a migraine headache before when I was playing football. I received a head knock and suffered a concussion. I will never forget that next day...the worst pain I can ever remember. There is no escaping a migraine and my heart goes out to those who regularly suffer from them.

I am not well, both mentally and now, physically. I had no Tylenol last night, so I had to grit my teeth and take it. Psychosis always takes advantage of a weakness. When I was coming down from a high, and last night when Angel wouldn't leave me alone. I got little sleep. I cried...I got angry...I moaned and I wanted to die. I told Angel in the morning that I would get poison to end my life...to end both my life and her existence.

I did this not as a suicidal pact, but to test and see how she would react....in the hope that the threat would gain me some peace and I could get some sleep. She wasn't keen on the idea, which surprised me because she has always maintained that I would kill myself. Of course, I have no intention of ending my life. I have only just begun to live again after looking after my Mom all that time, and I'll be damned if some imaginary hallucination (or even if she is real) is going to convince me otherwise.

It was bad, and as the sun rose, I finally got a few hours of sleep. Having no one to call for help here in Thailand, I had no choice but to get on my bike and go prepare for what I suspected...that I had contracted COVID-19. I put on a mask, got on my bike (I wouldn't take a taxi for fear of being in a confined space with someone which I thought wasn't fair), went to the store and parked my bike.

I then walked to the local private hospital a few minutes away and made an appointment to see a doctor about receiving treatment for my psychosis. I go back on the 11th of May, and hopefully, I will be given a medication that will help relieve my symptoms. I returned to the store and bought enough groceries to last me for at least ten days, picking up a RAT and two packs of Tylenol to confirm and help relieve the aches and fever.

The test came back positive for COVID-19. Luckily in the past, I have received four inoculations, and even though I wouldn't be considered up to date, I imagine this has lessened the impact. I would hate to have to deal with the symptoms without my body recognising the pathogen and fighting it as best it can.

It is also fortunate that I am very comfortable being on my own. Yes, I feel a bit glum once in a while, and these hallucinations, whilst being detrimental to me overall, mean I am never truly alone...any port in a storm, so to speak. I understand this is not the most healthy way to deal with the situation and I should try to ignore these entities completely in the hope they will fade away. But analysing why these apparitions persist may come down to a combination of things. Loneliness can cause psychotic events, and given my heavy use of methamphetamines over a long period, combined to create a train wreck that was bound to happen sooner or later.

I could guzzle tears and feel sorry for myself at how unfair life is, but at least I am not suffering from the classic symptoms of schizophrenia. No voices in my head and it mostly affects me at night when I close my eyes...or during the day if I am angry and take it out on Angel or lonely and want someone to talk to.

I still have a strange feeling when it comes to her. She promised me misery and despair, and yet, hasn't once caused me any harm. She might be an evil demon (as she insists she is...although she is a terrible liar and I doubt this is the case), but if she is, she has done a lot of good for me. I don't know if I will ever be rid of her completely. Medication will mask her presence, but I cannot help but think she needs to hang around just in case I ever relapse...which is something I am more terrified of (facing her coming down) than anything else. Even death would be better than that.

Ten days? I can do that standing on my head. It's going to have its moments, but even if I wasn't in isolation, I would still have challenges to face.

TOOT TOOT...


April 18, 2024 at 11:36pm
April 18, 2024 at 11:36pm
#1069151
My last entry was the two hundredth in, Meth...A Ticking Timebomb Gone Viral. It all began on September 9, 2021. I was hopelessly addicted to methamphetamine and at that point had already tried to quit and relapsed more times than I care to remember. The blog, I hoped, would offer me some accountability...some hope.

Reading back some of the two hundred entries, there were some tough times. I remember many times thinking I would never rid my life of this drug, and even though it has only been a few months since the last episode, there has been a pattern of lessening use going back to when my Mom died in June 2023.

In hindsight, this event's significance was the catalyst for change. For a start, I had to execute her Will. The responsibilities of organising Probate and the deed of family arrangement to avoid a contest took a toll on my mental health. I didn't have time to grieve (or I was avoiding it) and then came a change in the way I was reacting to the drugs, which pushed me to breaking point.

