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 |  This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters. |
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| There are many benefits to being on one's own. Never having to compromise is one. Arguments with myself occasionally happen, but I almost always win and get my way (which is a double-edged sword). Preparing food for one and cleaning up afterwards is relatively easy in comparison. I would say that I do what I want whenever I want, but that would be a lie. It would be nice to have someone to talk to right now, but with no friends nearby (and those I left behind in Australia being hours behind my timeline), that is not an option. I don't find making friends easy. Truth stamps the seal of disapproval on most of the people I meet...and that goes both ways. And the rest? I am going to have to assume because I don't know the reasons why I can't seem to warm to people (or them to me). My neighbour is an alcoholic and that friendship was bound to fail. My American friend, who came to my rescue the first night I took my bike for a ride and dropped it, has stopped messaging me. We have very different core values and some are too hard to ignore (like him sending me pictures of the prostitutes he is 'dating' and having a huge 'TRUMP' banner across his front door (he has his right to express his political beliefs, as I have my right to reject them). He has unprotected sex with these girls and when I questioned his behaviour, asking if he gets tested for STIs and HIV regularly, didn't sit well with him. "I don't have AIDS." was his response. And when I asked him how he knew this...well, that was the beginning of the end...for both of us. The Australian couple who came for dinner last week I haven't heard from since. I guess listening to me vomit for half an hour whilst they entertained themselves must have been too much to get over. It seems running away from my problems in Australia isn't as easy as I had hoped. I have made progress on my attitude towards relapse...and that is it ain't never gonna happen. Psychosis has ensured that, and although I wish I wasn't still seeing the hallucinations, I am hopeful that the appointment I've made with a doctor on the 11th will relieve the symptoms that continue to plague me. As far as that goes, Angel is still around and just as annoying as ever. I should be grateful that it is only annoying, and that she is not causing me any extreme issues. During the day I ignore her, and at night, so long as I have a disposable mask by my bed for when she breathes into my mouth (which always makes me cough), all she can do is project ridiculous images of a photographic nature onto my field of vision. They are easily avoided by looking elsewhere, and after a while, I fall asleep. It's certainly not a perfect life, but still, as long as I don't use meth and focus on the positives, I know things will improve with time. I've only been in Hua Hin for a month, but as my friend Kare Enga stated recently, ex-pats are not the most friendly people here in Thailand. I do wonder why this is so. It makes no sense to me to be standoffish with others who have also come to a new country to rebuild their lives. Perhaps that is all we have in common...without doubt, it is if we never even say hello to each other, let alone talk about why we chose to relocate. I feel blessed to have this chance at a new life. Of course, there will always be things we want more of...or less of. If that's even possible because more things tend to bring more issues...and fewer things won't always bring fewer issues. Tonight, I will watch YouTube videos by one of my favourite philosophers, Prem Rawat, to try and lift my spirits. In one of his talks, he asks the audience what they consider important. Careers? Flash cars? Relationships? Then he smiles like the Cheshire Cat, before taking a deep breath. "That," he says, "Is the most important thing anyone can do...everything else is secondary." And whilst philosophy is a great life teacher and guide, it isn't going to solve my problems for me. Only I can do that by being patient and never giving up trying to find a better version of myself...which when you think about it, is a lifelong quest that only when we take our final breaths, will we know if we achieved our goal. |
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