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 |  This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters. |
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| When I last visited Thailand in 2018, I bought a gold ring. It was only a nine-carot pinky ring, but I loved it because it reminded me of my first trip to this wonderful country. How ironic it is that about a week ago, it went missing. I have no idea what happened to it. It may have come off while I was swimming in the pool, or perhaps while washing my hands on the trip to Bangkok. In any case, it's gone and I don't think I will ever see it again. I try to think about it like this...someone somewhere would have found it, and now the ring belongs to them. If I was meant to keep the ring, God wouldn't have allowed it to slip unknowingly from my finger and I would still be the owner. Tonight, as I walked along Patong Beach marketplace, I noticed a jewellery store, and something drew me to it. I've walked past so many since I realised the ring was missing, but tonight I walked into that particular store and found a replacement ring. Not only did I find a new ring, but I met a beautiful girl who I instantly took a liking to. She is Islamic (that in itself pretty much rules me out), but there was something in the way she looked at me that got my heart racing. What I am doing right now is practising...flirting with any girl (except bar girls) who crosses my path and shows me a smile that is genuine. I can tell which is which through years of being single (which hones certain skills in detecting real from fake). I'm having fun being single AND looking...just looking without any real need to find someone. Because of addiction, and the shame that brought...and my commitment to care for my mother and not wanting to be torn between having that responsibility and finding romantic love, my vibe has for a very long time, been pushed down, rather than what it is now...inviting and carefree. In Australia, I was an addict (I still am, but it just feels very different here in Thailand). Back then, in my own mind, I was unworthy of love (in a romantic sense). But now, in a country where age is not looked at in the same way, and the people I am flirting with (hopefully) see me as something more than just a middle-aged man desperate for attention from much younger women...but rather someone who could provide security and a lifestyle that will not be seen by someone from my own country, who likely hasn't lived in constant poverty...a person who struggles every single day just to get by. And I like that idea. I want someone who hasn't been spoiled by Western privilege (I understand that there are poor in every society...but third-world poverty is simply not the same, in my opinion). I like the idea of meeting someone who has known real hardship...someone who has little opportunity to escape the life they live. I want a girl who works hard and still has hope for her future, with or without me and what I bring to the table. If God wants me to meet her, she will appear; if not, I will be fine with that too. But in the meantime, it feels good to be putting myself out there on a daily basis, after so many years of being invisible, ignored and looked at as an old man who isn't worthy of love (which was not only felt by me from others but from my own thoughts whenever I looked in the mirror). Since arriving in Thailand, I've walked every day...and there have been days when I could hardly make it up the ramp to the hotel foyer. Early on, I bought a facial cleanser, a loofah and a night moisturising cream. I have used them every day. Now, instead of shame and self-doubt, I consider myself the prize. I know there is some lucky girl out there who will see me...like a fossicker who works hard every day searching for a diamond among the dirt and rocks lying on the ground. And hopefully, she will see the glint that is in my eye. And as she puts that tiny stone in her mouth to wash off the grime and discovers she has found a gem...the one she has been searching for her entire life, I will never let her feel anything but love, appreciation, commitment and the desire to make that relationship more and more special every day. There is something to be said about being alone for so long. It has given me time to reflect on the mistakes I made. The things that I miss...like having someone to care for. To simply feel someone's skin against my own. To be looked at the way I want to be looked at. To have someone to share this new life with me, and not spending the days and nights alone anymore, is a dream I feel is worth pursuing...but not a necessity |
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