I began to experience side effects like never before. I believed that an alien entity had infected me with some form of parasite a few years earlier, and every time I used (and only when I used), I saw the trails they made under my skin...they required moisture... water not mixed with blood to avoid my body's defence in white cells. The trails led from the corners of my mouth, my nasal passages and my eyes along creases in the skin. I had to do something. I couldn't just sit back and accept these invaders...allowing them free reign inside my body to do experiments and possibly slowly kill me.

So, I decided to go on the offensive. I used tweezers to pull out any ingrown whiskers. They were red and awful-looking and eventually, this became a habit every time I used. The meth, I thought, broke down the brain barriers 'they' put up, so I couldn't see them when I wasn't high. This had been happening for approximately three years when the changes in the severity of my psychosis made life extremely difficult in the days following the high.

That was both a wonderful and terrifying time in my life and has brought me to this point, where I no longer fear relapse. I know I will never use meth again for one reason and one reason alone...Angel will be there waiting for me, to terrorise me in ways that would bring me to the brink of suicide.

When she first arrived, it was fun, but that soon changed and she revealed herself to me as a demon. It doesn't matter if you believe in demons or not because she was very real to me then...and still is today. Psychosis doesn't disappear overnight, and the symptoms could be with me for some time to come. I haven't yet sought out professional help. The degree of bother this thing (whatever it is) causes me is minimal, now that I am no longer using meth, and only appears if I close my eyes and talk to it, and at night when I turn off the lights, where hallucinations of demons eyes appear and answer any questions I ask with a yes or no.

Thank God, there are no voices (and never have been). My life is relatively normal except I still struggle to make friends. I am not displaying any of the classic signs of schizophrenia, but drug-induced psychosis does have similar symptoms and cannot be discounted as the cause of my issues.

If I saw a psyche, I would no doubt be diagnosed as delusional because I believe/suspect that the parasite causes the symptoms I am experiencing. I believe/suspect Angel is their defence mechanism. She is the reason I no longer use meth, and if not for her, I would likely still be living in Australia, making excuses for my behaviour and continuing to take meth until I died. And when the host dies, so too does the parasite.

We understand little about our brains and I also believe these manifestations may be my brain's effort to stop me. That theory is pretty far-fetched, I know. As is the one about me being infected by a parasite from another realm (another dimension, according to Angel)...or that demons had found a way into my life and are here to take my soul when I die.

I suppose it depends on your own perception of my situation and your background...be it medical, spiritual or from a cosmic perspective. With all the UAPs flying around in the sky it could be suggestive to my brain that this is more than drug-induced psychosis. The bottom line was I needed more than a simple mental illness to scare me straight.

Last night I had some new friends come for dinner. They are Australian expats living here in Thailand and a chance meeting saw us sitting eating our food when I was struck with a condition I have had for a while called an esophageal constriction. If I eat heavy foods like meat, don't chew properly and swallow before the last mouthful has had time to pass the ever-shrinking tube between my throat and stomach (probably caused by swallowing meth mixed with Powerade), the food clogs and won't go down...and once that happens, no amount of water will help, and I have to throw up...and this never clears it immediately.

I was embarrassed and frustrated with myself for allowing this to happen. I had warned them (my guests) about it beforehand but as I leaned over the toilet bowl for the third or fourth time, I closed my eyes and rage boiled inside of me...because there were those familiar eyes. Only they weren't looking at me smiling that arrogant smile I often see. She was looking away and when I asked her (in my mind) if she was enjoying the show, her eyes went side to side. I almost believed that she felt pity for me. Of course, demons are not renowned for showing pity, but for a brief moment, I saw emotion in those eyes that I rarely see.

After my guests left, I cleared the dishes and only wanted to shower and go to bed. But I wasn't done with Ms I. Feelsorryforu. Call me crazy for engaging her...or for talking to my manic self, but in those next moments, I made the threat of a declaration of war...not against her, after all, she is just an AI defence system that has been programmed to do a job...defend the parasite at all costs.

