Hi Marc,
I love the subject matter of this story. It touches on convictions, perceptions, and the challenges we are faced with when ours are challenged. I think the description of the bus going into the water in spectacular, and really resonates with the reader, and your use of metaphor and descriptive language are brilliantly constructed and deeply meaningful. You also write with detail, something I don't do well enough, which really adds to the vividness of the image, and clearly shows the reader what they're seeing. I also loved the little details that show character, such as the repeated references to days. I like that you can see that the protagonists is grounded by his sense of where he is at certain times, that no matter how 'crazy' he is seen to be, or how much his perceptions betray him, the days stick by him. He knows who he is, and the reader is forced to admire that, and admire his absolute certainty in what he saw. I also love the description of the boy on the bus, and what he represents. To me, he symbolises a kind of madness that everyone needs, a sense of imagination and ridiculousness that is present everywhere, but needs to be seen to be believed. The image of such an average, even clumsy, vehicle plunging into the ocean is profound as well, and I can really picture the scene.
There were a few issues with grammar, but minor ones. First of all, I think the ellipses are unnecessary. You use a lot of them, and although I get the feeling you want to portray a more rambling, introspective tone, I think they distract from the writing. I found them difficult to digest, I think commas would work just as well. For example, "It turned left on the Old Quay Road…a detour from its usual route", could easily be "It turned left on the Old Quay Road, a detour from its usual route." I think it's less distracting to the reader.
Also, just keep in mind that plurals don't take apostrophes ("art gallery’s and bakery’s" should be "art galleries and bakeries"), and that "let's" does.
As I said, your descriptions are brilliant, and I love the scene of the bar, I can really see it (although again the ellipses are distracting). I think there are a few things that could be polished though, just in terms of word choice and flow. For example, where you say "the bus crashed into the sea.", I think it's a bit obvious, and you could just as easily show it with descriptive language rather than stating it.
I also love the way you show dialogue, like in the shop. It's real and gritty and I think it gives the story something special.
I have only one major issue with this story, and that is the length. I think it's too long. I think the beauty of the character and the story are lost in paragraphs that aren't necessary, and more information is given so that it loses some of its mystery and intrigue. I think that in losing a few paragraphs, you could make it much more subtle and evocative. For example, I think the paragraphs about the wife leaving him are not necessary. All you need is to hint at that, you don't need to state it explicitly, and even just mentioning that he kept the wedding ring would be enough to let the reader's imagination go wild. Same with the drinking - just mention it.
I also didn't really understand the man who returned the ring and book too the protagonist. I think that the bit about the men who take advantage of him in the bar is important - it gives pathos and shows his vulnerability - but it being returned to him seems unnecessary and distracts from the message of the story. I also think that some of these details are unnecessary, such as the book. I don't see the significance of it, and, again, it's distracting. Just think: the profundity of this story is summed up in the last few paragraphs, and anyway, you know what you intended to write. I say cut anything and everything that does not lead up to or prep the audience for this message. I get the feeling that there is an incredible gem in this story, but it's hidden in extra unnecessary stuff.
Sorry for the length of this review! Anyway, I think you're a skilled writer with a great deal of talent, but this needs a bit of pruning.
Hope I was helpful!
Anna |
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