what i found beautiful about your poem is how it can be seen multifariously: as a metaphor for the power of spring (rebirth), of life itself while slyly hinting of a pure sensuality. and if i want to be a little adventurous, an application of one of the most basic laws of physics.
the words 'rejuvenation' and 'crackle' yes, even 'shiver' alive are reminiscent of a gnarly aged tree in the heart of winter-rigid and poor. the first hint of spring and it melts and flowers into the beauty of a garden.
i've always wondered this thing: is there any such a phenomenon as 'losing' love? like energy-mutable but ultimately never 'lost'. here, the aging man might have felt he had lost love, or her, but she had and would always remain though perhaps peripherally unreognizable. i was stunned with how simply, yet effectively this was portrayed.
I love the way you explored the dynamics of their relationship, and how you portrayed Chuck so beautifully. In the beginning I really did think he was a total loser and that Charlie should've made friends with someone less imbecile-ish...but the end was sublime. If there were more stars I could rate this, I would.
this poem touches your heart when you read it. you were able to perfectly capture the tone of someone who genuinely cannot understand why a loved one would deliberately hurt and leave you, and who will resort to anything to have her back, but is conflicted about the love ever being the same again...just really confused and hoping that the past never happened. at least, that is what this made me feel.
"Sweet mountain girl did you know
I cried when we parted years ago"
those two lines were so perfect. bittersweet, and poignant.
the reason i rated this piece 3.5 were because of a couple of things...
1)there were a few spelling mistakes. they were probably typos. just run it through a spell check.
2)some of the sentence structures were a bit awkward, and contained grammatical errors. however, maybe you made them on purpose. if you have, please ignore the following;)
"You chose another forgot about me"
perhaps adding a dash would be better.
"You chose another-forgot about me"
"You was my first I thought you knew"
it would sound better as
"You were my first, I thought you knew."
"All though my love for you was true"
could be changed to
"Although my love for you was true"
"I think why you gave yourself to him"
could be modified to
"I think of why you gave yourself to him"
"My first loveyou broke my heart into"
perhaps you meant
"My first love, you broke my heart into two."
however, these are very minor errors and although they detract slightly from the reading experience, the power of your message isn't hindered at all.
yours in literary pursuit,
alludra
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