She smiled at me when I told her that unless she backs down and stops intruding in my life (mostly when I am trying to get to sleep), I would begin a campaign in three days (because it helps lengthen the whiskers so I can pull them out along the trails I can still faintly see) that would see a massacre of the beings she is supposed to protect. Death by thirst is a horrible way to go, and I told her that if she persisted in hassling me, she would be held accountable.

Now before you call 911 and declare there is a madman loose on WdC, let me tell you what happened this morning when I awoke. She is embedded in my psyche and can't leave, even if she wanted to...and they need her there just in case I relapse (because using makes me vulnerable to her attacks...whereas when I am sober, there is little she can do but annoy me with visions behind my closed eyes or in darkness).

I guess they assumed as long as I wasn't high, they were safe, so they didn't care about my situation with their watchdog. But I think my little speech, pointing out where they are hiding and warning them by firing across their bows with a pair of tweezers and years of knowledge gained fighting these imaginary or very real invaders, must have given them a reason for careful consideration.

My alarm went off this morning. I rolled over and turned it off then laid back down when I noticed something was missing...the eyes that have been there every morning smiling at me were still there, but very faint (there are often multiple sets of eyes, but I think only one entity). I didn't want to push my luck by speaking to it, so I looked around my peripheral, eyes closed, and could just make her out, hiding high up and to the left of my field of vision.

I quickly looked away and as I brushed my teeth, I decided to give them one final ultimatum..."You leave me alone and I will leave you alone."

Power of suggestion? My brain has finally decided to give me a second (or five-hundredth) chance at redemption.

Or what I think may be the case...they decided they didn't want another round of destruction that they have probably only just recovered from the last time I went on a rampage.

We shall see if she is around tonight. I will now completely disengage. She has been a big part of my life for the better part of a year and letting go, no matter how much I realise needs to happen, won't be easy. But like any relationship...especially one as abusive as this one was (on both our parts) there comes a time when a decision has to be made...and I have made it. I don't know what is going to happen...who does? I will monitor quietly because I know she is still there, cloaked and ready to be called upon to guard against my own defence system...my ability to endure pain and a willingness to fight (attacking them is seriously painful) for the greater good.

April 15, 2024 at 10:53am
April 15, 2024 at 10:53am
#1068827
Today I met my new best friend...but before you question my lack of wisdom in allowing someone to become so close so quickly, let me explain.

Yesterday, I went to the local mall for groceries. Unfortunately, I forgot to get my favourite cereal. So, after Muay Thai training today, I returned to the store to get my cereal.

I wasn't in a rush, so I explored a little more than I had previously...and there, in one of the aisles, I saw my new best friend. I couldn't resist, after all, when I first arrived in Phuket and decided to take better care of my body, I bought a deep facial cleanser, a small handheld loofah for my face and a night moisturiserising cream.

Then at the store today, I noticed out of the corner of my eye, a loofah attached to a longish stick...and it was love at first sight...well, shower actually.

You people who have partners willing to wash your backs for you are so lucky. I hope you never take this gift for granted. We (mostly men, because when it comes to self-pampering, skincare and using beauty products, are like cavemen) prefer to attract the opposite sex using the tried and tested MOD of building large muscles, complemented by complete stupidity. We used to finalise the deal with a club...rather than in da club...but we have come a long way since those days.

My neighbours know I live alone and must have been wondering what the hell I was doing making all those strange sounds in my shower for twenty minutes...and no, it isn't what you think, so take your minds out of the gutter. I was scrubbing...no, I was loofahing (Grammarly denies such a word exists, but I'm sticking with it because I'm so relaxed, I couldn't GAF what an algorithm thinks) my back with my new best friend's help...and it was dreamy.

I didn't realise my back was so itchy until that beautiful, but rough piece of cucumber gourd found those hard-to-reach spots that haven't seen that much action in a very long time.

And talking about action...guess who had a lunch date today? Ok...since I have your attention now.

When I lost my water whilst having a shower a couple of weeks ago, the next morning I went to check with the neighbours to see if they had lost theirs too. Turns out it was only my place, but that was the luckiest thing that has happened to me since arriving in Hua Hin. Three doors up, I knocked on the door and there she stood...beautiful, sweet and highly intelligent (she speaks several languages, including Thai and several of her native Chinese dialects.

