Okay this chapter isn't my favorite. I find that it's slow to read, and it was easier for me to get destracted. I think this is because the most part you are describing the area as they walk through it. I would fix this by using more action to bring out the descriptions of the surroundings. This chapter is rated lower b/c it didn't hold my attention like your other chapters did. I'm still going to read on b/c all your other chapters were so good, but this one needs some work.
Mason and Zek emerged from the dense trees; they had come at length into a green clearing. the second part of this sentence is off. I would revise it.
He looked off again towards toward the mountains, and took a deep breath of the brisk morning air.
He stood. He stretched his arms and legs while Zek rested. using the He twice in a row and the way this is written slows it all down. I would revise it like this: He stood and stretched his arms...
The mountains seemed seemed is a word that publishers frown upon especially when it isn't needed. I've read this in the Idiots Guide to Getting Your Book Published. I think if you delete seemed it wouldnt' take away from the impact of this sentence. beautiful from here, but Mason knew that climbing through jagged rocks would be slow going.
“There!” Mason said. His finger pointed to a group of stones had created a large overhang; beneath the roof they saw a dark crevice with a narrow entrance.
“That it has,” Zek replied with a yawn. He closed his eyes. typo forgot to hit enter to start another line The gentle heat from the crystal flames had begun to dry Zek's tattered robe, but Mason noticed he still shivered lightly from the cold.
Another look towards toward the door of the cave showed Mason that the chaos outside was still constant. He was glad to have a roof over his head and a fire by his side. Mason felt like he could still explore for another day, and he knew that getting any sleep would be difficult. He laid back next to the quiet flames, and saw that Zek had already drifted off to sleep. these last few paragraphs read a little slowly with all the detail. Maybe if you mix more action to describe some of the details it won't read as slow.
“We head towards toward the sunset. There is a river called the Warwin Rush,” Mason replied.
“I know, brother, I used to do this too. Anytime my main character was talking to her mom I may put a mom in the dialogue, but if you read it out loud you realize that most of the time it sounds funny. Would you talk to your brother and call him brother this many times while talking to him. Don't over use it and only use it when it's necessary. ” Mason said. “We need to find some kind of settlement. Somewhere with clothing and supplies.”
With the circumstances that had allowed their escape i'm not sure on this, but it feels like a comma is needed here. Without it the sentence is hard to read, so if a comma isn't correct then a revision is in place. Mason had not thought to bring any food along the way.
“I can't believe you almost roasted it,” Mason joked. His voice was a whisper. Zek shot him a playful glance in response. Moments passed, and neither of the boys wanted to move. The creature quickly lifted its head from the ground, and seemed another seemed that is unneeded in my opinion. Actually I think it'll make more of an impact if you removed seemed to look directly at them.
“I think it noticed us,” Mason said. kinda redundant since you just said that the creature looked right at them, but if you say "I think it noticed us," Mason whispered when the creature quickly lifted it's head and looked directly at them. For some reason it doesn't seem redundant that way. My opinion.
“Back!” Mason screamed. The creature turned its attention towards toward him, but refused to move.
The animal leapt from its position, and flew towards toward Mason's face. Sharp claws moved towards toward his eyes.
When the trees finally became sparse, became sparse does not settle right for me, but it's not a big deal. Keep it or revise it's up to you. I just wanted to comment how I felt as I read. Mason knew that the Warwin Rush would not be much further.
They continued towards toward it, and slowly it became a louder loud, no er is needed roar.
“Prepare yourself, Zek, this should be amazing,” Mason said with a raised tone. His voice struggled to be heard over the nearly deafening roar since you already used roar I would just say sound here or a different word to mean loud sound of the water's edge.
They slowed their pace to put great care into each step; the moonlight reflected over a seemingly endless torrent ahead of them.
The boys laid I believe this will be lay. Lay is the past tense of Lie you would Lie down on a sofa, but Laid is the past tense of lay and you lay down a book. So the correct past tense should be Lay. on the hard ground beside the flames and allowed themselves to rest.
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