I could see only one thing to correct. In the paragraph below: workbench should be one word.
It would jump out at me at any second. I knew this from previous experience. Scanning the shelves for a weapon, I silently assessed my options. I could strangle it with the blow-up pool my kid brother used every summer. I glanced at my foe. No, its sharp metal bits would easily defeat such an attack. The box of Christmas lights caught my attention but I dismissed them immediately. Dad would kill me if I messed with his ability to compete with the Jones’ elaborate house display in winter. My eyes flickered over dad’s work bench and landed on the hammer and nails. A light bulb flashed in my mind. If I could get my hands on just one nail, I could stab the creature to death.
So good for a short funny laugh. It was cute and dad had a good laugh as well as I!
I would like to give you a bunch of things to think about but I didn't find anything
that would be helpful. It was great how you conveyed what you wanted to say in a letter.
Thank you for sharing.
It was great and I was laughing through most of it. I would have to reread it again just to do the
grammatical things but I didn't even notice them. Good job and great short story! Big smile here!
Very nicely done. I felt it all...seems like couples really do that, we do! The only thing I saw was tyres, should be: tires. Other than that, I liked it.
I believe that this will be quite a story if you keep going the way you have written so far. Adelaide is going to be a most interesting character (at least that is what I am hoping). Good luck to you and keep going. Love to see how it turns out! Big Smile here. Anna Banana
Hi Elliot, thanks for sharing your story. What was before chapter 1? Just asking, I really had not noticed that it was chapter 1 until I read on and it didn't have anything to do with what was written prior to that. Another thing is that I didn't see much on what each person looked like actually. I find when I'm writing I want to go with what the character is saying and doing without really telling what they look like. A friend of mine asked me one time is the girl in red pretty? I had to go back and work into the story what each one of them looked like, either at the time of introducing them or slowly throughout the things they were doing. I know what Ferris looked like. Let me know what you think and if I missed anything I followed the different antics that were happening. I would like to follow your journey. All smiles here. Keep going!!
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