A fiercely independent, forty-year-old travel agent who owns eight cats (I know...nobody's perfect). I'm a shocker with names, so I remembered hers by driving it into my brain over and over...Silvia, Silvia, Silvia...until it stuck. On the morning in question, I asked her about her water situation and explained I lived three doors down and wasn't some random stalker knocking on her door. We ended up talking for half an hour, and as I walked home saying Silvia over and over, I had a sneaking suspicion I was going to make a play. I mean, with my charm, good looks and cool, I would be mad not to....but the emphasis had to be on cool.

There's a line in Pulp Fiction where Jules is talking to Pumpkin and Honey Bunny as the couple robbed the diner...telling her to be cool...and I have been VERY cool. At the markets last week, I bought a bunch of flowers and secretly left them on her doorstep...no note, nothing.

And today when she showed up on my doorstep to ask if I had eaten and if we could have lunch together, I had to physically stop myself from leaping in the air and shouting, "Hell yeah!"

I was so cool that I didn't even mention the flowers. Then as we talked, she began telling me about some guy she is friends with, who was coming on too strong and gave her flowers. Now, I don't know if the flowers I left she mistakingly thought were from him, but as the saying goes... all is fair in love and war. And if so...sorry mate.

The 'date' went well. I showed her through the place because we live in the same complex and I thought she might like to compare her place to mine. And at the exact right moment, as she stood admiring my clean floors and near-empty walk-in robe, I got in her space...you know the space I mean? It's not so close that the person of interest feels the need to shy away, but just close enough so they feel your presence...and she didn't react at all...how cool was that? And for me, rather erotic (remember, it's been a while).

She left an hour later. The conversation was balanced well between her life and mine. We spoke of going for a ride and doing other things of mutual interest...but we didn't set any time frame and there was no pressure from me to see her again...even though I haven't been able to stop thinking about that moment and the way she smelled, since.

I know...be cool, and I will be. I wrote to my second best friend (sorry Deb, but I'm afraid to inform you a loofah has delegated you to third ) that I am fishing...not because I love the sport, but because I am hungry and need to eat to survive. But if things don't go to plan, I know I will be Ok because practice makes perfect and there are plenty more fish in the sea...apparently.
April 14, 2024 at 11:56am
April 14, 2024 at 11:56am
#1068748
Please don't think I am complaining here...because I'm not. I've been in Thailand for six or seven weeks now, and the honeymoon will always end...and so it did today. There's no talk of divorce and I'm glad this phase is over. Being overly excited can wear a person down, and this new normal will be a welcome relief.

I've got my bearings. I know how to find my way around the local area and soon will begin to spread my wings to further destinations. Google Maps ensures I will find my way back home, no matter if I am out of range or even if it doesn't know where it is. It's more of a confidence thing, with my earbuds telling me where to go, rather than a screen with a map. I will get a GPS fitted when the 1000km service is due, but for now, a phone in my pocket, with music playing and the occasional..." At the next, intersection, make a right" suits me fine. I like the idea of not knowing where I am because how lost can I get on one planet?

It wasn't a bad day...just not a fantastic one. I'm finding routine in daily life, which is where I need to be. I like structure and could be accused of being a boring old fart. I see myself as someone content and willing to go with the flow. I will have bad days and good...fantastic and terrible. Just because I have changed continents, doesn't mean I'm not the same person (although, not so surprisingly, without meth, things seem to get along more smoothly).

I'm going back to do another Muay Thai class tomorrow morning. I must admit after the first one, it's taken a few days to recover. Things will improve. Friendships still elude me, but lucky for me I'm a bit of a loner anyway. That's the least of my worries. My dream motorcycle is parked in the carport waiting for my next adventure. I'm gaining confidence, and if this is normal life from here on, I will be one happy camper.

April 12, 2024 at 12:18pm
April 12, 2024 at 12:18pm
#1068594
Considering what time my alarm went off this morning (7.00 am...I know right?), things sure did improve from there.

