Overall - You did absolutely wonderful with this form, as far as I can tell. I'm not strong with the sestina, and you said this is a modified sestina for a the SLAM contest. But I was very impressed. It seemed there were a lot of restrictions to follow. I hope you did well with the contest. (Glad this has an awardicon )
Little Edits/Suggestions To the electricity that is my skin. - Maybe - to the electricity of my skin...or creating my skin or that creates my skin? Something about this line bothered me. It broke the flow a little for me when reading. It's probably just me...
Form - As I said, I'm very impressed by the form. It flows very well and I didn't stumble (except for that one time). The same words ending the lines only altered in their places was very impressive and not obvious in reading either. Which, I think, is good.
Favorite(s) Anticipation builds with the touch Of your fingers as they trace Paths carved in my skin By the sound of your voice. - I loved the first four lines. They immediately pulled me in. The outline of a dark passion. - nice wording As you dig trenches of pain with your voice. - same thing The ending lines were also fantastic.
You just did a great job with the wording...so writing, of this poem. I love some of the phrases.
(leaving me with a lot of favorites - I chose not to choose narrowly)
Emotion It's very nice as well that you managed to keep a strong emotion and the poem wasnt' completely absorbed by the strict form. I felt the passion and then I felt a growing tension and intensity, then the final pain. Great job here. I think I actually sped up while reading about halfway through (not in a bad way). I had to read twice.
Another great write. Leaving me little to critique. You're making me look bad . Just kidding.
I love reading your poetry. You haven't let me down once. (No pressure ).
Review 5 of 5
I'll definately be back once I get caught up, if I get caught up. I hope to read more of your work.
Overall - This is a very emotional piece. Smooth flow, strong message.
No edits/suggestions (you got me again )
Form/Flow -
The ABCB rhyme scheme works very well here. It sort of makes you connect with the young boy the poem is about, I think a little more than free verse would. It's simple and truthful, not trying to impress you, just hitting where you can feel.
It all flowed very smoothly. I never stumbled on a line.
The But... and then final stanza was striking.
Favorite(s) He forgot everything
Except how to go. - a strong line Also, the fourth stanza got me.
Honest and emotional poems are what pull a five star from me. Something that makes me feel, this did that. (Also, there were no grammatical flaws that I could see. )
Edits/Suggestions Okay, this is a little thing that doesn’t matter too much in poetry, but since you do have punctuation, it’s okay to point out.
I’ll put the sentence back together instead of the separate lines so it is easier to see.
"She's so beautiful," I said Counting each finger and toe, And admiring silky black hair That covered her tiny head.
I think there should be a comma after said and no comma after toe. A butterfly, grounded as I prepare – Do you want this to be a sentence by itself? If so, I think you should have a period after it, otherwise it seems to flow into the next sentence. Maybe you could do more the with the description again - I realize this has nothing to do with the poem, but it might draw in more readers. Maybe something like 'letting go of something so dear but I have to let her find her wings/fly'. I don't know, just a suggestion.
Form/Flow
*exlaim* It all flowed very and I never once stumbled. I noticed the connecting rhyming scheme through all the stanzas. I think this would be hard to keep up and it doesn’t seem forced. I actually only caught it on the second look.
Emotion You did a good job here. Your emotion is very strong throughout, both proud yet tearful that your child is growing up.
Very well portrayed.
Analogy The butterfly comparison here is very well used, making some great lines that add to the poem.
Favorite(s) Gazing thus, I began to know
A bond that has no compare. – The wording of this line is great and really pulled me into the poem. I wipe away the tears I have shed
But they just continue to flow. – I loved these lines. I’m not sure why they stood out, but they definitely did to me. The end line captures the feel of the poem very well.
The picture at the end is a great picture. And adds an even more personal touch.
This is one of those poems that makes me just go…wow.
Emotion Your emotion in this poem is fantastic. The beginning started out so sweet, and the phrase ‘boulder graveyard’ hit me very hard. Your wording and leading up to this was very well-written.
Very pure emotion.
Perspective I don’t think I’ve ever read a poem written from a perspective quite like this. This was unique and a nice touch to the poem.
Flow I don’t think there was one spot where I stumbled. It all read very smoothly, never forced or out of place. The breaks were all in good spots, adding emphasis for certain lines.
Favorites (oh, to choose) as if they could return
me to a full life. – This was so poignant. Of course, the phrase – boulder graveyard – for the impact it left. I am but a pebble now, - Wow The end was fantastic, bittersweet. The analogy throughout was great and this finished it off beautifully.
I tried and tried to find some sort of suggestion, but I can’t think of a one. It makes me feel a little helpless as a reviewer to come across a poem that I can’t critique at all. But really, as a reader, I love it, and it shows your talent as a writer. So no Edits/Suggestions. Although maybe you could add more vivid description in your...um, description , to draw people in. Perhaps a short line from the poem...?
This was a great poem, and I can’t wait to read more. Review 1 of 5
This poem stands out with its honesty and flow. It would flow a lot better if you cleaned up a few little grammatical errors though.
Suggestions/Edits born and raise - 'raised' - you won't have a perfect rhyme, but it's better to have flow. nice as i seem - capital 'I' todays standards - appostrophe - today's that i'm mean - 'I'm' it agaisnt them, i love them - 'against' and capital 'I' Its just the bond - It's (appostrophe) I've divded my - 'divided' It is a little distracting to have little errors like this, and takes unnecessary attention away from the poem itself. You don't have to follow punctuation rules, or even first line capitalization, or things like that in a poem, but some things still make people stumble.
Favorite Line(s) - So let me paint you a picture of the girl that is me - just starting off into the description and poem more.
It's evident in this poem that it comes straight from you, which is good. Sometimes poems can be too 'fancied' up and you lose the basic meaning and emotion. You did well with this.
Parts of it reminded it of me actually, although I'm not sure if I was in your place or I'm where you were. Did you get that? Well, at least, not everyone knows me all that well to judge me yet, so I'm where you were in some ways, but some things in the poem reminded me of my past.
This line for example - Its just the bond of the family name - is me.
Well, that's another story.
Good luck starting off here on WDC
and
Keep writing,
Allison Rose
~Cloudspun Ink Dust~
You have such strong emotion in this poem.
The word choice is fantastic and the comparisons also draw out emotion. Favorite Line(s) My smile painted
Though often faded - Something about these lines. This is probably where I was fully pulled into the poem. To once again flirt
With future pain - The wording of this is just fantastic.
I can't say much about this poem. I simply thoroughly enjoyed the read. Very well written. Congratulations on the award.
Keep writing,
~Cloud~
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Great write. You did great with the form - to my knowledge. It flowed very well with strong emotion. The use of titles/bands wasn't intrusive at all - added a nice touch - as it was a prompt as well.
The form - I'm not familiar with the Naga Uta form. I looked it up online, but still am a little fuzzy. I did, however, get the syllable count. 5-7 ending with 7. Great job there. You kept the rhythm and flow throughout!
Favorite Part/Lines
I'm thinking too much. - I don't know why, but this line pulled me into the poem all the more. It was simple and stood alone, but seemed to pull mroe into it.
love’s joy always seems to cost
too much, yet I pay. - an interesting view, and very true.
The ending pulled everything together and finished it off yet left it open. I love the last line, something about it really dug into me.
No edits or suggestions! Couldn't find anything that stood out, so yay!
You did fantastic with this. I'm assuming it was contest, if so, good luck or I hope you did well!
Very emotional and strong.
Great read.
I'm looking forward to reviewing more when I can!
Thank you again...
and keep writing,
Allison Rose
~Cloud~
The emotion, whether yours or simply a written emotion portraying others, shown through very strong. I hope it wasn't yours. Edit - Knowing that if was wrong; - it, I assume. Just a little glitch.
Favorite Lines - Living a lie from day to day Singing someone else’s song. - especially the second. However the ending line finished it all up beautifully and the emotion lasted to the very end.
You brought the emotion and the situation through, and sadly, it isn't uncommon.
Really pulled the emotion through in the beginning and the ending really stabbed or jumped out. The perfect ending line, in a sense.
In the middle though -
so much more,
too much more,
add your own words,
I have no more,
or maybe lots more,
but there is nothing more,
nothing is left.
I understand the use of repetiveness with the word more, but it distracted me from the meaning of the poem. I think it is the two lines -
I have no more,
or maybe lots more -
perhaps it is the use of the word lots that is bothering me, it doesn't fit in with the rest of the poem's wording. In MY opinion at least.
Perhaps you could, well, I don't want to say take those two lines out because it is your poem. Maybe you could sawy maybe much more? instead?
Well, really, this poem was very well written, and these are all simply my opinions. I'm sorry that it had to be written, but I hope it helped.
I cannot really say much except keep going on this! It definately caught my attention, but I think it needs more background, at least more added on. So I'm glad to hear you're going to continue with it.
I love this - “Do not forget, child, that I was the one to bring you back from the brink of death when your sire left you to rot, with nothing to survive off of and no sense of your past or new life.” s
The ending to that reeled me in for some reason.
I didn't see any little mistakes and don't have any real suggestions, except keep going.
Good beginning and ending, even though I wanted more - so really a good cliff-hanger, but if you made it such I would fluff out or add more conversation perhaps? Then you could make this more than a short story even. Well, I am getting away from the world. Good luck with this.
Keep writing,
Allison Rose
~Cloudspun~
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To the electricity that is my skin. - Maybe - to the electricity of my skin...or creating my skin or that creates my skin? Something about this line bothered me. It broke the flow a little for me when reading. 
It's very nice as well that you managed to keep a strong emotion and the poem wasnt' completely absorbed by the strict form. I felt the passion and then I felt a growing tension and intensity, then the final pain. Great job here. I think I actually sped up while reading about halfway through (not in a bad way). I had to read twice. 
).
I noticed the connecting rhyming scheme through all the stanzas. I think this would be hard to keep up and it doesn’t seem forced. I actually only caught it on the second look. 
