I can't say that I would know how to improve this piece. It's imaginative and easy to read. I dare say that the voice of experience came through loud and clear - not an experience I would want for myself, however. It leaves you wanting to read more. And, it's done in a smart-aleck style that makes you think the fist-pop YES! to a question that appears to be just a little too curt and inflexible in its demand for a sense of reality. Such is the perceived inflection of text use. Well done!
Delightful. A lovely story. I adore Lilith anyway. She's one of my favorite folk anti-heroines. Completely misunderstood <hehe>. You have set up some interesting surprises and twists on traditional Christian-Judeo concepts. I like also that you have kept Lilith strong and true to her nature and her red hair, lots of folks (including myself) often tend to entreat her with black hair instead. Either way, I'm not sure she would mind too much.
One short passage you might want to look at where Raven asks: "Will you came back to earth with me?"; you might want to change "came" to "come".
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