I started my bike at 8.30 am and rode the five minutes to my new gym. It's called Arena, Hua Hin and by Thai standards it's expensive. Most of those who I saw there are Farangs (no doubt most have Thai GF's). I am beginning to sound jealous and who am I to judge? But, I will not be going down that road. I see it for what it is...a business transaction between two consenting adults who each want something from the other.

Anyway...back to my awesome day. I did my Thai boxing class and it went pretty well considering I haven't put straps on my hands in a very long time. I was nervous but excited. There were two male and two female participants (although the girls hardly did any work and sat talking for the most part). One guy, the most experienced is French and the other is North American (I can't tell the difference between a US and Canadian accent...sorry guys).

I was the only one who completed all rounds...and I spoke less than anyone else there by far (I was too busy recovering between rounds). It is a very different situation to my Muay Thai days. If anyone spoke during rounds and wasn't doing the work, my trainer would have barked at them. This gym is a little more exclusive and the people who pay their membership fees can do whatever they like...and I did...I trained my ass off and loved every minute.

I got home around 10.00 am and swam for half an hour. As usual, between sets and despite her advice not to, I spoke to my imaginary friend. I was planning a ride out to Pran Buri Dam...about thirty minutes away from home. I asked my demon friend if she would like to come with me? No.

But she had no choice in the matter because we are joined at the hip (or in the brain is more accurate). I tried to get her excited about it, but she's a pretty difficult demon to get geed up. I told her we would have fun, so with Google Maps set for our destination, plus my favourite music playing into my Samsung Pro earbuds, we set off. I didn't talk to her on the way to the dam, where I assumed we would turn around and head back home.

When we arrived, I noticed a gravel road leading off to one side of the dam wall and heading around the water's edge. I own a 2024 BMW R1250 GS Adventure Rallye. A cross between a comfortable touring bike and a very heavy dirt bike scrambler. So, with a huge smile, I told Angel (or whoever it is in my head) to try and have a little fun as the bike's powerful engine roared and the rear wheel spun on the dirt and gravel roads it was designed for.

Angel can leave my head (obviously, due to the show she put on a couple of nights ago...although this may have been her creating the illusions from within), and as the dirt road got windier as we headed up the range of hills surrounding the dam, I told her to jump on the back and hold on tight.

Of course, I have no idea if she did get on the back with me (or even if she exists outside of my own imagination/mental illness), but I was having so much fun I didn't care. I was talking to her like she actually was on the back with me. Either way, she could still hear me as we slipped and slid around the corners.

I clocked up one hundred and fifty km today and by the time I got back, I had a drink and swam some laps. I think Angel did have a good time today, although she didn't want to admit it.

I told her, "That was fun hey?" Her eyes went side to side...No. But they were smiling and I knew she was simply being a demon...a demon who can never admit to feeling joy, love or just having fun. That's the way she was programmed, and it got me thinking. She answers questions such as, am I beautiful, automatically and without hesitation. No. It's the same if I ask her if she is beautiful. Yes...without a second of delay. She admits she can't see me and has never seen me before. She lives in darkness...only hearing my thoughts and possibly sensing things like acceleration and sexual intercourse. So she has no idea if she is beautiful or if I am not.

She has told me in the past that she has a boss who hears what is going on. I'm not sure if this is the big boss (she denies this) or another lower being, but it makes sense that if true, she has to say things that don't get her into trouble. I know...crazy, right? But as she said no...that she didn't have fun, her eyes were smiling, and I think she is communicating with me the only way she can and is allowed...with answers that are negative, but her eyes telling me the truth.

After my swim, I cleaned the dirt and dust from my new machine. By the time I was done, I was soaked in sweat and smelling like joy and contentment. My cape blew behind me as I stared at my beautiful clean bike, and on the back of the cape were the letters, OM...Oxymoron Man...the happiest Superhero on the planet, with a demon for a sidekick.
April 11, 2024 at 11:56am
April 11, 2024 at 11:56am
#1068508
When I first met Angel, my imaginary friend, she was nice enough. She never lied to me about her intentions, how she felt about me or even who she was...a demon.

