I really liked the concept of this story, it could be longer though. I like the way you put the dog in the story too. But some of it seem unrealistic, like if the body was only across the street why didn't the officers find her without the dog. I would have made it even longer by explaining how worried the girl's mom is and calling the coroners, setting up the crime scene and dusting for fingerprints. Who was the murderer? How was she killed? I think if the very end where they find the body was revised it would be a lot better. Also in my opinion it would sound better to name the girl in dialogue like, "We have a missing persons report for an Ashley...", it just sounds better to me. I really liked how you used the badge for his inspiration, I've never thought a badge like an inspiration just something detective flash before storming into your house.
The best part to me was when you used words like keeper of heaven, turnkey of hell. It's really descriptive. The person who wrote this must fear God and judgement day. But this line: Your eyes offer no remorse, no sympathy, no love. Makes God seem to be very cold and unloving. It's descriptive and it's really good at making me picture judgement day.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/aaronh96
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 4:20am on Nov 25, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
