Thank you for sharing. I sensed the honesty and caring in your description of the final hours you spent with your mother. My mother is 96 and lives with my husband and me. I sometimes wonder how the end will come but like you, I know that she led a life of love and happiness, doing what she and my father liked to do while he was alive. You put a lot of thought and feeling into a few short paragraphs.
While offering a thoughtful outlook on the passing of a loved one, you also left space to expand on and share with others.
Your writing is clear and concise with a flow from beginning to end that makes sense to me.
Your title caught my interest so I had to continue reading -that's a good point, right? The flow of the two conversations made the piece fit together. I found that the minister's remarks brought the story together, especially the ending. Humor at the end made me say "Amen"! I really enjoyed the way you brought the short story to life.
I really enjoyed reading this piece. Your writing definitely captured the meaning/feeling of this song. Even if I had not heard this song, I would know what it was about just by reading this. And you are so right, ordinary people can celebrate and dance regardless of the skill is a great way to do just that. This sounds like good song lyrics to me. It was very enjoyable to read.
I came across this entry on the "Read a Newbie" site and thought I would respond as a learning exercise for both of us. I am a bit confused, is an introduction for a novel? I would like more information so that I know where the piece is going.
You need to take a look at your sentence structure. For example, "My name is Alice. I am like the solar system, vast and confusing. I am especially obsessed with the planet, Pluto, the odd one out." But I am also like other ordinary teenagers, I want friends." Well, I am sure you see where I am going.
The idea sounds interesting but needs to be flushed out more. I liked the idea that a teenage girl would describe herself as "Pluto", the odd planet out. I believe that if you work from this perspective, your story would relate well to how young girls feel and how they relate to all the changes in their life.
You are working with an interesting storyline. Keep writing. I would be interested in reading more.
Well done! The subject matter very much interested me. I particularly appreciated how you handled the subject matter. The intro did help to set this essay in context. It told the reader what to expect. The discussion of what is an old friend expanded my thoughts on how the intangibles in our lives affect us as much as the people and things we can touch.
I have little to say on the technical side other than to mention that some of the sentences are very long. I have always been called out for doing this. I do try to break up thoughts into shorter sentences but sometimes it just doesn't work. You obviously understand punctuation and paragraphing. These are two of the areas that I often find are problems for writers.
I look forward to reading more of your work. Thank you.
I found this piece very compelling, poignant even. I can imagine a person at the end of their life writing something like this. To me, it seemed very real.
I think the first phrase: It's a new dawn... should have had quotation marks since it is actually a line from a song. I am not sure why you put quotation marks around the phrase Nothing more... Is this also a quote from something? Indenting the paragraphs would help with the flow and make it easier to read. Also, I believe it is more correct to spell a number at the beginning of a sentence. Though it is usually expected that you should be consistent with how they are written, i.e if you spell one you spell all of them. I don't think this would work here since you are using 21st as a transition. Maybe you could start the sentence with "Having 2..."
I wish you much success in your writing career on this site.
Ok, I have to admit I enjoy satire. Actually, your take on the subject matter proves that there is always some truth lurking within satire. While I know this is probably a very impractial solution to saving us from climate change and an ineffective prison system, I have to admit it was an interesting take on the subject.
Adding real statistics to the piece gave it some creditability and led me to continue reading. The paragraphing might need a little work, but that is always a question for me. It would be helpful for you to consider increasing the work size to 3.5 or 4. That would have made this easier to read.
I enjoyed reading this piece. You seemed to capture your feelings in an interesting way. It was easy to follow the events as you described them. I could see this as part of a story with a little more work.
The reason that I review is to learn different genres used on this site. You have given me another way of expressing thoughts and ideas. I will have to try this style sometime. For now, I am blogging, or trying to.
I would suggest that you use either 3.5 or 4 as a size for your writing since it is easier to read. There are some grammatical errors you might want to take a look at though. I would leave out "Maybe it was just an excuse to stop for coffee." I would say "While Yelp gave me many options, I settled on a Wildflower Reserve...." I like the phrase: "primarily because it was far enough away that it felt like a journey." Then I would say " According to user... wildflowers are best experienced in late-April. Whether kismet or coincidence; no matter, I had a destination."
I see a little typo in the line "I don't know what it (is). Sometimes even Grammarly can't catch these but reading the piece out loud can help. I can appreciate that you are good at putting thoughts in short sentences so you might try re-writing the sentence about the "Trees budding....
I could definitely see this turning into a short story. Thanks for sharing.
Though I only blog, for now, I do appreciate reading the poems and stories on writers on this site. I review to learn about writing in different genres. I am encouraged by these writings and hope to be encouraging to those I review.
Your theme as developed was interesting and thought-provoking. I especially like the phrase: "though they are fallen, they still recall the light they lost".
I don't quite understand the form even though it is free verse, right? The first word in each line is not capitalized though it often starts a sentence with punctuation at the end of the thought. I think the line starting "for" should read "the demons' allure....it's slowly leaching out the light. The lack of use of standard punctuation throughout makes it a little difficult to read with understanding.
Anyway, I thought this poem was creative and enjoyed reading. Hope you enjoy writing on this site.
I am relatively new to this site and so far have only started a blog. It was suggested that I try reviewing to strengthen my writing skills and see what others are doing. So, I give these comments as my attempt to provide feedback.
The title and comment were very interesting. I had never given any thought to feelings about the contents of snow globes. You have given me a concept that I might try to write about.
I was a little confused following the concept. With the first verse, I thought you were talking about the snow. And I am not sure that "broken" globe moves the poem in the direction you were going. I like the idea of writing about the house but you say "used to all this snow" but then the last verse says differently. I really liked the last verse; it said what you wanted to say. It was great.
I am glad that you are on the site. Keep writing and enjoy.