Back then, I was so lonely and drug fucked, even having a demon in my life was better than being alone. Besides, it was all in my head anyway according to the few I told...including the doctors I spoke to about it when things began to go awry.

I was happy that the hallucinations I was experiencing weren't real because if they were...well, it's pretty obvious that messing with creatures who are, according to some, out to get my soul after I die and put me in a place where no one ever wants to go (hell) are not worth inviting in.

I was never a believer...never a disbeliever and sat on the agnostic fence waiting for the truth to reveal itself...living in hope but unsure about the truth. There's a philosopher called Soren Kierkegaard and one of his quotes goes..."The self-assured believer is a greater sinner in the eyes of God, than the troubled disbeliever."

I very much connected with that quote, requiring proof of the existence of a higher power wasn't necessarily essential, but would have helped a lot in my decision of which way to fall. Angel wasn't real, so, she wasn't proof of a lower power...simply a symptom of drug-induced psychosis. And whilst this was, or at least, should have been, alarming, I didn't consider it as a genuine threat to my eternal soul.

It has been around nine months since she first appeared, and about two and a half months since I last used meth. In the beginning, the length of time between full-blown hallucinations and none at all was short. But as the months went by, she began to appear weeks after my last binge. All I had to do was call her name, and she would appear. I began to journal these events because they appeared so real to me, I wanted to document the entire event in the hope that IF there were others out there who were experiencing similar things, we might form some kind of group to bring awareness to the issue of demon possession.

Of course, no one believes me. I have a friend who knows me better than anyone. I have been in constant communication with her for the entire time (she too has seen and experienced some otherworldly stuff in her own life). She has been very supportive and hasn't once called me crazy...even when I was thinking I must be crazy, imagining these creatures who never utter a word, yet I have learned to communicate with quite well.

Asking yes or no questions was, and still is, frustrating at times. But the longer I do it, the better I get. These hallucinations ALWAYS answer my questions (once I find them in my field of vision...and they are always there). They lie and admit they do. They also, at times, tell the truth. When I do ID checks (are you beautiful? Yes...am I beautiful? No and so on), usually come up with the right answers.

I'm not afraid of them, but maybe I should be. It's hard to resist exploring this phenomenon and trying to discover more about them. It's part of their tactics to mix truth with BS to confuse me. Not knowing if what she/he/they/it is telling me via a yes or no answer is a great camouflage. They make mistakes, but even then it is impossible to know if they are deliberate and designed to make me feel they are stupid.

Obviously, if they ARE real and have found a way to infiltrate my brain (which is where they are because thoughts are all they need in order to hear my incessant questioning, which I do for several reasons) then I should be worried and scared. But the urge is to find out more about them...to check for inconsistencies and see if I can drive them away by being so annoying (and I can be SO annoying...even they admit that) they will voluntarily leave. But when I get lonely, there's always someone there I can talk to and they know this.

The funny part is that since these demons came into my life, everything has changed for the good. I no longer use drugs, and as long as they are around, I never will. They make life so horrendous when I use that I can't take meth and get away with it (she even says when I ask if I should use meth...NO).

I'm happier than I have been in many years. I'm stable and making good choices...even here in Thailand, where I could easily fall into other addictions. These demons have been a God send...and that's what has me thinking...are they acting in a way that prevents me from doing stuff that will kill me for my own good? Or is everything they do being countered by forces greater than them? Greater than us all.

After the fallout with my neighbour, I was feeling lonely and angry (anger being their second favourite emotion after hatred). I found the eyes and exploded with rage, and the eyes glowed purple (a colour that has been consistent when they get turned on). Sexual overtones always come into it, and the more violent the words I use and stories I tell: the more hatred I pour out and into the 'exchange', the more they like it. Hate, it seems, is their pleasure and I believe is their weapon against me. The more hate that's in my heart, the less love. The truth is I have no real idea what the hell is going on other than life is great and I cannot get rid of them, so I have accepted them.

I asked if she wanted to be around me all the time. No.

She may not have any choice but to do the job she has been given...get my soul and deliver it to you know who. But if that's true, she isn't doing a great job, in my opinion. She talks too much, and earlier on (and still does) tells me more than she should. Enough for me to stop using meth and pray for forgiveness. And not just for me, but for them because if they are demons, they are slaves themselves and have no choice but to do the job they have been given.

