Are you male or female? I ask because if indeed you are male, this is really good. But if female d*** is it erotic and paints a pretty picture. As I read it I could picture Shaun's hands on me caressing me but then he is probably too much for me being his lifestyle is different than the one I know.
It is too short for the subject and is a choppy read. Smooth out the flow by extending it a couple of lines. The rhyme sheme is well done. To it sounds like you wrote this sso short to get the rhyme stanzas flowing consisstently but you can do it also withab-ab or abc-abc or variations on the rhyme schemes. Yes rhyming is hard to write, even I have a hard time of it and haveonly two pieces that in fact do rhyme. Rhyming may not be for you.
This poem starts with an appeaing rhyme schemme but falls short and doesn't carry it all the way through. I don't if it was intentional plotted like this or you, like me, lost the rhyme pattern half way thrugh or what. It looses flow half way through the read bu has good solid emotional presence.
I like these two lines:
Darkness can only love one of a black heart
But only one of a healed heart can take the DARKNESS WITHIN away
but the last oe is a lttle too long though it is a good ending.
I like this haiku but I am haiku ignorant. Ive tried to write them but they turned into something else. A poem I wrote "A Song In My Heart" was supposed to be a series of haiu strung together into one poem but as it turns out there was too much to be contained in haikus, so the form changed and now I leave them be.
I do not like the varying amount of stanzas.Yyou have written in 4-4-2-4-2-4-2 stanza pattern, stay with the quatrain form, it suits you best and lends itself well. to the flow of your words. One more thing, suicide?
I would love to hear your comments on my poems of sucide but they are different than this one in the fact that they deal more with the actualevents and loss of life.
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