\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/airycat
Review Requests: OFF
2 Public Reviews Given
97 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Airycat =^..^= Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a generally clear and well written article.

A couple of points caught my attention.

In paragraph 2: One of the most dangerous symptoms is the excessive involvement in risk-taking activities, known as hypersexuality.

Hyper-sexuality is one of many potential risk-taking activities, but as written, it sounds like this is all of them. My reading does not indicate this.

In paragraph 7, the sentence starting Another disorder, called cyclothymia should start a new paragraph since you are veering away from the three types of bi-polar disorder.

Over all, I found the article informative and accurate (except as noted above). I'm not sure of your target audience. Perhaps there is none.

If this is something you hope to have published, it might be wise to figure out your target group and tailor it a bit more. If, for example, you want to have it read by those at an age likely to be diagnosed, a bit more of the Kurt Cobain type anecdote could prove useful. Also helpful would be some information for those who suspect a friend may have the disorder -- What to look for, how to help.

Although I found it generally accurate based on my (limited) knowledge, having a stronger reference for further reading is important. I haven't read the two you gave (I looked at them quickly), but neither is expert in the field of psychiatry, so their information (and yours) could be considered somewhat suspect without authoritative back-up. Unless this is a research paper for a class, it needn't have reference notes, but listing your own research sources would be a good idea. (If these two are your only sources, you've only rewritten what someone else researched, and it would not be publishable nor pass muster in any class I know of.)

Write on!
2
2
Review by Airycat =^..^= Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
This starts rather slowly for me. I might not have continued beyond the second or third paragraph if I hadn't intended to review. It gets better, though. *Smile*

Except for what she says I think the first and second paragraphs could be elinminated and the third could be thinned a bit. You want to grab the reader's attention with your start, so focus on the accident.

Let me know when there's more.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

"So a guy's dead. What's the hold up?" Is she really this cold? When I read it, it made me not particularly like her. If this is your intent, ok, but if not, you need to soften it somehow. (Not too much, since you do want to show her impatience.)

I think the description of the accident, particularly the sentence It looked like an elephant had used the car as a trampoline. (which has a light, almost comic feel to it), would be more effective if it were before she realizes it's Michael's truck. That way you build up the impatient, unconcerned attitude before the shock of what she sees, which will make it more powerful.

A couple of little things that caught my eye:
believe in God but that was needs a comma God, but
kicked and sweared at the officers should be swore
2 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/airycat