This was absolutely perfect and so beautiful. Poignant and melancholy but hopeful. Everything a wonderful poem is and more. The reader feels pulled underneath the waves with your words and suddenly sees the light again.
This was lovely, thank you for the read and for sharing your talent!
This was wonderful! The first line alone captured my attention and then the last stanza just ended perfectly. Excellent poem. Thank you for sharing it.
I will be honest when I say that I didn't like this story, but this is just my personal feelings on the subject matter.
Just because I didn't care for the subject doesn't mean it is not excellent writing, because it is. Your imagery sets the mood, the scene, the emotion. Your descriptors are written in a way that leaves enough for the imagination to kick in. Your rapist/killer also leaves just the right amount of minds eye imagery for the reader.
Very insightful. I liked the style you chose for this as it's nothing like I've seen before but it makes it very unique. You get your point across very nicely.
In the last line, I believe you meant Conquer instead of Concur.
Powerful! Dramatic and engaging. Your imagery set the mood, the tone, and the feel of this writing. The irony is excellent. I would not change a single line. One critique: Last line you have a comma and a space that really isn't needed. It could be just a statement of fact, that would not deter from it's intention.
Beautifully mystic prose! Your imagery in recanting how free one truly feels in this experience is wonderful. Thank you for writing this and sharing your experience!
Greetings! The explanation of your poem is what drew me to it, and I am glad I read it. This is really strong and powerful writing. The story you tell is one of heartache and loss, but there is an underlying cause in this lesson. Excellent job. Just one critique, insert a comma here:..."You see the blood fall(,) your arms upon your pillow"
Keep writing, you have a way of making this piece really stand out!
Hi! This was a wonderful story! You are really a talented storywriter. I smiled the entire time at the four year old's plight. The egg, that was my favorite part! Excellent. I saw only one thing that I had to reread that you may want to check:
"I went so far as to describe to them how one might go about the airborne securing of a red balloon traveling south by southwest at seven knots, although no great aviator I."
Perhaps...although I was no great aviator.
This is beautifully written. You have an extraordinary gift at storytelling, and imagery. Excellent job on this! Keep writing, as it seems to be a healing conduit for you. Channel your energy into the words. I do, and it helps heal me.
Great storyline...Sudden attraction and the like. You describe Izzy with a lot of detail, but we don't know much about Jaime, aside from the touching thing. Also, you're missing a chunk of character with the twins...not sure where they come in yet.
The attraction Jaime feels for Alex is great in the way you wrote it. Your character sketches really show talent. As a reader, I want to know more about Jaime, like what she looks like, why she doesn't like to be touched, etc.
Still, very good storyline. Refreshing read! Keep writing!
Greetings!
Your fantasy story is really good, you have a great imagination, and your characters are great! A few things to work on in this story, commas before dialogue, Example:the master-at-arms grunted “It is a lone rider.” and the guards relaxed a bit.
You need a comma..."The master-at-arms grunted, " It is a lone rider."...
Read your story out loud. I say this because sometimes it is unclear which character you are talking about..Example:...“A scout by the look of him.” Added Lia as he rode hard, spurring his mount onward with utmost urgency, and drawing even closer, his fine features and graceful demeanor reveled his elven nature. At last, he approached the column, and he swiftly reigned in his horse and dismounted, in front of the master-at-arms and Lia"
The reader assumes that you are speaking of Lia this entire time, and that "Lia" is a male. You don't realize that it is the scout that "she" is referring to.
You have a great gift for storytelling, which is very clear. I enjoyed the read!
Greetings,
I read your introduction to the story, and just in the introduction, it makes me want to read more. I like the character you've created with the Captain. He is an authority figure who is also quite human. Even though there are only titles, you can feel empathy towards his position. I like how the reader can "see" what the captain is feeling. So, for just an introduction, this is really well written.
What a haunting tale! Beautiful imagery, and the longing and waiting...just lovely. It is a macabre peice, however the meaning of the poem is all about being together forever which, in a perfect world, would be the case if love was meant to be.
I think you have an extraordinary talent. Keep up the writing, your sentiments in this poem were just wonderful!
I liked the story you told about losing a best friend. This is always difficult, and you expressed the characters emotions well. There are some elements missing from the story, such as what happened to Jason. It's hinted at, but never clarified. Did he overdose? Did his dad do something to him? I as the reader would want that closure. We know he dies, but from what? Also, you insert a character's name towards the end, Raven, and this is the first time she is introduced. Perhaps a snippet as to who she is and why she is important to this story.
All in all, it is a good story. Good job!
This was a great read! I love your characters...Lynn's thoughtful ways and Jason's, well, oblivious man ways. I liked how as you read you wondered to yourself, well is she going to tell him? What will happen. Excellent job with keeping the reader enthralled. You have a great talent for storytelling!
Two things that I saw:
"Lynn was more depressed then anything"...then should be than.
"She found herself wanting longing to be around him." Insert a comma seperating the emotions...wanting, longing...
I liked this last string of emotions. The ending was just great...love lost, human turmoil. Love it!
Excellent job!
Hello! Your friend posted this review request in my forum and I'm glad she did!
I really enjoyed reading this poem. It was very touching, and poignantly sad. I got the sensation of a need to be noticed, not shut out of the crowd, but to be included. To know that someone, anyone, was paying attention, a sense of belonging. Very well written!
I do have a few things I noticed in reading the poem, and this is only my take on it, so please, I may not understand the style of poem you've created.
First, in the 10thline, "But mainly pay you..." Perhaps, " But mainly give you...".
12th line, " Trying to show what you got"
Peraps, " Trying to show what you've got"
Line 18,using just "shine" sounds a little short. Perhaps, "inner shine"?
"From where you were now standing"...Perhaps, " From where you were standing." It seems to flow a little better.
I think my favorite line in this poem is "And the broken disappointment Hits you like a shunned prayer..." This is a very creative metaphor, and really describes the feeling of not belonging.
All in all, I truly enjoyed reading your poem. Keep writing, your talent is evident and your ability to capture these feelings in your writing is wonderful!
I enjoyed your poem. I've always liked aqueeze your heart poetry, and poetry in general as I have zero talent of my own in the art. But, you do have talent, and I like the message you are conveying in this peice.
I would check your I's in your stanza's, as you begin strong with the capitalization, then falter off and use lower case in the second stanza.
Also, in the last stanza,third line, i'd should be "I'd".
The only thing I didn't get is the reference to being unemployed...somehow it just sounded out of place..but that's my opinion.
I enjoyed your poem! Keep writing and keep up the good work!
This was an excellent piece to read for your final review, and thank you for writing it. The love-lost, longing, haunting feel to this was almost too much! But it was a good too much! One thing: Last stanza, second line, I believe the "too", should be, "to". Very lovely piece of writing, your talent is evident.
Blessings,
Adara
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Hi! I liked your Acrostic Poem, very cool! I do have some suggestions for you, just to smooth out a line or two!
4th Stanza...If you eliminate the "or" at the end of the third line, I don't think you lose any impact.
5th Stanza...Suggestion:
"You were so close.
End of the story is so clear-
Tale of your heart became real"
The last stanza is nice, I like how it sums up the poem. But the last line has too many words. Perhaps:
"Remember next time, believe what your heart says."
Hi! Your poem was flowing very nicely up until the very end! I liked how the poem was rythmic and you captured those feelings of uncertainty when in a relationship. If you're intent was to end the poem as abruptly with the last line, then hurrah to your individuality! If not, maybe try to add one more stanza that ties it all together.
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