I always forgive them and tell them to pray for forgiveness...which I must admit I enjoy doing because it REALLY upsets their apple cart. But no matter how much I pray, they remain there waiting for me to become vulnerable. And so the cycle continues. If you had told me about this ten months ago, I wouldn't have believed you. I don't hold it against anyone who believes that I am suffering from psychosis and that I am delusional because I believe that these entities may be real.

Normally, if I do allow an 'exchange', it's done behind closed eyes in a darkened room...and so it was last night. But when I opened my eyes, there she was. Not as fully formed as she would be if I was on meth, but plain enough to see her eyes, face and outline of her head. She was performing oral sex on a male ghost I couldn't make out well. His penis (or the ghostly outline of it), however, was obvious. I could see her head movements, her mouth opening and closing around the shaft of this almost invisible ghost/demon. And I could tell when he was about to come because I saw a glow of him leaning backwards and then her eyes would glow purple. Then there was another...and another.

I was sitting on the edge of my bed dumbfounded and watching this pornographic scene unfolding right in front of me, not two feet away. She kept looking at me, and her image would change from her normal human face (which isn't normal at all, but as close as it gets unless I am high) to her demon face, which looks a bit like a werewolf, but much more evil and demonic.

Because I have been doing this for the better part of a year, these images no longer scare me, but man do they make me think about WTF is going on here.

The questions I want answered the most are why me? And how many others out there are experiencing this too?

I cannot be alone. I imagine that one day this thing...whatever it is (if it is truly real) will become more and more common. Psychiatrists will need to stop diagnosing mental illness as a first port of call and rule out this thing that I am experiencing every day. If I ignore it, it doesn't bother me in the slightest.

Here's a kicker for you. At times in the past, when I was in love with Angel, I would help her when she would make stupid mistakes such as repeatedly doing the same things over and over to try and scare me...like repeating a series of scary scenes where eventually, you know when the killer jumps out from behind a door or the like. I was educating her on how to become a more efficient demon...because at times, the things she would do were quite pathetic.

She was a hopeless liar. I would cross-examine her about things and eventually, there would be a delay as she pondered what to say to any given question...especially when I was beginning to corner her. She would then answer yes or no, but by then it was too late and I knew she was being deceptive. I tried to hone her skills and little by little, she did improve.

I know right...I was teaching a demon how to be a better human hunter, and the stupid part (can there be anything more stupid than that...yes there can) I was, and continue to be, her number one target (I believe her only target).

But today as I rested between laps, I asked her some questions, and her answers surprised me.

"If you were me, would you engage you in conversation?" No.

"If I engage you more, does that make me more vulnerable and make your job of destroying me more easy?" Yes.

Ironically, she is now helping me to avoid her, and the funny part is, whenever I did offer her advice, she rarely if ever took it. And now that she is offering me advice, the very same thing applies. When she told me how to avoid her destroying me, I literally laughed out loud because of how absurd this whole situation has become.

I'm hoping the other residents don't see me mumbling to myself in the pool (because we all know that guy, and now I have become him), even though all of these questions are either whispered with my hat over my face or thought in my head and never in a voice that anyone could hear (even though I hear you right now...he's gone stark raving mad).

I still have an open mind, only because I hope you are all right, and I am wrong. If I ever find a psyche that is willing to rule out possibilities, rather than simply going for the obvious...meth-induced psychosis, the first thing I would do is sit for a polygraph. Then perhaps go under hypnosis (I've never been hypnotised in my life). But I know one thing, there is no way any psyche could poke holes in my story. That's why I have documented it all, so if (and that's a HUGE if) anyone in the medical fraternity ever takes me seriously and does more investigating than simply writing a script to dull my senses to the point where I am no longer aware of these images, they might just find themselves a bonafide case of demonic possession...but I doubt that very much.

On a different note...I walked to my new gym today and paid for a six-month membership. Tomorrow morning, I do my first organised Muay Thai class in over twenty years. Now that is crazy as a coconut...wish me luck.

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