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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/adrienne69
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Review of I'm not the one  Open in new Window.
Review by Colleen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I liked that part too.
Where to go next: either go to the start, about how you met him or her. build on what you have created here. You may also want to think of a chorus line that will get repeated. I can't wait to hear what you come up with. Thank you for sharing.
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Review by Colleen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
What a great idea for a story. I liked how you started the story and then explained what had happened. You need to use some commas or make your sentences shorter. Read your story outloud and every time you pause you either need a comma or a period. I started to get lost in your words at times.
for example:
The bad thing that is one of the bad things was that cattle couldn't eat it, because of the saw tooth structure on the back of the leaves.

Unless you are going to list other bad things as "bad things" I would just start the paragraph with :
Because of the saw tooth structure on the back of the leaves the cattle couldn't eat it.
or
The cattle couldn't eat it because of the ...
I son't mean to be mean as I do like the way you create a story. I have the same problems some times. I find if I write the story using Word I can avoid many grammatical errors. Then you can just copy and paste on to this site.
Good luck and keep writing and please don't be mad at me. I think this could be an even better story.
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