Bearing in mind your statement about it being a 'rough draft' kinda offering, I will assume that you will remove the errors and tidy it a bit. That being so, I think you have the makings of an interesting story here, and tell it reasonably well.
I do think it would pay you to post what you consider is a finished copy, sometime. I think you would benefit from a bit of good critique. The story is worth it I think.
Pretty good.
Frankie.
PS: One of my best friends is a Grenwich Village ex US Marine who survived Omaha Beach. Those guys took s*** and the few survivors grew up fast and became men the USA could justly be proud of.
I'm not really into poetry, though I dabble occasionally for theraputic reasons. I read little of other person's poetry as I mostly find it either too mushy, or too highbrow for my illiterate self to comprehend. Occasionally I read something 'simple' (meant in the nicest way) which I can relate to. "Sweat Breaths" is one of those. I think it draws a nice picture, and conveys love, contentment and understanding.
If I have one crit it is that I thought the tense changed a couple of times. Maybe it's just me. But hell, who cares! It gave me pleasure reading it, so deserves a good rating.
The idea is okay. However, the conversation is very unrealistic I thought. Read it again - imagine the two characters and doctor. They both knew it was their 50th so she would hardly say that. And it is a VERY tense moment for all. Most things would have been said a hundred times before - long before they'd reached this point. More likely a very few words, a kiss, cuddle,a hug, a tear.
You seem to have good ideas and talent. You need to put yourself in the place of your characters. Live them. Let your writing reflect what they would REALLY say or do in various situations.
Wordiness is a fault with most of us. Aim to edit at least 20% of your original wordcount on any item - then cut it more. You have the makings of a good author.
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