I too am a newbie on this site. I am trying my hand at blogging; no stories or poems yet. I was encouraged to review other writers as a way to fine tune my ability to express myself in writing.
You have a real knack for description. Though you might consider sometimes less is more. You tend to get a little carried away. For example: "Verdant jungles that cover the islands will possess each of the thousand shades of green, and the flowers they bloom...." You probably could have left this sentence out and just wrote: "The rainbow fish will dance in the sunlight...."
You made it easy to follow your thought processes and I was quite drawn into the story. I appreciated the way you ended the piece summarizing the theme.
Overall, I enjoyed reading this story. Keep up the good work.
I too am a newbie and while I have not posted any poetry or short stories yet, I have a blog called "An Oddessy Across the U.S." This too is a work in progress. I am trying to do some reviews to take a more critical look at writing techniques. Hopefully, this will help me fine-tune my writing abilities.
I don't know how much writing you have done in the past but I appreciate your willingness to start this endeavor. While I think there is much work to be done on this piece, I found the concept intriguing. Here are some of my thoughts on the writing of this story:
> The flow would benefit from a review with " Grammarly ". This program could help with punctuation, spelling and sentence structure.
> Sometimes less is more. Too much description that is not part of the plot only confuses the reader.
> Reading the story out loud to yourself will help you identify some of the weaknesses in the overall flow and structure. Of course, reading it to a trusted friend is also very helpful.
> I think you have a very interesting story to be told as you work through this piece. I wish you much success in your writing endeavors. I look forward to reading the rest of this story.
I very much enjoyed reading this poem. The whimsical rhymes made it fun to read. What a creative way to interpret the idea of bunnies delivering eggs at Easter time. The stanzas that read "and the eggs that I carry are more than confection, they also recall the time of resurrection," related this work to this special time of year. Of course, I appreciate that you indicated the eggs were a confection since I never understood why bunnies would bring chicken eggs to children. Very good use of the prompt words. Your last stanza made me laugh. Well actually, it made me groan with delight. You are so good at telling tales, pulling the reader in and then making them laugh, or sigh or just groan. Well done. Thanks for starting my morning with a smile.
I am also a newbie and have decided to work on my writing by reviewing. I admit that I have not written any poetry yet. I am a blogger. This being said, I wanted to comment on your piece: "Peace."
Your poem seems very fitting for Remembrance Day. I thought the description of war related to the soldiers was well written. It drew me in and made me feel the emotion of suffering. You used very descriptive words to build the images of soldiers dying. I especially liked the line: "Soldiers in squalid trenches entrenched all to placate a beast that can not be quenched." It is so true that peace is often the result of much suffering and yet we must hold strong and provide a place for our protectors to belong. Good job with your thought process.
I would like to point out that as a new person to this site, I am wondering about the technique. I see that you started with an abab rhyme but then changed to free verse. This was confusing to me. I would think using one form would be easier to follow. I did appreciate where you did use punctuation. To me, punctuation is important because it helps the reader better understand the thought and flow of the piece. It says to pause here or stop and take a breath. It also helps transition from one thought to another. Obviously, I sometimes have trouble reading free verse but if it has a regular pattern of sound, it is easier to read and understand.
I find that I have to read a poem several times out loud to get the full meaning and beauty of the piece. The more I read and review, the more I think of trying my hand at poetry. I appreciate that you took the time to put your thoughts down on paper this way.
I am new to this site as well and I do not write poems; at least not yet. I am a blogger. However, that being said, Form a content view, I agreed with many of your remarks about life. We should learn to embrace the unexpected. It can allow us to see the beauty in everyday living. As a rule, it is the pain, sorrow, and failures that can teach us much about life and how to succeed. It is true that life lessons can come from anyone and anywhere.
You might want to read your work several times out loud to see if the thought you want to make flows and would make sense to the reader. Less is often better than more. It can help you get your point across to the reader. Remember you are writing to an audience and your goal is to have them understand your thoughts and be able to respond to them even if they don't let you know.
I would suggest using more punctuation to lead the reader even though this is free verse. If you start using punctuation, use it consistently. Also, avoid using terms like "u" instead of you. In the line "Our lords know everything," it should read "Lord."
I admire your stepping out using what I think of as a difficult form in a language that may not be your primary. Keep up the good work.
I am not a poet but I found the form easy to read. I probably would like more as an introduction but that is because I am new at this. I certainly want this poem to continue; I want more. Please keep working on this. You did a very good job using animals and your descriptors. Not sure that will make sense, but hopefully you get my point.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. Much to the point, it sounded like a Dr. Seuss poem. Made me remember all the times I read his books to my daughter and then to my granddaughter. You not only captured enough of the story of each book, but you also honored the author. He was definitely an outstanding writer. Loved the books.
The picture captures the thought of the poem. It almost explains what the poem says. This poem definitely captured the feeling of darkness and despair.
I recognized the story from the start which to me says you used the form and words to convey an often told tale in a very personal way. You made the reader feel the persons pain and suffering and guilt.
The words and thought flowed smoothly, and yes it felt dark, very dark. This is not the type of poetry that I would read before going to bed but still very worth a read.
I always appreciate learning new words like "bloviates". Now I will have to try to use it in a blog, maybe.
Quatrains (aabb) made the poem easier to read, more than some other forms like free verse. It helps the thought progression move smoothly from beginning to end.
But more than learning a new word or finding the rhyme easy to follow, what I really liked was the way that the thought was conveyed: that we depend on the natural world for our survival and that ignoring this reality could someday destroy us or make it impossible to thrive in this world. The thoughts conveyed are compelling and can stimulate discourse between the writer and the reader. And isn't that what writing is about. And your poetry does just that.
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You obviously understand punctuation and paragraphing. These are two of the areas that I often find are problems for writers.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "