George - I really enjoyed the twists and turns here. Clone's rights be damned! What an interesting plot twist!
I enjoyed your writing style and the pace you kept. I found that much of Stan's financial problems ring true for so many and at first I thought your plot was more contemporary with our recession. Then you introduced the asterisk and the story turned completely. Very nice device!
I think there is enough backstory here to develop this into a full-length novel. The fact that Stan looks like Santa could be very interesting and perhaps humerous, too!
All good stories have hooks that grab the reader in the first few paragraphs.
The first few paragraphs are interesting to read, but they do little to move the story forward to an action hook point. I would suggest you reorganize the flow of your story and move the fourth paragraph beginning with "I watched" up to the start.
The blue-white sentinel image is interesting, but perhaps you might illustrate its impact or be more specific in the significance of its appearance. Why it is important? What is the meaning of this event to the speaker? How many others will be affected by this event?
First person stories need to establish the personal importance of the events. I am not clear on how this event is important to the speaker.
The notion of cycles need a bit of clarity to sharpen how they are important. Cycles of movement? Cycles of time? Cycles of destruction? Cycles of hope? What does the current cycle mean to the speaker? Will or can he use the gateway that it brings? Why is the gateway important?
The general premise holds promise. Work on tying the vague impression together to make the story flow smoother.
Keep writing! I'm sure you can improve this with a little editing and rearranging.
I find blurbs are always hard to critique since they are teases, designed to elicit interest, and vague by design. Your blurb did interest me to want to read more so it worked in that manner. I presume this is a modern fantasy novel, since you mention myths, legends, and forgotten races.
A few more specifics might be helpful to roundout your blurb. Where does Alana normally reside? Someplace dramatically opposite a beach location? Mountains perhaps? Is there an eventful journey required to reach the beach? Not all beaches are warm due to seasons or location, what is your beach like? How do people relax in your beach environment? Swim? Fish? Read on the beach?
I would suggest losing the line: for the good or bad is yet to be seen. This is implied from the previous line that her life will change in a very unbelievable way.
While I like the idea that she is in a bind, you might offer some insight into what kind of bind: financial, legal, bullies, etc. I read between the lines that she has hidden abilities that her personal journey will help her discover. Perhaps she is somehow related to this forgotten race and she has to discover this fact in her journey. Maybe that is why she feels different and other treat her as odd.
Does she live apart from her family since she graduated? Are her family members somehow drawn into her journey, too?
I do like the hidden agendas as this paints many possible layers of complexity to the plot.
Do you have any sample chapters you can post? Keep writing!
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/alphadogkc
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 7:44am on Dec 23, 2024 via server WEBX1.
| (4.0)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
