Very nice! Find a musician to put this to music. I think it would make a great hymn. Perhaps an organist at a local church could write a tune to go with your words.
Mango is one of my favorite fruits. I enjoyed your upbeat poem and its energy. I particularly enjoy Mango Lassi drinks at Indian restaurants. Mango curry is also delicious.
Your well-written poem has gotten my mouth to water!
Once upon a time, there was a young celestial boy named Joe. Everyday, Joe would gaze into the heavens beyond his celestial mansion, wondering what or who inhabited that place. One day, he decided to find a way to that exalted place and befriend the first being he found there. Because of that, Joe increased his inner musings, meditating, wishing, and imagining himself there, for there were no stairs, no ladders, and certainly no elevators. Until finally, Joe found himself there in that elevated celestial land, and, stepping back to get a full panoramic view, fell into a celestial abyss dropping him to a renewed life back on Earth.
This poem alludes to lessons learned the best way, through the living of one's life. I liked the ideas and thoughts, and they were easily understood. The strength of this poem is the truth it contains.
If I may make a recommendation, thrash this poem about a bit more, polish it to avoid the "sing-song" rhythm that detracted a bit; perhaps detracted is the wrong word, distracted a bit.
This poem leads one through several emotions, love being the primary emotion. The night motif is a nice tool as well, covering, but not hiding from each other the professed love.
There is one mechanical error I caught. You wrote, "Your really in love with me too." Your should be You're.
Simple story, but funny and direct. I enjoyed this and it could be the start of a series of stories about this couple's afterlife. Stuck together, of course. This would also turn easily into a TV (or Netflix!) sitcom.
At the beginning, the language seemed a bit stilted. No contractions. This eased up, and, whan it did, the dialog flowed much better, in my opinion.
I simply liked this poem; it spoke to me, which is what poems are supposed to do. More importantly, your soul spoke to mine through this poem.
I would have changed a couple of small, insignificant things.
1. In the line: "The sweet refrain of lover's call," I would have used "lovers" implying more than one. That, of course, would have needed, "calls" at the end of the line, necessitating "halls" at the end of the stanza. Just a thought.
2. In the line: "Yet as if by spell, blooms burst free." I would have placed a comma after the word "Yet."
Minor things. All in all, I really enjoyed reading "And thus does the wind cry."
Wonderful word images. I like this poem because it expresses the essence of humanity. This poem has a rhythm that gently eases us from word to word, from line to line. It also tunes us in to everyone else, since we are similar, as this poem reminds us.
Just notice a couple things:
1. Line 3- I would replace "and the" with "I am"
2. Line 6- "moons" should be "moon's"
3. Line 8- Consider using a comma after "worth"
This poem is a thought generator.. Short and sweet, the way I imagine death to be.
This poem makes me care about the subject writing/speaking the poem's words.. Why is she going to take the poison berries? Has she already? Why do I feel it is a she and not a he? To whom iss she saying good bye?
I see no mechanical errors.. Thank you for sharing your poem.
Are you a ghost writer? Death is a lonely place, filled with regrets. At least as you portrayed it. your piece brought forth questions about how many dead may be inhabiting my social and professional worlds.
In the beginning, I felt you used a few too many commas, but that, I think, is merely a matter of taste and/or style.
Lonely piece that makes me hope it was only a momentary feeling. You made it real, because it was. The words described both loneliness and despair.
Overall, fairly good piece. I would have added a comma between "you" and "but" in the first line. The ending hinted at finality; a good last paragraph.
Feelings are what make poems come to life, and feelings your poem has.
I am wondering about the word "ma" in a few places, do you mean "me"? You seem to use both and I was not sure if this had a meaning or pourpose or was just a typo.
My main complaints concern mechanical and form issues. For instance, a space after a comma makes for easier reading, and is expected by most readers. Also, the line lengths vary and, again, I am not sure if it is intended or just the way things worked out in your word processor. It was not consistent. consistency in style is a great helper to a reader.
Take this review from one who is more traditional and "old fashione" in poetry enjoyment. I did enjoy your poem but would have preferred a more traditional approach with things such as rhyme scheme, meter, etc.
Nice personal introduction with a few grammar errors; a good sencond or third look would have found them, I am certain. First, " I just wish it is" shoud read, " I just wish it were."
Also, a fewof your first person pronoun "I" showed up as lower case in a couple places.
The term, "do a blog" would be more poerful if you had written, "write a blog," or "create a blog." do is often overused and expresses little. "Writing" or "creating" tells more than just "doing."
However, not being a Canadian, I am not certain that those errors would be correct in your language and not in American English! If that is the case, please forgive me.
Welcome! May writing become a pleasant viral disease that you cannot cure!
Interesting -- it seems this poet is talking to either himself or to God, perhaps both; perhaps the two are the same. I'd like to see more exploratory poetry like this to help us see our own behaviors. A personal gripe, not major, is that it is more difficult for me to read anything with each line centered. I'm a bit old school and an engineering type to boot, so more order would make me feel better, even though the words were great.
The first verse seemed to scan the best; could you make the rest match more closely. That first verse just seemed to flow so well.
I like this poem; it is short and leaves room for reader interpretation. One is not sure if the poet is saying the loved one is heavenly and connected to the clouds, of if the loved one is too distant to know on the earthly plain. That's what, in my opinion, makes it a decent poem, the forcing of the reader to participate and interpret.
I'd add a period to the end, or possibly ellipses . . .
Most interesting article. It left me wanting to read more. Is this piece part of a series or are you really leaving the rest of the research up to us. What a cliff-hanger you wrote!
You left us with tantalizing evidence to follow; thank you.
My only criticism would be that you put a blank line between the paragraphs to make it a bit easier to read.
First thing I noticed was the "sun=s" and the same construct in "prism=s" in your most interesting poem. Were those typos, or were they done on purpose for some reason these old eyes of mine have missed?
Your many and varied examples of light, real and imagined, added power to this poem. Your grasp of imagery is very good.
Lee, this is a wonderful poem honoring Icer. I loved the imagery, and your words and rhythm carried me easily into the world of memories.
This poem is THE best description of memory I have ever read and I thank you for creating this beautiful poem. You have received one of very few ratings of "5" that I have issued. And I would have given it a "10" were that possible!
Very goo. A simple poem with strong advice to those who want to learn about friendship. Not sure exactly how I would do it without giving it a bit more thought, but the structure with the short lines made it a bit hard to read; it may flow a little better if, perhaps, you went to longer lines or something. I know that is a matter of taste and it may not impact others, but I otherwise really liked this poem.
Nice portrait of love from your point of view. I liked what you were doing, but it read like a first draft, marred by a few typos and errors.
"I didn't care. I love him." Stay in past tense; you switched tenses without apparent reason. That was just one example of several. Write the whole piece in present or past tense; it will sound better.
"But my friend Marie always tells me that there is somebody out there for me than him." Something is missing in this sentence.
"Frakly" Typo.
"riht" Typo.
Good, strong closing sentence.
My recommendation is to write something without worry about typos, spelling, grammar, etc. just to get the ideas from your head onto paper, then put it away for a day or so, at least a few hours. Then go back over it with your "Grammar, usage and spelling hat" on. It seems as if you gave us that first draft. Lots of good ideas with some mechanical problems.
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