I really enjoyed this, particularly their dialogue immediately after she tells him.
"Say something."
"You're pregnant."
"I know that. Say something else."
It was so real and palpable! Plus, I absolutely abhor when people say "oh I have something to tell you, but not until later" so I totally understood David's insistence on discussing it right then and there. Very well done!
I just came across this piece, and thus have not read chapters 1 or 2. I must say, technically, this is a wonderfully written piece! Your attention to detail is wonderful!
Hi, I'm writing this review on behalf of The Writer's Garden.
This is a beautiful story. Absolutely beautiful. I wish I could say something more coherent than that, but I really can't.
THE STORY
Greg returns home to try to catch up with his high school sweetheart, who has abruptly stopped writing letters to him after he joined the military. He finds out from her mother that she has gone to the movies and tracks her down. At first she is not responsive but after he pleads, she agrees to go somewhere and talk with him.
Allison has dumped him because since her enrollment in college, she has become anti-war (or anti-Afghanistan War?) and does not want to be with Greg, who is fighting a cause she doesn't believe in. Greg believes the military is helping the Afghan people, and it becomes clear that they will never see eye to eye on this point, so they spend the remainder of their time reminiscing.
Despite everything, Allison comes to realize that she is still very much in love with Greg, and is heartbroken when he leaves, knowing that she cannot be with him. I'm not sure if Greg left understanding why Allison broke things off with him, but is comforted in knowing that she still cares about him in some way.
ATMOSPHERE
The whole piece is tense, in a hopeful but scary way. Greg wants so desperately to see Allison, but he seems afraid to really talk to her. They seem to spend the night dancing around what they are really thinking.
THOUGHTS
Again, I think this was really well done. I wanted one of them to come out and just say what they were really thinking/feeling, but it seems more real this way. There are moments when we have so much to say, but we just chicken out. As much as I wanted these two to resolve their issues, it was much more beautiful this way.
SUGGESTIONS
Despite a few typos, I had to rate this a five. The typos were the only issues I had with the whole piece:
1st line: "marquee" is misspelled.
When they first get to the apartment, should be "Daisy's parents" not "Daisy's parent's"
I would have liked to know more about why Greg joined the military. Was it financial? Did he really believe in the causes of the war? It doesn't matter the way you've done it, it was just a question for me since it seemed to be an issue.
I want to say that I would have liked to know a little more about Allison, why she was so abrupt in not even writing a Dear John letter, but again, I think it works the way you've done it, I just want to know more about these two.
The story itself is intriguing and leaves you with many questions. The writing is clear, but my biggest overall critique is that it could use a lot more description. There's so much focus on the action, that there's not a lot of character development - as a reader I don't really feel connected to any of the characters because I don't really know anything about them. If fleshed out this could be an amazing piece. And I'm still curious as to what happens next!
I really liked this! I find myself fascinated by the way people socially interact(or not) these days. You cut right to the heart of the matter!
I loved these lines especially:
"No experience but ‘cause they breathe, they think it’s right to say they’re living"
and
"dishonesty’s the world’s greatest addiction"
Very powerful!!!! Certainly makes me think! Great job!
This is beautiful. I wish I could give a more substantive review, but that is truly all I can say.
The second verse made me cry. Yikes!!
I don't read enough poetry to say whether this is "technically" right - form, rythym, etc. I think that maybe you could work on where your lines end (i.e. lines 3 & 4 - line 4 should probably start with "or shocked" instead of being the end of line 3). I don't know if that's a "thing" in poetry but it's my only critique.
But I really don't even care. This is the kind of poem that makes me wish I could write poetry.
Oooh song lyrics! Song lyrics were my first love of written word - I've been dancing along to liner notes since I was 6 years old!! What instrument is this for?
Most of your lines are 12-syllables, but there are a couple of places where you go past that:
Line 4 (I would take out "shaded")
Line 6 (I think you need another word for condescending)
Line 12 & 13 - both too long to squeeze the words out in time
Line 14 I would use "are" instead of "it is"
Is the lack of hook intentional? Or are you going to add it later? I like the last verse as a hook.
Overall, I love this song. Maybe because it could have been written about me!
This was a very creative story! Very timely and just a fascinating idea.
I was immediately hooked by the concept, and stayed hooked until the end. The plot devices you developed again and again were great and made for a really entertaining story. I'm not one for whom plot twists come easily, but I must say you've done an excellent job here of keeping the story moving - and moving well.
My strongest critique would be of the voice of the narrator. There are times when it reads like someone told him "just the facts ma'am". There's little emotional connection, because the narrator sort of flits to technological developments (like in chapter 3) or lists a series of disasters (like chapters 6-7). I can get why some of this is necessary, but without describing them there's no chance for the reader feels like he/she was there. Again, your use of plot is so well done that this becomes secondary, but I do think it's something you can work on.
I also think you could have tightened up some of the details. For example, Carolyn got a job as a "PR rep for the government". This is very very broad. Another point is that The Attack took down everything that had been connected to the internet within 6 months. That doesn't explain how military aircraft were up and running soon enough to get the troops home. Or how in the aftermath power grids/water/phone service was established so quickly, seeing as how they would have been absolutely wiped out.
All things considered I think it's a captivating story that you certainly have room to do a lot more with if you want. Overall this was very entertaining.
I don't usually review poetry. I find it hard to critique such a style or even to know when it's good. It's like obscenity - you know it when you see it. And this - this is just great! Comparing hearts to toys - beautiful!
There was one line that threw me off: in the 4th verse - "a living doll not just a toy"; it's disjointed, it doesn't seem to relate to the rest of the verse. Still, you've managed to really capture something and I think it's beautiful.
The writing is beautiful. As someone with first-hand experience :-/ you capture exactly the panic of being frozen with fear yet desperate to do something.
By the time the story ends, I'm left confused. Also, the first body of 3rd person writing seems unconnected to the 1st person writing. This may very well be intentional, and I think it is, but I wanted to point it out in case. However, because of that, there is almost too much emotion here without any context. For instance, if you know Jane is sad because her boyfriend broke up with her, then reading extended descriptions of how she felt makes sense. But on the other hand, when you have no idea what's going on, to read through it - even though you've written it wonderfully - is overwhelming.
I think you're a great writer and are excellent at creating an emotional picture!
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 10:29am on Nov 05, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
As much as I wanted these two to resolve their issues, it was much more beautiful this way.