I like your story, you have a talent for picking up and using subtle environmental descriptions in order to enhance the mood, and edginess of the story. Honestly the only thing I would do is reword some of the sentences i.e. "But even now my brothers snicker.", remove the word even (it makes the sentence loose it's impact, and it makes the sentence seem awkward.) Try "But now my brothers snicker, thinking them foolish, silly tales."
Another sentence which would benefit from a slight tweaking of the words used is "The clanging echo of my fist was muted by the pressure lock hissing alive" try instead "The clanging echo of my fist was muted by the pressure lock suddenly hissing to life."The difference is subtle, but gives your statement more power. These are little things, but they can make a big difference in your story.
Keep working on these stories, I think they have great potential!
I like how you showed the horror of war,the tenuous existence, the gut wrenching loss of innocence, and innocents, and yet in the midst of all is life. In spite of horror, there is hope, there is beauty, traditions continue, we persevere in the face of darkness discovering there is comfort in familiar, simple joys. Well written, and poignant.
I love the sense of anticipation this piece conveys, and the descriptions, although gory, are appropriate to the story. I especially like that it is told from the creatures perspective, and includes descriptions of variables one might not normally consider. Spelling and grammar are fine, and beautifully executed style makes the story scary, but very enjoyable.
Angus; I talk to myself all the time, especially if I have a decision to make or a choice that is hard. I am certain anyone watching my rather animated outer display, of my internal argument would think they were watching a scene from 'Fiddler on the Roof' where Tevya argues with himself, on the one hand it is this, on the other hand it is that. These self debates can last a while, lol, but eventually I will reach a conclusion. So I think perhaps, talking to yourself is maybe a thing that writers do, lol, after all are not the artists, poets, and writers the acceptably eccentric of the world. Your not crazy, lol, it is just part of your inner muse. Hugs and Love; Janice aka Ailindria
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ailindria
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 6:34am on Nov 15, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "