Madison   ,
I've noticed you need reviews for this story so here I am! I must say I found it quite impressive. I especially like your style. You write with passion and I can see that you really get into the mind of your character. Although this is the first story by you I've read, I can see you were writing this as Cinderella, not as Madison; some would say the ability to do it so well is unusual for someone your age but I'll tell you something: I know better 
As I began reading your story, I was surprised why it hadn't been rating higher; as I read on, the reason became clear to me. Although your style is great, there are a few logical slips. I've noticed a few punctuation issues as well, but those are not a problem; the thing you really should concentrate on is the logic and structure, on the level of sentences as well as paragraphs.
Below are my suggestions concerning particular paragraphs and sentences. I have not managed to go through the whole story, but will do so when I return home later on tonight. If you have any questions, I will also answer them then.
Here's what I have found so far:
 She was everything my father was not: strict, cold, empty, and unloving. So it surprised me to see that the woman he helped out of the carriage was not the wild, exuberant, loose-haired woman I had imagined him bringing home. The woman I imagined my mother having been. There is something about the first two sentences here that doesn't quite go with the previous paragraph. What the second sentence says here has already been said in the first sentence of your story.
I would suggest revising this paragraph. I tried to come up with some suggestions but I am not sure what you wanted to say in this paragraph. You saeem to have put too many different things in it. The first sentence is about the new stepmother's character. in this context, the second sentence:
So it surprised me to see that the woman he helped out of the carriage was not the wild, exuberant, loose-haired woman I had imagined him bringing home.
doesn't really make much sense, especially the "so". That "so" suggests that you - as the story is written in the first person, I will from now on refer to the main character as "you" to make it easier - knew these sides of her character even before she arrived. But that is not the case, according to the story's opening sentence.
The paragraph's last sentence tells the reader about how you imagined your mother. This is just too much for this short paragraph. You crammed too much into it and it's a bit unclear what you're trying to say. Your new stepmother was a complete opposite of your (obviously good and kind) father, as she was cold and unloving (which you somehow new before you got to know her), so you were surprised that she wasn't wild, exuberant and loose-haired, as your mother had been (according to your imaginings). That is the meaning of your paragraph. The conclusion you make is puzzling and I don't think this is what you meant.
That’s for my love, even when I am not around, he would say whenever he had came over. You should put what your father is saying in the inverted commas.
 When she was here, we had to cover the oak table, with its heart, with a white satin and lace table cloth, one that itched at your arms as you would with poison ivy. We had to use three different forks [...] - I loved this paragraph! "When she was there" creates a nice parallel, as in the previous paragraph you begin the escription of a meal with your father with "When only he was there" - it reads very well and, in my opinion, really suits the genre. The whole paragraph is very well written.
Everything had to be perfect, especially for her twin daughters, Laurece and Victoria.
And I was Meladria, sometimes Mel, sometimes Mela, and sometimes just Ela. And I was yet to know the horrors that would come into my life as I knew it.
What does your name have to do with the horrors that were yet to come?... I would consider changing this a little if I were you. Something like this would be easier to understand:
And I was Meladria, sometimes Mel, sometimes Mela, and sometimes just Ela. Every time she said my name, her lips twisted into a grimace, as if it meant something dirty or rude. And I was yet to know the horrors that would come into my life as I knew it.
although I feel this also lacks something. I think you'll see what I mean.
I shivered inside my light jacket, one I had slid into this morning, not planning on it raining hardly. At least to me, this looks as if you were able to control the weather: "[I wasn't] planning on it raining hardly." Also, "hardly" doesn't sound quite right to me when I think about it; "hard"??! Perhaps I'm just thinking too much! 
I had run to drop off the flowers at my mother’s grave, sneaking out to do so every Sunday.
I had sneaked out of the house and run to drop off the flowers at my mother’s grave every Sunday. - I think this is what you meant?
My father and I used to go together every Sunday, but ever since he married, he hasn’t come. She, his wife, doesn’t approve of mourning the dead when she is now the replacement for the deceased, my mother. At least that’s part of the reason my father married her. "She, his wife" sounds very clumsy to me. "His new wife" would be better, or just "she" - since you refer to the new stepmother as "she" pretty consequently, I think it would be clear enough.
Truth is, I don’t remember her. She died when I was born, and it has been my father and I for the eight years since. And yes, I think of her often [...] - either this comes a bit too late in the story or you chose not quite right words, or both. Already at the beginning of the story you mention the way you imagined your mother; perhaps you could develop the thought there, in a bit fewer words, and not explain it the second time here? Or at least explain a different aspect of it? I already guessed you didn't remember your mother reading one of the first paragraphs. If you decide not to tell your reader something in a straightforward manner, but let him guess, don't ruin it by explaining it later on. If you write between the lines, trust your reader to read between the lines.
My father would close up, staring into space, and a look of such unadorned sadness would strike his face, that, at the time, I was content in not knowing her. Here it's just a small punctuation issue; you don't need a comma before "that".
“No ” I screamed. Instead of a space, you need an exclamation mark or a comma.
“Servant ” I called to a woman, dressed in black, wandering down the corridor [...] You need a comma after "Servant".
I had a plan for this servant. One for that stupid little girl [...] - I find this whole paragraph very unclear. Perhaps you could restructure it?
I will stop now and continue later in a private e-mail.
 To those looking through this review on the Public Page: do not be mislead by the number of my suggestions. Although this story can be still improved, already now it is one of the best written Cinderella stories I've ever read! *flower*
Agnie |
|
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
but I had problems rating it. I rated it 4 because it is a true story; if this was fiction, my rating would be a little lower.
This is the kind of thing that your story is missing. Mom never lied. The room was locked and Mom couldn't find the key. The stairs had been destroyed in a fire and no one could get upstairs. Mom had both legs in plaster and couldn't walk. If this was fiction, you would need something like this - you'd probably come up with something better than my examples - to make this story believable. But even in a true story, you can explain why you'd rather believe that a ghost had been upstairs than that your mum hadn't told you the truth, or had forgotten she had been upstairs. A statement like "I had never heard Mom tell a lie" would make it better.
I can see this is not a very new story and I'm not sure if you still want to change anything in it, but anyway I thought I'd tell you what I think 
- I'm relieved - 
However, the poem was very difficult to get through. I really had problems experiencing and enjoying it, found myself quite annoyed for some reason while reading it and it was quite difficult for me to get to the point when I could enjoy it, although all the time I felt it was a good poem - and that was why I kept re-reading it.
Do let me know if you decide to change anything so that I can come back and change the rating.
But this is a topic for another article.